I Can't Believe That Worked!

Good Morning, Friends!!

I apologize in advance if this is just one chaotic ramble.  It's early, I haven't had much coffee yet, and I'm super excited.  I probably shouldn't be attempting to type anything at this point -- not sure my fingers are really awake yet.

Prepare to share in my moment of joy....

The spider is gone!!!!

I don't even know how that is possible.

Sure, I threatened it and wrote it a nasty letter.  Did anyone really think that was going to work, Friends?  No, no we did not.  Last I knew spiders did not speak English, and they certainly didn't go online and read blog posts.  (Although they do spend a lot of time on the web.  Sorry.  Had to be said.)

I actually figured it was going to go all Charlotte's Web and create some huge and creepily beautiful web all over my back steps. Probably with a message telling me to f%&k off, or a picture of it giving me the finger.

I mean, it's totally gone.  No sign of the spider, not a trace of its web left.  Like it just vanished, or was a scary figment of my imagination to begin with.

The Interloper (neighborhood feral cat) was outside giving me the sad eyes, waiting for breakfast.  I was hesitant to even open the back door and see what the spider had gotten up to last night.  I was fully prepared to only use the front door today if the spider had hunkered in and made a huge web.

But there is no spider.  There is no web.  There's not even a trace of the web that I know it had built yesterday.

This is amazing!  I can't tell you how happy I am about all of this, Friends!

How did this happen?

--Did someone I know sneak over here in the middle of the night and vanquish my spider foe for me? If yes, then I love you and will buy you many gifts!

--Did it get too chilly outside, and the spider decided to leave for a more suitable climate?  Fine by me, as long as it didn't include moving into my house.

--Did a neighborhood critter decide it looked like a tasty treat and chomped the spider up as a delicacy?  Bon appetit! Feel free to eat all the spiders you can find.

--Maybe The Interloper cleared it out in thanks for getting fed breakfast every day.  I doubt that, but it's still a possibility.

--Or maybe the spider really did understand what I said to it.  In which case I am slightly freaked out that there is a super-smart, English speaking spider living on my lawn that may or may not be pissed off with me. Not really....but you can bet it will cross my mind if it shows up again at some point in the near future.

Friends:  the spider is gone!  This is already turning out to be an awesome day!!

You Have 24 Hours to Move On

Hey, Friends.

So, remember how I dislike abhor detest hate spiders?  Like, I seriously fucking hate them with a fiery passion. They don't like me much either.  They have violated the sanctity of my shower.  More than once (or resurrected, take your pick.)

Imagine how much less than thrilled I was when I was leaving for work only to discover this bad boy hanging out on the railing on the back steps.

So much less than okay.  

Oh, you bet your ass I zoomed in for that little photo.  No way in the world was I getting close enough where it could be within striking distance, or accidentally bump into me if the wind blew too hard.

Just look at that thing!  All creepy and hairy and dangly.  I can't swear that he is related to the Giant Ninja Spiders that kept invading my shower last summer...but he looks like he is up to no good.  Just hanging there, pondering the best way to get into my house.

I determined that he was too big to be easily squashed with a shoe, and I had to leave for work. No time to plot out a strategy for his demise.  Also, I haven't restocked my supply of The Spray of Death yet, so couldn't do that to stun him.

Instead, I threatened him.  I'm pretty sure he understood me. He wiggled around a bit on his strand of web. I told him he had to leave.  No matter how luxurious he may find the railing of my back steps, it was time to move along.  There's a perfectly lovely garden on the other side of the lawn.  Please remove yourself from my house and go live a happy spider life elsewhere.

I get home from work this evening and immediately check the railing.  Do you think he packed up his cares and woes, moseyed off into the sunset as ordered?  Of course not!  Stupid, rebellious spider.

Someone didn't listen very well

Instead, it decided to start spinning its web in earnest.  That strand is much thicker than it was this morning.  It's unpacking its little spider bags and setting up house in my railing.  This is unacceptable!  I tried to be nice, and it threw it back in my face.

It's on now, spider.

Dear Spider On My Porch Railing:

I'll honor my end of the agreement and give you until morning to get the hell out of here. If you choose to stay and continue to ignore my kind offer of relocating?  I will end you.

Okay...maybe not me personally, but I will find someone to smash the shit out of you.  You will feel my wrath by proxy!  

You best pray to every spider deity you have that I do not walk into a web when I open the back door in the morning.  A web so much as touches me and I will use everything in my arsenal to make sure you die.  It won't be pretty or pleasant.  It will probably involve a lot of different cleaning products, possibly some Febreze as that is the only aerosol spray I currently have, and many shoes.  You might smell nice, but you won't be around to enjoy it.  You will literally be the goo on the bottom of my shoe.

I don't think either of us really want to go that route.  Consider your options and make the wise decision.

XOXO,

ME

And that's the current situation, Friends. I feel a bit like the Dread Pirate Roberts. "Good night, Spider.  Good work.  Sleep well.  I'll most likely kill you in the morning."

Yeah...I'm Not Okay With This

Hey, Friends.

Weird bit of excitement today.  It all started around noontime when a coworker asked me if I had seen what happened near my house.  I had no clue, but I saw he was bringing up an article in the local paper.  Fantastic. What could possibly have happened now?  My top three guesses were:

• Fire of some sort
• Crack house got busted
• Sting operation for allegedly running guns and drugs

Why were those my top 3 guesses?  Because they have all happened on my street since I bought my house 6 years ago.  And before you ask, Friends -- 2 and 3 were separate incidents involving different neighbors. I don't live in a bad area. I swear! However, I think it goes a long way in explaining why I pay attention when I notice weird shit going down in my neighborhood.

What I was not expecting was the story he actually pulled up:

Black Bear Spotted in Town of Poughkeepsie

Yeah.  Read that.  Join in my moment of WTF-ness.

Honestly, I probably wouldn't have believed him if I hadn't read the article myself...from a link that someone else emailed me. It is entirely too bizarre for words.

I find this disturbing for a few reasons -- not the least of which is that they haven't updated the story to say the bear has left the area or, more likely, been hit by a car or shot.  

***BREAKING NEWS***

Sorry for the interruption, Friends.  As I was writing this up last night the power went out. The lights blinked on and off a few times, and then darkness descended.  I finished that last sentence, then turned off the computer.  I lit a candle for a little light in the house, then grabbed my phone and went outside to explore and see how big the power outage was -- hoping it wasn't just like my house, or me and one other house.  

It was odd.  We weren't having a storm of any kind with winds that should have done any damage.  I hadn't heard any loud noises -- like a transformer blowing, or an accident nearby that hit a pole.  This was about 10 pm last night.

So I'm strolling the neighborhood in my pajamas, doing my own little survey of how big the outage appears to be.  My entire street is definitely out. Streetlights and traffic lights on the highway are out, and that's really bad as there are accidents there all of the time even when the lights are working. A large chunk of Main Street appears to be out as well, but from the top of our hill I can see that a couple blocks over and to the right the lights appear to be on.  Very odd.

I stop to chat with a neighbor who was out to walk her dog briefly.  Another neighbor comes home and tells us she was just at the Pizzeria Uno down the street.  The lights went out there, but they must have a generator because they came back up, but all of the lights everywhere else are out -- so now that's 3 major intersections involving the highway in both directions that are out.

I get the job of calling in the outage to the power company since my phone is the only one fully charged.  They give me an estimated restoration time of midnight, and none of us believe that it will really happen.  We part ways listening to the symphony or car horns and sirens that has begun.

A while later I'm back outside, as there was just a loud crunch like there might have been an accident.  I wander over to take a look at the highway and see if I now need to call 911. I don't see anything, and as I'm wandering back inside it occurs to me that it is probably really stupid to be wandering around in the dark, in my pajamas, with only my phone, because there was a fucking bear in the neighborhood this morning and how did I forget that it could still be wandering around out here with me?  I was literally just writing about it when the power went out!

I bump into yet another neighbor who is out to see what happened.  We chat briefly and this happens:

In related news, a neighbor and I have almost identical pajamas. #PowerOutageDiscoveries

— Tammy (@tammyshampoo) September 15, 2016

Yeah.  So now that half my neighbors have seen me in my pajamas, I decided that I'm just going to stay inside for the rest of the night.  Plus, you know, BEAR IN THE AREA.

Thankfully, around 11:45pm the power came back on.  

***END OF STORY WITHIN THE STORY***

Hi again, Friends.

So after a few hours of away time what with the power outage and the need for sleep, we are back. There was a bear, and I think I was about to explain why I was less than thrilled about it.

Before we go any further (and it might really be too late based on what I've written above) I need you to hold up your right hand and swear that none of you will turn into creepy stalkers and try to figure out exactly where I live.  I'm not talking to those of you that I actually know and that have been to my house before -- obviously it's cool and you are welcome.  I'm talking to my unknown Friends here online.  Promise you won't get creepy.  I think this entry alone makes it quite clear I already have enough weird-ass problems going on without adding "stalker" to the list.  It's not that I don't love you, Friends, but I don't need random people stopping by unannounced and making this all strange and unsettling.  If you're ever in the area and just desperately need to hang out with me, I'm sure we can work that out ahead of time and meet for coffee or something.  You know, when it wouldn't be weird and stalker-ish.

Everyone done with their "I'm Not Going To Be A Creepy Stalker" oath?  Fantastic.

First:  I'm worried about the bear itself.  This area is not meant for large wildlife to hang out and chill. The poor thing has to be seriously lost. How the heck did it even manage to get here to begin with? Maybe it wandered down the rail trail from somewhere else, but to get over in my neighborhood it still had to navigate across a lot of busy intersections and major roads.

That's Main Street.  Big intersection right there that always has accidents.  And yes, that would be the Uno's that still had power last night.

This is the intersection on Main Street where the bear was sighted.  

The block in between on Main Street, early on a foggy morning.  I couldn't pictures of everything for you yesterday, so this one is older.

Highway intersection on the other side of my street.  This also had no power last night. As you can clearly see in the picture, people almost hit each other on a regular basis even when the lights are working.

Sunset over Holy Trinity's parking lot last night -- after the bear sighting and before the power outage.

I'm really hoping they catch the bear before he gets himself injured, or causes and accident.  I don't even know if it's a young bear, probably lost and looking for his way home, or a big bear who came in search of food, or what the case may be.  I just hope it doesn't wind up hurt or dead.

Second:  The Interloper.  The Interloper is a feral cat that lives in my neighborhood.  It was born a couple of years after I moved in, and it used to chill in my back yard with it's Mama cat and two siblings.  Sadly, Interloper is the only one left now.  I hadn't seen Interloper for quite a while, but for the past month or so it has taken to hanging out in my back yard or on my back steps.  Most mornings when I wake up and go into the kitchen, I can see Interloper sitting up and looking at me through the back door of the porch, and giving me sad eyes and looking hungry.  Needless to say, I have now begun giving Interloper breakfast every morning.  That's how Interloper got its name.  Jazz-kitty is all cool with other cats walking around outside -- she just watches from the windows.  She never growls, or puffs up or anything.  As soon as the food started going out the door in the morning?  Jazz-kitty was not a fan of that happening. That's her food and she really didn't want to be sharing it with some unknown, outdoor menace.  Jazz follows me onto the back porch each time, and then sits in the window and glares daggers at the Interloper while it eats.  

The point of all that: I'm worried about The Interloper accidentally having a run in with the bear.  I don't even want to think about what would happen, and I really don't want to find an injured Interloper in my yard one morning that will have to go to the vet.  (I can report that Interloper was just here for breakfast this morning, looking fine and dandy.)

Third:  The advice in the article is ridiculous! I know they don't really have anything else they can say, but it is so totally dumb in this situation.

"Cleaning outdoor grills after use, removing bird feeders, and not leaving pet food outside are all ways to limit bear encounters. Garbage cans should be kept inside in a secure area and placed outside the morning of pick up."

I'm sorry, but that is the least of your problems in my neighborhood.  I don't think the bear wandered over here because of my neighbor's grill, or a bird feeder, or the empty cat bowl The Interloper uses. As I was discussing with the coworker who showed me the article, the residents are the least likely to be attracting the bear.

In that little stretch of a couple of blocks on Main Street, in either direction, there are a shit ton of better options for a hungry bear than a bird feeder.  We tried to name all of them.

Wendy's, Taco Bell, Dunkin Donuts, KFC, at least 2 bars, 2 convenience stores, 2 Mexican restaurants, a Chinese restaurant, a pizzeria, Noshi's Coney Island Hot Dogs, a Vietnamese restaurant, Pizzeria Uno's, and the Acropolis Diner.  That's not even counting all of the restaurants in the area that run the length of a busy cross street.  If the bear is hungry, it has much better options than someone's grill or a bird feeder.  

Fourth:  I really don't need to meet the bear face to face.  I don't want it to get hurt, but I also don't want to encounter a pissed off or scared bear and end up getting mauled.  That's the stuff for nightmares and movies, and until yesterday I didn't think it would actually be possible in my neighborhood.  

So, that's what has been going on in my little corner of the world, Friends.  We've had a lot of excitement in the last 24 hours.  Today seems pretty normal so far, so let's hope it stays that way.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you have a good, bear-free day!

Phone Notes Part IV

Hey, Friends.

Yup, it's time for more Phone Notes!  Or, if I'm being totally honest about the situation, we should really be calling this:

Things I Meant to Write About, Didn't Have Enough Time to Write About, and Then Promptly Forgot About

Doesn't sound quite as good, even if it's true.  These are the things that get swept by the wayside.  I obviously thought enough of them at some point to bother to make a note about them, fully intending to do something greater with them.  Although, I honestly don't know what the hell I was thinking with some of these as there is no way to expand upon it.  Think of it as a peek into what I thought was worth saving at the moment -- whether because it seemed amusing, important, or terribly deep at the time.  

Now a word for our newer Friends...

Hi there.  Phone Notes is something that has happened here a few times. There is no set pattern. Usually it occurs when I realize I have a crap-ton of stuff on my phone that I really should just clean out.  Rather than just delete it and send it into the void, I share it here with all of you.  I'm not saying there will be any ground-breaking revelations here.  You might even get done and wonder why you bothered to read my nonsense in the first place, and rethink how you could have better spent those precious moments of your life.  I hope it's not the latter, but I realize that it is a possibility.

So let's get to it, kids.  I don't remember the context -- or what particularly set me off if it's a rant -- for a lot of these tidbits.  When I do, I'll flesh it out a bit with additional information and/or commentary that looks like this. You will otherwise be getting exactly what I put in my phone, edited slightly to make it easier to read -- like fixing typos and auto-corrects, and adding punctuation so it isn't just a big blob of text.


1) We're starting with one in which I know exactly what was going on, so be proud.  I was on the train with my niece, Lili, headed to see Twenty One Pilots at Madison Square Garden.  I had used the app to buy the train tickets on my phone, but she didn't know that. She started asking questions about what happened if you got on the train without a ticket.  I told her I didn't really know -- I assume they just kicked you off.  It took me a second to realize that she was asking because we hadn't stopped to buy tickets, but once I explained that we had tickets she was good. The Universe, however, seemed to have heard her question and decided to give her an example, up close and personal.

People sitting right behind us on the train have no tickets.  Guy said the chick with him had them, but she had gone to use the bathroom.  One stop later she's back & conductor asks for tickets.  She doesn't have them.  They say they have no cash, no cards, no way to pay.  Conductor asks for ID. They say they don't have that either.  Conductor leaves and says he'll be back.

Conductor comes back at Garrison stop.  Tells them they have to get off here -- they aren't going to Grand Central.  Guy starts cursing and refuses to get off the train.  Conductor says we will all sit here while they call the cops to remove them.  Another conductor gets involved.  Magically she now has the ability to pay, but now her account will be "fucking negative".

Lili abandons me and puts on her headphones.  3 stops later and they are still fighting (loudly) about how this is all his fault.  Her account is "fucking negative" because he wouldn't stop at the bank on the way to the train.  She wants $44 at least to cover the ticket and the charges for going negative....

Still arguing half an hour later.  Apparently they have to catch a flight to Miami.  He has to be at work by 11?  Now she wants $80 and why did she even have to come here in the first place.  He says something about it being his birthday, and she says, "Well, it's not your fucking birthday anymore!"

**Now I'm curious: do they actually have plane tickets?  They have no luggage.  And if they didn't bring any ID, like they said, how the hell do they plan on boarding a plane?**

Fighting starts again as we near Grand Central.  She is still carrying on about her account going negative.  He loses his cool and says that he bought the plane tickets, he pays for everything when they are in Miami, what is her problem, it's his birthday and he wanted to see her, etc. She says he still owes her $44.  He finally snaps and yells at her to "Please, just shut the fuck up about the $44! You know I'll pay you back when we get there!"  And it seems to work.  For the last 5 minutes on the train I don't have to listen to them having the same endless argument.

2)  3/7/16 10 pm.  I'm seriously craving raspberry Jell-O right now.  I can't even begin to reason why. I haven't had Jell-O in ages.  Something about the idea of raspberry Jell-O just seems so perfect and I'm truly bummed by my inability to make this happen.

3) 4/16/16 @ 1:20 pm.  WRRV song played at 12:50 pm.  Random, but I know why I did this.  I must have been driving somewhere in my car, really liked the song they played, and jotted down the time so that I could attempt to look it up on the Song History later on their website.  Technology defeats me on many occasions.  I went from a car with a broken cassette player to one that has bluetooth, and plays from my phone, and has Sirius.  Totally skipped the whole CD player phase. While being awesome, it thwarts me when I want to use my phone to identify a song.  I've tried it several times (while parked, not driving) and it never works.  As soon as I touch my phone it either assumes I want to make a phone call, or it starts playing the music I have on my phone. I cannot get it to cooperate and just let me Shazam or ask Siri for the song. So now I am reduced to making notes and looking it up later.  And no, I have no idea what song inspired this.  I'm assuming I really like it though.

4)  "I like Britney Spears, but she sounds like a little girl when she sings." -- My nephew, the  9 year old music critic.  

5)  Found this in the donations at work:

A whole book about it. And no, I didn't read it. Is this true, guys?  Seems like poor decision making if you are actively choosing to marry someone because she is a bitch.  Then again, I'm single so what the hell do I know.

5)  I've got nothing on this next one.  I've no idea what I was looking at, but I'm assuming I was randomly flipping through Instagram late at night.  You know, when I should have been sleeping.

Did you ever look at someone's Instagram account, and it seems like every day they are at some amazing place or fabulous party?  I often wonder how much of that is real.  Like, did they really go to this crazy party and then climb a mountain the next day, or did they go to that party for like 5 minutes to take the picture and make themselves seem cool on social media?  I mean, maybe they really have the energy to do that kind of stuff every single day.  I don't know.  It makes me wonder what actual reality is versus what they want everyone to perceive as their life.

I don't know where I'm going with this.  If it's all spot on and accurate, then congratulations on your wonderful life.  If it's not, and this is all planned and choreographed to make yourself more popular on social media?  Then I feel bad for you, and a little bit worried.  Your self-worth should never be dependent on the number of "followers" you have, or how many "likes" your last picture got.  Yeah, it's a nice ego-boost, but don't make it the sum total of who you are.  I don't know you.  I don't even follow you.  But I hope you know you are more than that.

6)  You know those people who always seem to be in a good mood?  Like they are perpetually perky?  Normally it's cool.  I can even admire their spirit when they try to find the silver lining in a bad situation.  Other times they annoy the hell out of me and I kind of want to slap them back to reality with the rest of us.  I'm guessing I was in a bad mood.  Sorry.  I'm not a saint.

7)  Yesterday morning, on the way to work.  My mind was clearly blown.  Just got a bagel for breakfast.  They toasted it, and then they put butter on it before they put on the cream cheese.  Seemed weird, and I assumed they screwed it up, but OMG.  How have I not been doing this my entire life? I know it's just extra grease, essentially, but it was so unctuous and satisfying.  Or maybe I really enjoy butter in the morning more than I ever realized.

8)  Now you're in for a treat, Friends.  I found an old voice memo on my phone.  I was clearly irked with the behavior of some people on Twitter, but I honestly couldn't tell you now who it was that sent that final message that made me snap.  I'm guessing I probably don't follow them any more.  Added bonus (if you want to consider it that): you can hear me curse, and breathe loudly, because I apparently held the phone very close in the moment.

Listen to me rant! You know you want to!

And there you have it, Friends.  These are the kinds of things I find relevant enough to make notes about.  If you are just dying to see more of these little forgotten moments, you can find the previous installments of Phone Notes here:  The classic, original phone notes, Phone Notes II: Electric Bugaloo, and Part III.

Thanks for reading.  I hope you enjoyed our time together, reliving the flotsam of my mind. Don't feel obligated to click on those links.  It's really just the short version of the stuff I post here all of the time, except I didn't attempt to pretty it up or expand upon it.  I doubt it will give you deep insights into my warped mind.  Or maybe it will -- I honestly don't know.  I'm pretty sure you can get more than enough of my ramblings just by scrolling back through old posts.

At Least I Can Give Them a Sugar High

Hey there, Friends.

So, this actually happened the evening before my last post -- we're time-travelling backwards, Friends!  If you already read that post, then this will fill in some of the details that might have had you scratching your head and wondering how it could possibly make sense.  Maybe you weren't wondering about it at all.  I don't know what goes on in your head when you read my babbling here.  If you haven't read it yet (and you really should, but I'm incredibly biased on this) you can do that after you have read this, and then you'll be reading it in chronological order and everyone else will just be screwed.  Deal?  Fabulous.

The other night I ran a book group at work, and we were discussing Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess.  I hadn't gotten many suggestions from my group when making the choices for this quarter, so this choice was all me.  I loved her first book, was pretty sure I was going to love this one as well, and there were enough copies in the library system that no one would have to go out and buy it.  I mean, not that they couldn't or shouldn't buy it, but we're a library so it's good to use library resources.   This is the cover of the book, which will hopefully make things just a little clearer for those of you who haven't read it and/or have never heard of The Bloggess before.  (You should really remedy that because she is wonderful!)

How could you not want to read a book with that cover?

As you may recall, Friends, I like to go a tad overboard for my book group.  I try to have thematically relevant decor and refreshments.  I want it to be an experience, damn it!  There was the time I tried (and failed rather spectacularly -- thanks Pinterest!) to make Unicorn Poop cookies when we discussed Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes by Neil Gaiman.  I also made little sinking Twinkie Titanics when we discussed A Night to Remember by Walter Lord.  There have also been some interesting holiday choices, which included zombies and Gingerdead Men.  

It was not going to be possible to try and discuss Furiously Happy without getting my hands on some sort of taxidermy animals.  I don't happen to own any -- they kind of creep me out a little bit.  I was really hoping I knew someone who did, or maybe they knew someone they could borrow it from. Hopefully something small, not like a giant full-on bear poised to devour us all.  Although a bear would be kind of cool, if a bitch to lug around.  To that end, I emailed the entire staff, and one person came through for me.  Victory!

I'm not going to tell you all about the book, I'm just going to tell you to read it.  It is by turns hilarious -- like literally laugh out loud while reading -- and a bit heartbreaking to realize what she struggles with on a daily basis.  It also made me, at least, feel very proud of her for just continuing to live her life and embrace it all.  And I think her husband might be due for sainthood.

This post is about my attempt to capture the spirit of the book for my book group.  If you've read it, feel free to tell me whether I succeeded or failed miserably.  I did my best.

Since I had managed to score a bit of taxidermy, it obviously had to be the star attraction of the table, yet not be near anything that could potentially spill on it or damage it.  What marvel of the natural world had I managed to borrow?  The leg and talon of a Great Horned Owl!  It came from Oregon.  Apparently my coworker's friend -- who lives in Oregon -- had found the already deceased owl, and had taken it home and taxidermied it themselves. (Spell check says "taxidermied" isn't a word, but I have no clue what else to use.  "Preserved" seems like it should be more for antiques and historical documents, or for making jam.  But I digress.) Anyway, they taxidermied the owl, and then sent my coworker the leg and talon.  She even had a holder for it.  This was fantastic!  I had the whole backstory on the item.

You can't just put a piece of owl on the table and not expect to get a few questions.

Friends, let's take a look at the whole table before I break it down for you any further.  We got the star of the hour out of the way already.

It looks nice, right?  I even gave them the coloring page  that didn't make her next book, but which she kindly posted on her website.

Right behind the owl piece, I had the zombies and a picture of Rory.

It would be wrong to discuss the book without Rory the Ecstatic Raccoon being present.

So, there were several mentions of zombies in the book.  That's my little Dismember Me zombie doll. This was actually his 4th (I think -- might be more) appearance at a book group.  That might actually be more zombie-action than most book groups would have, but I like to think it makes us a bunch of special little snowflakes.  Conveniently, the Halloween candy is already in stores so I was able to get a bunch of Sour Patch Kid zombie candy as well.  I really wanted gummy body parts-- particularly the feet -- but I couldn't find them anywhere yet this year.  Yeah.  Gummy body parts totally exist, and I have bought them before.  The chocolate animal crackers are there because I felt bad about not being to get my hands on any more taxidermy, so I wanted to up the animal presence.

Moving right along...

 Fortune cookies

As seen in the previous post, I got 2 fortunes in one magical cookie.

I know, Friends.  You must wondering what the heck this book is about.  Taxidermy, zombies, and now fortune cookies?  It might seem like I was having a moment and thought, "What would be the most random assemblage of shit I could just throw on the table?" but it really does make sense in the context of the book! You see, at one point in the book she finds a Zoltar Fortune Teller like in the movie Big, and decides that it should be their guide for future financial planning.  Those fortunes are much better than fortune cookies.  I'm good, but I wasn't going to be able to get my hands on a Zoltar machine, so fortune cookies would have to do.

Next up....

It's a boring picture.  Work with me.

Frankenstein had been mentioned at some point, and once again the lovely Halloween candy selection came through and I found tic-tacs  in a Frankenstein head.  In the book there was also a bit about what would happen if the gold standard our monetary system was based on suddenly went to shit.  Like, what if countries without a lot of gold decided, "Screw you guys, were basing our monetary system on spiders."  Now, I'm relatively sure she was talking about real spiders.  I don't know that she even took the abundance of fake spiders into account, which could make it even more interesting.  If you've been here for a while, Friends, you know that I have issues with spiders.  I fucking hate them with a passion. I'm pretty sure they are equally as passionate about trying to destroy me.  (You should really click those links, kids.  Spiders are kind of my archenemy.)  The fact that I was even willing to buy those bad boys and sit them on the table, to have them there being creepy for an entire book group, speaks volumes about how hard I tried to make this awesome.  

Oh, and there was pie.  Cherry flavored, and not the math kind.  The author doesn't like the math kind of pi.

A selection of related reading materials, in case anyone wanted to check them out.

That last bit should be expected.  It's a library. David Sedaris was mentioned in the book.  I, of course, had to include Jenny Lawson's first book (which you should also read), and then some others I thought people would like.

I tried, Friends.  I tried my best to capture the spirit of the book.  I might not have been able to make everyone Furiously Happy, but at least I could give them one hell of a sugar high.