Saturday, December 12, 2015

Phone Notes II: Electric Boogaloo

Hey, Friends.

You might remember a while back when I decided to share some of the nonsense from my phone before I deleted it.  (You can read the post here if you are just dying of curiosity.)  You probably don't remember, and why should you?  Your head is very busy remembering much more important things -- like the password that you made for a website and you were sure it was so easy you would never forget it and didn't need to write it down anywhere.  I don't expect you to make space in your brain to recall my ramblings -- that password is probably much more useful to you.

Why am I bringing this up?  Fair question.  It is once again that magical time when my phone is getting too full, and I need to purge and free up some storage space.  I should probably upgrade from my iPhone 4s at some point as well, but that's not the point.

"But why do we care about your petty phone issues?"  You don't, Friends.  I realize this.  Consider this your cue to stop reading right now, as the rest of this post is going to be made entirely of the drivel that went through my head, or things that happened that I jotted down.  Stuff I meant to follow up on and do something with here, but it never happened.  Little moments that were meant for greater things and have now been relegated to being dumped here before disappearing forever.  A last gasp for relevance, if you will.

That might not have been the best way to convince you to read this, but whatever.  It's happening whether you stick around to read it or not. On to the phone purge!

1) When you have to delete pictures from your phone, and you essentially have to give yourself a pep talk to do it.  "It's okay.  You can do this!  They have already gone on to live on social media.  It's okay to let go."

2) Dear Amazon,
          I know you have to install updates at times.  I'm all for updates and keeping things running smoothly.  I'm not a fan of how you do it.

         There is no warning.  Suddenly -- boom!  Shit just stops working.  I eventually figure out that the internet access on my Kindle Fire isn't loading, and it isn't a problem with my wifi.  No.  You updated shit, and until I figure out to reboot nothing is going to work.

          Same deal with Fire TV.  I was in the middle of watching a show when boom!  Everything freezes, and then it says I have no connection.  Once again, my wifi is fine.  You decided that was the optimum time to issue an update and f^*k you to anyone using the service at that moment.  No message.  No warning.  Do you have any idea how annoying it is to repeatedly type in the wifi password with the weird little remote?  Very.  And I did it repeatedly until I figured out to just unplug the damn thing and let it reboot.

3)  That moment when you know exactly what you should say, but you can't do it.  You know that if you say the right thing and tell the person what they want to hear, you will get whatever you want.  And you just can't do it.  It would make life a lot easier if you could just suck it up and spew the necessary words, but you cannot kiss that much ass without going insane.  Especially when it is undeserved.  Would rather be recognized for competence than the ability to lie.

When you see the sign warning about hunters, but figure it's not too serious because you are in a park.  About half an hour later, off in the distance a bit, you hear a gun shot.  Then another.  You've just reached the midpoint on your hiking trail, so there is no "quick" way to get back.  Screw it.  Any hunters in the area should realize that a deer would not be frolicking about in the woods wearing a bright red fleece.  But please don't shoot me on accident, okay?

5)  Putting on new socks can be such a magnificently decadent feeling.  I don't even like to wear socks that much -- barefoot is much better -- but new sock softness can be the coziest thing.  Like soft little hugs on your tired feet.

6)  That moment when you are in bed, half asleep, and suddenly can't remember if you locked the doors or just thought about having to lock the doors.  You're 99.9% sure you did, because you are a little OCD about that, but you know you have to get up and check anyway just to be sure.  You won't sleep unless you do.  If you don't check then it will probably turn out to be the one time you didn't lock the doors, and that will be when someone breaks in and axe murders you.  That would suck.  Big time.

7) Conversation between two girls, overheard in a coffee shop...

Girl 1: Look what he said there!  Isn't it funny?  I swear I've found my soul mate on Twitter!

Girl 2:  *Takes phone*  Too bad he lives on the other side of the country.  And has a few thousand followers.  Who is the person?

Girl 1: Just some guy.  I don't think he's famous or anything.  And he follows me!

Girl 2: You and 1,013 other people.

Girl 1: Hey!  He followed me first!  He obviously must see what I post and likes it.

Girl 2: Please.  He doesn't see shit that you post.  He just wants people to see his stuff.

Girl 1: He does too.  Can't you just be excited for me?

Girl 2:  Sure, if that makes you happy.  We'll just pretend you get a little tingle every time you see that someone looked at your tweet because you instinctively know it must be your soul mate reading your 140-words-or-less moments of brilliance.

Girl 1: I hate you.

Girl 2: You just hate my voice of reason.

** Yeah, that is a legit conversation.  I went into total creeper mode and took notes while they were talking.  Shut up.**

8)  That moment when you cannot remember the word "pilot", so you refer to the person as the "airplane driver".  Not even a little embarrassed when everyone laughs at you, because at least they knew what you were talking about.  Although, being called out and corrected by a 7 year old was something you could have lived without.

9) Work moments...

Coworker: Okay, I'm leaving.
Me: (while checking out a patron's items) Okay.
Coworker: See you tomorrow.
Me: I'll be here with bells on.

Coworker leaves...

Patron: Did you just tell her you would be here with bells on?
Me: Yup.
Patron: *laughs* Shit!  Sorry!  You're too funny.
Me: Thanks.
Patron: I'm going to have you check my stuff out from now on.
Me: Alright.  I'll see you in a week, same place.
Patron: I'll be here with bells on.

10)  More work moments...

Patron: I'm so glad the library moved!  That old area wasn't very nice.  And there are so many of those people over there.

Me: You mean the Vassar students?  It's a nice area -- lots of shops and restaurants to walk to.

Patron: Yes, it has things to walk to, but the people -- not the students, but the other people who live there.  You know, in the other direction.  Toward Main Street and the more city area.

Me: *blank stare*  I'm not sure that I do.

Patron: You know....the riff-raff.  

Me: There are a lot of nice, good people who live in that area.  Sure, there are some that have problems --

Patron: You have to say that because you work here.  You probably only saw the nicer segment of the population who actually know what a library is.

I was pissed off at this point.  Not going to lie.  Is there a polite way to tell someone to fuck off?  

Me: No, I can say that because I know those people.  I live two blocks from the old location.  You know, in the "other" direction.  Toward Main Street.

Patron: *looks stunned*

Me: I guess that makes me part of the riff-raff.  Your books are due in three weeks.  Have a good night.

Knowing my luck this woman will turn out to be a total witch who will file a complaint about me.

11) You know when you have a song stuck in your head?  Not even the whole song, just a snippet of it....okay really just the melody, and you can't think of any of the lyrics that go to it.  And it's way too late to be awake (around 2am) but this is going to drive you insane and keep you from sleeping until you figure out what song is stuck in your head.

    I got a little desperate.  What if I sing it to Siri?  Siri has Shazaam powers.  I wonder if I can sing the tune to Siri and she can identify it and put me out of my misery?  Is that even a thing?  Does Siri have the power to do that?

There are three possibilities here:

-- Siri does not, in fact, have the ability to recognize a song when you sing the tune to her.
-- Siri does have the ability, but just thought my singing was so terrible that she had no idea what to do about it and tried to let me down gently
-- I am a much worse singer than my shower has led me to believe all these years, especially at 2 am when I should be sleeping.

I still don't know what song it was.  

And that concludes our fun time with the random stuff I saved on my phone.  We'll probably do this again in a few months, Friends.  I hope you were mildly amused.  At the very least you will now know not to bother reading Phone Notes III when you see it posted, right?

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