So, There's This Super Bowl Game Happening

Hi there, Friends.

I'm not really a big football fan, so this is kind of an odd topic to bring up.  Like you should be impressed and proud that I even know who is playing in the game.  I don't like watching it because I'm always afraid that someone is going to get hurt when they tackle each other.  I'm weird, I realize. Most of the country loves it and I'm always worried about seeing an injury.

This is why I need your expertise here, Friends.

I'm not quite sure if Super Bowl pools are actually legal or not, so let's just say it this way...

Hypothetically, there could be a Super Bowl pool in existence.  Probably many, all over the country. Let's say that I had 2 squares in a totally-hypothetical-and-not-at-all-real pool.  As mentioned above, I don't watch football that often, so I have no idea what would be "good" numbers to have ....you know, if the hypothetical pool actually existed.

Let's get a little more imaginative with our totally-not-at-all-real Super Bowl pool. Using our imaginations to pick totally random numbers out of the ether, let's say I wound up with the following in this totally-imaginary-and-fake situation:

Falcons 1 Patriots 5
Falcons 5 Patriots 2

If our imaginary pool were to exist, would those be good numbers to have?  I honestly have no idea. Do they come up very often in scores?  Or, in the context of our imaginary scenario, would I be totally screwed?

Thanks for your help, Friends!  (Please note: I will also have no clue if you even know what you are talking about.)

Oh, the Sweetness

Hey, Friends.

It's been a hot second since we last discussed my fab book group, and since we are meeting tonight I thought we could check in on it.  (You can find the last post about it over here.)

Tonight we will be discussing Sweetness #9 by Stephan Eirik Clark. Too lazy to click on the link to find out what the book is all about?  Fine.  I'll paste the blurb from Amazon here for you.

"It's 1973, and David Leveraux has landed his dream job as a Flavorist-in-Training, working in the secretive industry where chemists create the flavors for everything from the cherry in your can of soda to the butter on your popcorn.

While testing a new artificial sweetener--"Sweetness #9"--he notices unusual side-effects in the laboratory rats and monkeys: anxiety, obesity, mutism, and a generalized dissatisfaction with life. David tries to blow the whistle, but he swallows it instead.

Years later, Sweetness #9 is America's most popular sweetener--and David's family is changing. His wife is gaining weight, his son has stopped using verbs, and his daughter suffers from a generalized dissatisfaction with life. Is Sweetness #9 to blame, along with David's failure to stop it? Or are these just symptoms of the American condition?

David's search for an answer unfolds in this expansive novel that is at once a comic satire, a family story, and a profound exploration of our deepest cultural anxieties. Wickedly funny and wildly imaginative, Sweetness #9 questions whether what we eat truly makes us who we are."

Sounds interesting, right?  I was unaware when I picked it that it had also gotten the "Colbert Bump". No, that really is a thing. --> Colbert Bump

Now, how to decorate and make snacks for a book group centered around an artificial sweetener  that is pervading the food we eat?

This is the cover of the edition of the book that I read:

Bright pink sweetness.

I immediately had one idea of what to make for my book group, just from seeing the cover.  Friends, you might consider me to be a touch on the twisted side, or maybe the slightest bit evil when you see this. I like to think of it more as giving my book group a double dog dare.  

Strawberry cake with bright pink frosting, and pink sprinkles that look exactly like the picture of Sweetness #9 on the book cover.  

It had to be done, really.  I feel I would be remiss if I didn't try to freak them out a little bit by using something that looked just like the sweetener in the book.

Slight spoiler here, folks.

By the end of the book, our flavorist has moved to the West Coast and is living on a farm, raising organic produce and making small-batch organic sauerkraut that he sells.  Obviously, I had to do something that involved sauerkraut.  

Reuben Sliders

Table view

I decided to try to make the table look as much like the book cover as possible, so I went with baby blue to make that hot pink cake pop!

And no, I was not taking a swipe at Diet Coke by including it in tonight's festivities.  I always have it as an option at book group. Lemonade joined it tonight as the other option.

The decorations were a bit harder to come up.  I had a epiphany while wandering the dollar store this morning, getting the tablecloth and things.  Why not just decorate it with packets or artificial sweeteners?  That would be awesome!  And since the sweetener in the book was supposed to be this huge success that had invaded every aspect of America's food, why not some little party toppers?

Sugar-like substances

I also found some fun art that had been created for the book.

And related reading/viewing materials, of course.

Beyond my whacked-out idea of fun decorations and food, Friends, the book actually is a good read. I found the plot a little sluggish in the middle, and then the end seemed to wrap up really quickly.  It will definitely make you think twice about what the hell you are actually eating.  It also had writing that was really enjoyable. 

Three of my favorite passages from the book are:

"The physical and spiritual wonders of love.  It was all out there waiting for me, but it was also a fleeting fantasy."

"The questions that undermine our faith don't arrive through deep meditation and diligent study.  They pop up like soldiers from a foxhole, ready to shoot you down before you even have the time to realize you are dead."

"What do we do, David? We tell people, 'This is what a strawberry tastes like,' and eventually that's what they come to believe: this is what a strawberry tastes like."

It was a pretty successful night!  And in case you were wondering, Friends -- they totally ate some of the pink cake!  My book group s awesome.

Ice Ice Baby

Hey, Friends.

We got a little bit of an ice storm last night, right on the heels of a lovely weekend that felt more like Spring than Winter.  So many people told me that it was just going to be rain.  I didn't believe them. When it comes to to the weather I listen to Hudson Valley Weather as they tend to be a lot more accurate and specific to our area.  Their forecast said sleet and possibly snow, and they were right!

This was the very start or it last night, just in time for the drive home from work.

Perfect end to the day. #HappyMonday pic.twitter.com/HLnbMh39fc

— Tammy (@tammyshampoo) January 23, 2017

Last night, as the ice was falling, I decided I should wander around and take some pictures.  Luckily for me we have a delayed opening at work today, so I had extra time for more pictures this morning. Might as well make the best of it if everything is going to be an icy mess.

From last night.  Look how pretty the ice looks!

The hydrangea in my garden last night, coated with ice.

Same former flowers in daylight.

That's my back yard. No, that really is the whole thing. You can see my garage on the top left, my neighbors blue garage/shed on the right, and the bottom of the fence in the back.  It was so cruddy that even the deer don't appear to have been out galavanting in my yard, or raiding the bird feeder.

It actually got inside the lingering husks on my Rose of Sharon.

Already starting to melt a bit in the front of the house.  (That was my anise plant).

Neighbor's tree is a little weighed down.  Hopefully it melts before it breaks.

My car in its ice cocoon.

I could actually see and feel the individual little pellets while cleaning off the car.

Why yes, I did buy it just for the name.

It looks like I led a Smurf massacre on my front walkway.

The Highway Department seems to have done a pretty kick-ass job, so hopefully getting to work in a bit will be nice and easy.

That's what I've been up to for the last 12 hours or so, Friends.  Well...including sleeping, of course. I hope you have better weather wherever you are reading this! 

I'll leave you with this: shoveling ice is a bitch.  It's heavy as hell and that plow wake is no joke. 

I Need Some Fresh Air

Hey, Friends.

How are you?  No, seriously -- how are you doing?  The last couple of days have been kind of tumultuous.  I really want to know that you all are doing okay. Emotions have been running high on all sides.  People are saying horrible things to each other online, like there isn't another human being you are directing the words to.  I've seen mass waves of "unfriending" on Facebook.  Just because I might not share the same views as you when it comes to politics doesn't mean that I don't care about you as my friend.

Seeing as I have the day off, I decided to unplug for a bit and get away from it all for a while.  (Not too far though, as it looks like it might pour at any second.)  To that end, I decided to go on a short hike, and found myself at the Home of Franklin D. Roosevelt.  They have some nice nature trails there, but I can't rule out my subconscious having directed me there as I had been thinking about his Four Freedoms earlier this morning.

Sculpture made from pieces of the Berlin Wall, taken earlier this summer.  It's under protective covers for the winter right now.

But this isn't meant to be a political post.  This is meant to be a break from it all. Let's just move along to enjoying nature, shall we?  Fantastic.

When it looks more like early Spring than late January

View of the lawn, looking toward the Hudson River

You can make anything look creepy if you try hard enough

View from the top of the waterfall

What waterfall?  This one.

Same waterfall from a little bit down the trail

Still doesn't look like Winter, but now it at least seems like Autumn.

Tidal marsh & Hudson River.  You can just barely see the Walkway Over the Hudson in the background.

That's how I spent my afternoon.  I highly recommend taking a moment for yourself and just getting away from it all for a bit.  Go outdoors.  Unplug.  Stop reading things that you know are just going to annoy you or piss you off.  Take a step back and remember that there are beautiful things all around you.  Feed your soul.

Fashion Statement

Hey, Friends.

Just a quick update on my lunch break.

Person: "Is your shirt a flag with skulls on it?"

Me: Yup.

Person: "Are you aware the Inauguration is today?"

Me: That's why I wore it.

Person: "I think I love you right now."

Making a statement without having to say a word.

Almost...But No, Probably Not Even Close

Hey, Friends.

Do you ever wonder how hard it must be to be a celebrity sometimes?  No, really.  It's got to be like being the popular kid in high school only you're under a thousand times more scrutiny. Why yes, this is the nonsense that runs through my mind at times.

Maybe you just want to go out and get coffee, or meet a friend for dinner.  Now someone recognizes you.  And yeah, it's a good problem to have to be popular and get recognized on the street. People obviously like you and your work, which is great. I'm sure you get used to it after a while.  But now do you stop and talk, take a picture or whatever? One or two people, okay, but what if more show up? If you ignore them is it going to be all over the internet that you were an asshole and wouldn't stop to talk to your fans?  What if you're already running late and you really just can't stop at the moment, and now that's the one time some dude parked 3 cars away decides to shoot video and post that you are a jackass?

Why am I pondering problems that, most likely, I will never have to deal with?  Fair question, Friends.  Because it happens to me sometimes, but on a much smaller tinier not even remotely close scale.  Okay, it's really nothing like it, but it's the best comparison I could manage.

For example, I went to get coffee on the way to work yesterday morning.  There's a dude chilling outside the door, and he says, "Hey, Girl!  Do you know what time it is?"  So I tell him it's about 8:30 and wander inside to get my coffee.

I come back out and the dude is still there, but this time he's all, "Hey!  I know you!  You're the Library Lady!"  Yup.  That's me.  So now I guess we are going to have a chat.

Dude: You going to work?

Me: Yeah, but I'm going to the branch.  Not into the city.

Dude:  Oh.  Can you give me $5 for bus fare?

Me: Uh, no.  I've got $1.  You can have that.

Dude:  Thanks!  I'll pay you back, I swear!

Me: Don't even worry about it.  Have a nice day!

Dude:  See ya, Library Lady!

That's paraphrased a bit, but you get the gist.


That shit happens a lot.  I'm used to it now, but it freaked me out at first.  Not going to lie.  Just because I don't necessarily remember them, doesn't mean they don't recognize me.  I'm not going to be rude and ignore someone.  Common courtesy and manners make life easier for everyone, kids.  Also -- just be a decent human being and acknowledge that someone is speaking to you.  And it also reflects on the library, even though we aren't there at the moment.  I don't need to contribute to any feeling of ill will against the library, or have rumors running rampant that I'm a bitch.

It doesn't happen to me all the time.  It's never a concern when I leave the house about who I might run into that day.  I've never been swarmed with people wanting to chat when I just want to grab lunch.

It does make me wonder how much more difficult it must make things if you do have to worry about it on a grander scale.  If I were to blow off the guy outside the door asking for money?  There's very little chance anyone would ever hear about it.  It sure as hell isn't going to be all over the internet in the next few hours, complete with video.

I've got no follow up for that, Friends.  Consider it an example of the flotsam that floats about in my brain.

On a totally unrelated note --

My last post with the attempt at vlogging?  You all seem to like that.  A lot.  That post has been viewed twice as much as anything else I have posted in months.  I'm hoping that's a good thing.  For all I know I could be getting turned into a meme somewhere as we speak.

Since you seemed to enjoy it, Friends, I put together more nonsense that didn't fit in the first video. You can watch it or not -- entirely up to you.

Questions Part II

And, since someone said it would be funny to watch all of my facial expressions and hair shenanigans in fast motion, I tried to do that too.  

It's not great, but I'm seriously impressed with myself for even figuring out how to do this.

This Might Be A Horrible Idea

Hey, Friends.

So, I've gotten a little feedback on our time here together recently...more like suggestions, really. They can actually work together pretty well, so I thought it would be fun to combine them here.  This could be a stroke of genius, or a truly horrible idea.

First, a new reader suggested that it might be a good idea if I did a Getting To Know You type post.  I was less than enthusiastic about it.  I mean, what do you want to know?  A lot of them are the same old questions that have already been done to death on Facebook, or they might be just too damn nosy and I have no intention of answering them online.  There are probably some I wouldn't feel comfortable answering in person either unless I felt really comfortable with you.  Or was drunk.

Around the same time this was suggested, I got a random message on Twitter asking if I wanted to receive a written interview about myself.  It wasn't the first time I've gotten it from various accounts. I assume most people have, as I highly doubt I am cool enough to be on the cutting edge.  My first thought was, "Why in the world would anyone want to interview me?" Maybe it's just me, but I assume when someone is being interviewed it is because they have done a heroic feat, or made some major discovery or innovation, or created art of some description -- something noteworthy has happened that deserves to have attention called to it.  I write a freaking blog in my spare time. Real talk, Friends: we are like the teeniest, tiniest little speck on the internet.  I mean, I think we're pretty awesome, but I'm sure all of the shit-tons of other people who have blogs think they are just as special.

Curiosity being what it is, I clicked on the link to check it out.  Turns out, it's a service.  For $5 they will conduct a written interview of 4-6 questions.  And then I guess you own the interview, or for a bit more money they will post it to their social media websites for you. I assume the allure is in the possibility of expanding your audience on social media. It seems to have gotten pretty good reviews, and has a fast turn around time. I'm not trying to down the service by any means.

Yeah, I didn't do it...well, at least not yet.  I still might.  It is only $5, and I am a little curious as to how the whole process works.  If nothing else it might make for an interesting and/or amusing story to share here.  I'm always thinking of you, Friends!

Here's my major hang up with the idea:

It's a written interview.  Presumably they are going to email me 4-6 questions.  I answer them and email them back.  I assume some sort of editing or revision process happens after that, and then it is done. I have a blog.  I ask myself questions and answer them all of the time.  That seems more like a FAQ then an interview.  I could do essentially the same thing by myself and save the $5.  Beyond that, some of the examples shown have very clear spelling and grammatical errors. I'm not saying that I'm perfect when I write here.  I'm sure there are grammatical errors that I miss, spelling mistakes, typos and the like. If I fuck it up on my blog then I can only blame myself.  If you are selling this as a service? I shouldn't notice the mistakes when I am just quickly scrolling through examples of your work.

The point of all of that was to say that maybe the idea of a Getting To Know You thing wouldn't be such a terrible idea.  It might be pretty boring for you to just read a list of things about me.  I do try not to bore you, although I'm never sure if I am entirely successful with it.

Which brings us to suggestion #2, Friends.  A good friend of mine, whom I'm sure has nothing but my best interests at heart, told me I should start a vlog.  Clearly she either did not see my attempts at making one short video (discover the many ways I failed at that here) or she has repressed her memory of said event.  She was really jazzed about the idea, and her enthusiasm was kind of contagious.

I kicked the idea around for a while.  Do I really want to try another video?  What the hell do I even have to say?  At least with the last one there was a purpose to fulfill.

But wait...what if I took the idea of the Getting To Know You thing, and combined it with the vlog idea?  At least then I wouldn't have to worry about what to say.  It would just be answering questions.

Oh yeah.  We're going there, Friends.

Consider this fair warning.  Stop scrolling now and make a hasty exit if you find the idea of sitting through another video unpleasant and/or possibly painful.  Maybe you are excited about seeing how badly this goes and what kind of an idiot I can make of myself this time.  Grab some popcorn and pull up a chair!  I'm sure it's bound to happen at some point.  Perhaps you just want to learn more about me, or find me amusing and want to see what I am going to say, or just want to be supportive.  Love you for that. 💗 Hell, maybe you're just bored and are looking to kill some time.  Whatever floats your boat.

Hours, people.  It took so many hours to make this.

Did you get to know me better, Friends?  Was it worth all of the time and effort I put into it?  I really hope so. I don't know that it was as deep and insightful as you might have been hoping, but it is what it is. I know I learned several things about myself while watching and editing the footage.

1) I mess with my hair. A LOT.

2) I make a lot of silly faces while thinking and reading.

3) I never realized I bit my lip quite that much.

I also know that you are probably waiting to see the parts where I really screwed up, the failures that did not make the final product.  (There's actually a ton of stuff that didn't make the final product.) For your viewing pleasure, allow me to share some of my mistakes.

Trying to get things set up.  This will not be the location chosen!

Technical difficulties

This one is actually kind of okay.  

Wondering how well this may or may not be going

Hair problems

This was taking too long, and I was getting a bit cranky

That moment when I thought I had accidentally deleted a bunch of stuff

That's all there is, Friends.  Quite frankly, I'm really tired of looking at myself.  Did you like this? Was it even worth the effort?  Let me know if I should bother attempting this again in the future.

Saturday By The River

Hey, Friends.

Ah, Saturday.  A lovely day for being a little lazy and sleeping late...well, on the weeks when I am not scheduled to work, that is.  I happened to have today off, but I'm a dumb ass and scheduled a hair appointment for this morning so I had to get up early anyway.  Okay, so it wasn't really early, but much earlier than I would have liked.

What to do with myself after, all fresh and beautified?  It was only about 10:30 in the morning after all.  I should do something, show off my hair that is all blown out and straight at the moment -- a rarity indeed.

First step: get more coffee, obviously.  I do have my priorities, Friends.

And then I decided it would be a good idea to go take a little wander about and take some pictures.  I had the rest of the day free, and the weather wasn't horrible so why not?  

I headed to Longview Park.  It was only about 25 degrees out after all, and I wasn't exactly dressed to go out on a hike.  A reminder, Friends: it's always a good idea to bring gloves with you when it is cold outside.  I didn't, since I hadn't originally been planning on going anywhere else.  Don't be like me -- plan ahead.  My fingers were not happy during my little spur of the moment jaunt.

Turns out there aren't many other people out frolicking in public parks when it is 25 degrees outside. Surprising, I know.  Nice time for some quiet contemplation, listening to the birds and the crunching of the ice as it breaks up on the Hudson River.

You can hear the ice breaking on the Hudson. pic.twitter.com/MfTbC4oaSG

— Tammy (@tammyshampoo) January 14, 2017

Without further ado, let me show you how I spent part of my Saturday.  I've even selected some fine music for your listening pleasure.

Give it a try.  You might like it.

It might look like late afternoon, but it was about 11:30 in the morning.

Why yes, my feet were a tad chilly. I refer you to the poor planning mentioned above.

Looking down the river toward the Walkway Over the Hudson.

Geese doing a polar plunge

Just chilling

That was the sky at noon.  

Black & white.  Thought I'd switch it up a bit.

That was my Saturday, Friends: drinking coffee and taking pictures.  I consider it a day well spent.  I hope all of you found a way to make your day just as enjoyable.

What's In a Name?

Hey, Friends.

We're going to ruminate on a rather strange subject today.  I'm talking about names -- more specifically about the use of nicknames.  I know it seems like a random topic to be thinking about. You see, I was recently told that I was "old fashioned" in my handling of nicknames, and I'd like to get some other opinions on the subject.

I have no problem with nicknames.  As someone who was blessed with a first name that 99% of people mispronounce?  I very much appreciate having an easier nickname.  It's not a deep, dark secret or anything.  It's not even all that unusual a name -- it's the pronunciation that throws people. My first name is Tamara. Can we get somewhat phonetic for a moment? You pronounce it like camera, only with a "T" instead of a "C", obviously.  It's not Tah-MARE-ah, or Tah-MAR-ah. That's why I tell everyone to just call me Tammy.  Nobody screws that one up.

Having a name that people have trouble pronouncing makes for fun times.  For example, it's super easy to tell when the person calling you is a telemarketer or the like.  They massacre that shit every single time.  You learn to get over people screwing up your name really quickly, too.  Take my first day of kindergarten as a prime example.  I came home from school that day all upset and told my mother that the teacher had called me Tomato all day long.  Obviously she wasn't really teasing me and calling me names, she was just mispronouncing it. I didn't dare to correct her or tell her to call me Tammy because you are supposed to listen to your teacher.

Why are we discussing this in the first place?  Fair question.

I was talking to a patron at work the other day, and it turns out we had a few mutual acquaintances. The patron said, "Oh, so you must know Chuck then."  (I'm changing the name to keep this a little more anonymous, although the chances of anyone involved stumbling across this post are slim to none.) Nope.  Pretty sure I don't know anyone named Chuck.  She goes on to describe him, and eventually I realize I do know him as Charles. She finds that hilarious because "no one ever calls him Charles".  I explained that I was introduced to him that way, and he didn't offer an alternative. She was of the opinion that I should somehow just know that he would prefer to  be called Chuck and shorten it to the nickname immediately.  I believe the exact quote was, "Well, if you meet someone named Timothy, you just know he goes by Tim so that's what you call him."  I told her that I didn't use nicknames for anyone unless they told me they preferred to be called by one, and she laughed. She found the idea amusing, and told me that it was quaint and old-fashioned.

Am I wrong here?  I don't think I am, Friends.

Why would you automatically assume that someone wants to be called a name other than the way they are introduced?  When I get introduced to someone as Tamara, I immediately tell them they can call me Tammy.  Most people who chose to go by a nickname generally offer it right up front.  If I meet you as Charles and you offer no alternative, then I am going to assume you want to be called Charles. I don't think that is quaint or old fashioned.  I kind of assumed it was the norm to call someone by their name.

Someone might hate having their name shortened, or has such a short name to begin with that they never had the need to use a nickname.  Take the name James for example.  It's not a long name.  Yes, a lot of people choose to go by Jamie, or Jimmy, or Jim, but other people stick with James.

And what about the names where there are multiple commonly used nicknames? We'll go back to Charles, again.  Why I would I automatically assume he wanted to be called Chuck?  It could just as easily be Charlie.  I have an Uncle Will and a coworker named Bill, both from William. I'm not psychic, so I would never assume which variation someone wanted to be called without them expressly telling me.

Personal preferences change as people get older as well.  I knew someone in elementary school who we always called Joey.  Now he's older, and he prefers to go by Joe or Joseph.

Maybe they prefer to use their given name for professional reasons, and have a nickname that they use with family and friends.  They might be Robert at work, Bob to other people, and with family and long time friends they might be Bobby.  You never know.  Why make the automatic leap to a name that might mean a different level of relationship or intimacy with that person?  Hell, maybe their parents always call them Junior because they have the same name as their father.  Parents get to do that.

That's without considering the nicknames you would never expect.  When I was in college my roommate was dating (and is now married to) a guy who went to R.I.T.  We used to spend a lot of time hanging out and partying with the guys in the engineering house there.  There were so many guys named Matthew that they all had nicknames: one guy was Matt, one guy was known as "Matt from Oregon from Arizona" (he moved a lot), and one guy went by his last name.  I dated a guy whose real name was Michael, but everyone called him Flip because he was on the soccer team and did bicycle kicks a lot.  And then there was Bob, whose real name was Dave, but he wanted a nickname like all the other guys so he chose Bob.  You just never know.

I was in a sorority in college.  My pledge name was Zia.  For the most part, we all called each other by our pledge names for years.  There are still people that I think of first by their pledge name, and then I have to think for a minute to remember their actual name.  I'm sure they do the same thing.  It makes complete sense to refer to each other that way, but it would be freaking weird if someone else randomly decided to bust out my pledge name and start using it now.

What are your feelings on the topic of nicknames, Friends?  Am I odd for not assuming people want to be addressed by a nickname or diminutive?  If you meet someone named Gertrude, let's say, do you assume she wants to be called Trudy or Gertie without her saying so?  I always thought it was a tad presumptuous to call someone by a name other than they way they were introduced unless they said otherwise.

Humor me, Friends.  I'm curious.

A Pumpkin Story

Hey, Friends.

I hope your 2017 is off to a good start!  We're only a few days into the year, so hopefully it hasn't totally gone to shit on you already. Lots of time to make a comeback and turn it around if it isn't going so well.

As you may recall, back in October I went apple and pumpkin picking with some of my friends.  It's pretty much what everyone does at least once in the Fall when you live in this area.  Need a refresher? You can click on this handy-dandy link right here.  We picked apples and I got to be the Official Tree Climber. It was a fun day.

I kind of fell in love with one pumpkin because I thought it was just adorable -- particularly it's sort of droopy-looking stem.  I had to get it even though I was going to be in Texas for Halloween.  It was too perfect to leave behind!

My pumpkin, happily living on my front steps

Now, I've had issues before with people messing with my decorations on my front steps.  When I am going to be home during Halloween, I usually have a ton of pumpkins on the front steps.  One or two are real, and the rest are the foam ones that you can buy at the craft store.  A few of the foam ones are carved, and then I can use them every year and just put flameless candles in the them.  The rest are solid foam, and they stay out on the steps right through Thanksgiving.

A couple years ago when I was home for Halloween, I had a party.  It had been pretty warm out still, and we had been in the house and on the front porch, lots of windows open.  Everyone had gone home, and I was trying to do a quick clean up before passing out for the night. It was probably about 1-1:30 in the morning. 

I noticed this weird thumping noise coming from the street in front of my house. There's a guy out there, and he had one of my pumpkins in his hands.  He lifted it over his head, and threw it at the ground while saying, "Stupid pumpkin!"  It didn't smash, as he had clearly been hoping, but simply bounced off the pavement. Luckily for me, and much to his apparent frustration, he had picked one of my foam pumpkins to try to smash.

He picked the pumpkin back up again and threw it at the ground with a little more force, getting a little louder with his "Stupid pumpkin!" mantra.  I was pretty sure the guy was less than sober, judging from his slightly uncoordinated movements. I had my phone ready in case he decided to up his attempted vandalism, or tried to come in my house. 

Friends, that dude was persistent!  He must have been out there for a good 10 minutes trying to smash that foam pumpkin.  I have no idea how long he had been there before I heard the thumping noise. He didn't touch anything else, but he kept picking up that one pumpkin and trying to smash it over and over again.  Finally, he made this kind of a "Mrah" growling noise, waved his hands at the pumpkin, and stumbled off down the street.

I waited until I was sure he had wandered off out of sight, and went out to recover my pumpkin from the street.  Not even a dent!  No wonder the dude was getting so frustrated.  I would guess that he probably had zero recollection of his little pumpkin-smashing adventure the next day.  If he did, he was probably a bit confused at his spectacular failure.  I found it hilarious!  Drunk people can be highly amusing.

Back to my point....and I swear I do have one.

So, this year I left my adorable pumpkin on the front steps when I went to Texas. Poor thing was all on its own, and I hoped I wouldn't return to find it a pumpkin-colored splotch on the street in front of my house.

I'm happy to report it was just fine on my return, so I left it on the front steps to act as Thanksgiving / Harvest decor.  Maybe it was because I hadn't carved it, maybe I had found it the perfect little habitat sitting on bricks and spending the day in the sun.  All I know is my little pumpkin showed no signs of being anything less than as perfect as when I had picked him.

Thanksgiving came and went, and my pumpkin was still on my front steps.  People had their Christmas decorations out (including me -- my lights were on the house), and my pumpkin was still sitting on my front steps.  It was still perfectly fine, and I did have a coworker who said he wanted it to make into pies -- he just didn't want it yet as he was maxed out on pumpkins at the moment. So I left it there.

I left my adorable pumpkin on the front steps until I started to get a world of comments from my parents and my neighbors about it.

Christmas lights up, 🎃 still on steps. Either 🎃 has to go or I need more holidays represented and become "that house" on the street.

— Tammy (@tammyshampoo) December 9, 2016

Yeah. It was time.  Either my adorable pumpkin needed to move on, or I needed to put up decorations from all different holidays and be that one crazy house that seems to exist on every street.

By this point I was pretty sure my coworker had forgotten about my pumpkin.  The thing was still perfectly fine!  Not sure what to do with it, I moved it to the back of the house to sit next to my garage.

People had lots of suggestions on what I should do with my pumpkin.  One person said they painted theirs red and green and left them on their front lawn to act as Christmas ornaments.  Someone else told me about kits you could buy to decorate them and make them look like elves.  Most people told me to take it to the woods somewhere and leave it for the deer.

Wait....deer eat pumpkins?  I don't know why I found that so strange, but it gave me ideas.

I have more wildlife friends that visit my back yard than I ever could have imagined survived in this area.  There are: deer, squirrels, birds, skunks, bunnies, cats, raccoons, groundhogs, possums, and apparently a bear (at least once).  Exactly how long could my pumpkin sit in the yard before something decided it looked like a tasty treat?

I don't know what exactly I thought was going to happen during my little wildlife experiment, Friends. I expected to see some tooth marks after the first few days -- some sort of evidence that something had found it and started to chomp its way into the yummy pumpkin seeds at the center.

Well, the birds seem to like visiting the pumpkin

My poor pumpkin had lived such a sheltered little life before it got moved to the back yard.  Now it had been rained on repeatedly.  It had snowed a few times.  Other than signs that the birds liked to visit, it still seemed to be completely intact.

Sunday night I was contemplating my pumpkin.  Maybe all those people were wrong and deer really didn't eat pumpkins. Maybe I had finicky wildlife that lived in my neighborhood, as they clearly preferred to eat all of my bird food from the feeder rather than touch the pumpkin.  Was it the placement of the pumpkin?  It was near the bird feeder, but maybe if I moved it over to the other side of the yard and put it in the garden that would make a difference.  It was farther from the house. If nothing ever touched it and it slowly rotted away, it would probably be good fertilizer.

I completely spaced on moving the pumpkin before work Monday morning.  It was cold and rainy, and I just didn't want to be outside any longer than necessary.  I figured the pumpkin would be fine just chilling by the garage for another day or two.

I was wrong, Friends.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered this upon leaving for work Tuesday morning:

Flat pumpkin

Can pumpkins explode?  That was my first thought.  Like maybe it had frozen and thawed enough that it just burst somehow.  A closer examination, however, proved that one side was completely gone, most of the pulpy goop inside was gone, and the seeds were scattered about in front of the garage door. Clearly something had decided that it was hungry enough to go after the pumpkin.

Experiment on, Friends!  I left my pile of pumpkin right where it was, curious to see what would happen next.  Maybe the thrill was now gone and I would end up moving the pumpkin mush to the garden.  Maybe this was just step one, and now other neighborhood wildlife would get in on the action.  

Wednesday morning brought yet another stage in the experiment.

The pumpkin has vanished!

My pumpkin was totally and completely gone!  Literally nothing there except the cracked shells from some of the seeds. What could possibly have done this?  I wish I had a camera out there, because I would really love to know if it was like one animal, or a joint effort -- did one thing eat the pumpkin itself, and then the squirrels and birds took all of the seeds?

It wasn't until I was heading off to work this afternoon (I work the late shift on Thursdays) that I noticed something in my yard that looked odd.  There was a beige-colored lump on the other side of my yard in between the garden and the raspberry bush.  I decided to go investigate as it would not be the first time one of the feral cats had made a kill in the yard and left a random pile of bird feathers in its wake.  Thankfully, it was not a pile of feathers or a mangled little bird body -- it was the stem from my pumpkin!

Pumpkin stem photo shoot on the back steps

The thing has been picked clean.  There is not the slightest trace of pumpkin attached to it any more. Whatever critter had gotten the stem was either ambitious or desperate enough to remove every edible scrap from that stem.  I don't know if the stem was actively being dragged across the lawn to another destination, or if the trip was made accidentally while the attached pumpkin bits were being eaten.  Hell, for all I know one of the feral cats discovered it and decided it would be a great toy to bat around the yard.

So, what conclusions can we draw from the experiment, Friends?

-- If you leave a pumpkin outside long enough, something(s) will eat it.

-- The wildlife in my neighborhood is not nearly as finicky as I believed, and just like to fuck with my bird feeder out of convenience.

-- I might have recycled my pumpkin in the best possible way.

Will my yard now be the new popular spot for all the wildlife to hang out looking to score a treat? We'll just have to wait and see.