You Be the Judge

Hey, Friends.

So, I was standing in line to get coffee this morning, minding my own business and listening to the two guys in front of me having a conversation about some sports thing.  (I honestly don't know what they were talking about -- I don't watch sports except for the Olympics, the World Cup, and the Super Bowl half-time show.)  I'm going to paraphrase their conversation, except for the part at the end which is an exact quote because it is burned into my memory and has haunted me all day. M'kay?

Dude #1: Says something sports related

Dude #2: What?  What makes you say that?

Dude #1: I read it online...blahblahblahsportsblahblah wesbite

Dude #2: What website?

Dude #1: Well, it's a blog.

Dude #2: Oh, forget then.  I don't pay attention to blogs.

Dude #1: Why not?  You were just interested in it like a second ago.

Dude #2: "Bloggers are all just a bunch of narcissistic assholes who think their opinions are more important than everyone else in the world."

And that's when I tuned out.  Clearly they were not talking to me.  I don't know them, they weren't paying the slightest bit of attention to me, and I highly doubt they have ever stumbled their way to our little speck of the internet here.

It still hit a little close to home, Friends, and the thought kicked around in my brain all day.

I have a blog.  Do I come off as a narcissistic asshole?  I hope not, truly.

I mean, I'm sure I have my asshole moments -- we all do.  We're human.  I admit to being narcissistic at times as well.  I'm far from perfect.  In fact, this whole post could be a prime example of being what this guy hates because it is going to involve a lot of navel-gazing, Friends.  You can bail now if that isn't your cup of tea.

I would never attempt to explain or defend all bloggers.  I know very few people with blogs.  I can only speak for myself here.

I think people create things because they want to share it with others.  It might be writing a screenplay, a poem, a painting, writing a song, crafting the perfect joke, or even just a humble blog. It's trying to capture an ephemeral feeling, or a moment, and asking other people to share in it. Maybe the goal is to help someone, or just to bring a little humor into the world. It's putting a little bit of yourself out there, your heart, your world view -- whatever you chose to present -- and seeing how it resonates. People might hate it and think you are a narcissistic asshole.  Fair enough.  But it might help one person, or bring a smile to someone's otherwise shitty day.  There might be one person out there who identifies, who feels it.  That's enough to make it worthwhile.  It helps to sort through the shit in your own head, and maybe the reaction it spurs can end up helping you in the end by giving a different perspective on the matter.

Personally, I like writing as a way to express my thought and ideas.  I have to slow down and think about what I'm saying before just shooting off my mouth.  It helps to clarify my thoughts and gives me time to reflect on what I'm actually trying to express.

Also, I absolutely hate public speaking, and I am naturally incredibly shy when meeting new people. I'm never going to be the person out on stage in a spotlight, or reading a new poem at an open mic night.  That's the fuel for nightmares, in my book. I'm not exaggerating.  Been like this my entire life, although I have gotten much better and less awkward over the years.

My Mother tells a story about trying -- yeah trying -- to get me to go see Santa when I was little.  I was fine the entire time we were waiting in line, and when the moment came and I realized I would have to go talk to him?  No way.  I covered my face with my hands, because if I couldn't see him then he couldn't see me and it wasn't happening. I kept telling her, "I don't want to tell him, you tell him." Even the allure of my own candy cane could not make me go to talk to him.

Let's talk about the hell that was any kind of presentation that involved public speaking, all through high school and college.  It wasn't a matter of not having done the work, or not having understood the material.  I am a huge geek.  I love doing research.  I'm the kid who was stoked the first time we ever got a homework assignment in elementary school. I'm ridiculously competitive, even if it is only me against a test.  If there is a score or competition involved?  I'm going to do my level best to kick ass.

I clearly remember having to do a presentation, about Super Bowl ads of all things, in an advertising class in college.  Of course I had done all of the research, watched the game, took notes on the ads while watching the game.  Drove my roommates insane making them listen to my presentation over and over so it was the right length.  I gave myself pep talks: class is at 8 am and half the class is going to be asleep or hungover.  No one wants to be there that early, let alone paying attention to a presentation.  Don't actually look at anyone, just stare at the wall over their heads or the note cards.  My hands were shaking so bad the entire time I was worried about dropping my note cards.  By the end of what was really a short presentation, I was tipping my head back slightly as I spoke because I could feel my throat closing up and was desperately trying to just force out the words.  Give me a term paper any day rather than a presentation.

Then there was the presentation I had to do on renewable energy in another class.  I remember begging one of the smartest guys in the class (his name was Ben) to please, for the love of all that is holy, do not ask me any questions afterward.  Of course he didn't listen and had to ask a bunch of questions.  It was my own personal hell, and I just wanted to crawl under a rock.

As I said, I've gotten a lot better over the years.  I credit a lot of that to my sorority sisters in college. WHAT?! Yes, I was in a sorority -- I was actually the President for a year.  Shocker!  Once I'm comfortable around you, you can't shut me up.  I have no problem putting myself out there in a leadership role, either.  I'm just a ball of contradictions!  The first time I had to run a meeting I was terrified.  I was worried about messing up, or disappointing them somehow. And then I managed to just relax, because while there were a lot of people staring at me, it was going to be okay. These were my friends, and even if I messed up they weren't going to hold it against me.  That experience alone helped so much I can't even explain.

My job has also helped tremendously.  When I first started working at the library it was terrifying.  I felt like all of the patrons were staring at me when I was working on the circulation desk.  And I had to talk to strangers all. day. long.  Those first few months were exhausting.  Now I am used to talking to strangers all of the time, listening to their stories, being screamed at and called a bitch because I won't waive their fines.  Every day is an adventure when you deal with the public.

But back to my point, Friends.

It's a personal preference, comfort thing for me.  I'm never going to be the person who wants to claim the spotlight, who wants all the attention focused on them.  I mean...yeah, it would be pretty sweet, not gonna lie, but then people would probably expect me to say or do something in that spotlight, and I would freeze up like a deer in headlights.  There are people who are seemingly meant to do that: they are mesmerizing, charming, and just kind of draw people to them.  Doesn't matter what they are doing -- they might be famous, or they might just be the center of their group of friends.  They have that inner sparkly thing that draws attention to them and they are happy to bask in it.  I prefer a quieter, subtler kind of attention.

Having said all of that, Friends, I hope I don't sound like a narcissistic asshole.  I do try not to be an asshole.  I hope that whatever I've shared here has never come off as being holier than thou, or that my opinion is the right one and everyone else is wrong.  I'd consider that a pretty asshole move.

A special note to my Friends here that I don't actually know:

Hi there.  If we ever should meet up -- you know, in real life -- just don't assemble in a large group. I think we've established that I don't deal well with those situations. Otherwise we should be cool.

**Unless you are someone I am attracted to and/or admire.  Then that shit is out the window and I am probably going to be a hot mess.  Fair warning.**

It's Too Nice Out to Stay Indoors

Hey there, Friends.

First, I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving (or an excellent Thursday if you weren't celebrating). Mine was very nice, thanks for asking.  I also scored leftovers from dinner at my parents' house which is awesome because that means I don't have to cook for a few days.  It's like mini-Thanksgiving all over again!

Did you go out into the swarm and battle through shopping on Black Friday, Friends?  I sure as hell did not. I can think of nothing that anyone needs -- including myself -- that would make it worth it to get involved in that nightmare.  In fact, I decided to do pretty much the opposite.

As I've mentioned before, I have set myself the goal of trying to visit all of Scenic Hudson's parks. I haven't gotten through very many of them yet.  It's a work in progress. I didn't have to work today, and it was pretty nice out for the end of November.  It was overcast outside, but it wasn't raining, so I decided it was time to go out on an adventure and explore another park.  I didn't want to go too far since the weather was looking a bit iffy.

I settled on Illinois Mountain since it was just across the river.  If it's not raining here, then it shouldn't be raining there.  I wish I had a deeper or more profound reason for my choice, but that's it.

Backtracking a bit here....

I went out on a hike this past weekend.  My mother implored me to stick to going to the Walkway Over the Hudson or the rail trail system.  Why?  Apparently it was the first day of deer hunting season, and people would be "trigger happy and shoot at anything that moves".  This was over breakfast, when we met at a local diner. This will be relevant later, promise.

Back to today.

I'm proud to say that I found the place with no problems, and Google Maps did not screw with me today and take me to some unused, long-closed park entrance.  (Google Maps and I have had some issues.)

It was so peaceful.  I think I saw four other people the entire time I was there.  I hadn't realized how much I really needed to just get away, get outdoors and unplug from the world for a little while. It's so relaxing and grounding to be out in the woods -- listening to the crows and geese call as they fly overhead, watching the chipmunks and squirrels scurry by, listening to the crunch of the leaves under your feet.  Hiking might not be everyone's idea of relaxing, but it works for me.

I took some pictures for you, Friends!  Want to see them?  Fantastic.  We're doing it anyway, so scroll on past the pictures if you want to read on.

Here we go

Pretty lake in the park

The vines are shaped like a heart!

Poor tree has some issues

Not sure what is going on with this tree.  Looks like someone had built something on it at one point.

Someone built this on the side of the trail

Moss was about the only sign of green 

Figured out where the geese were headed

So, I got through the Red trail and the White trail.  I had just gotten to the head for the Blue trail when the sky started to get noticeably darker.  Well.....shit.  I'm all for going out and exploring in iffy weather, but I'm not totally stupid.  Starting another trail going even farther away from my car when it looks like it might start pouring at any minute?  Not a good plan.  I turned around and headed back the way I came.  At least if the heavens opened up there was that little shelter that someone had built next to the trail.  Might come in handy.

As I was walking back I had the idea that it would be fun to shoot a video of hiking through the woods.  It would be like you were with me, Friends!  In what I considered to be a stroke of brilliance, I decided to do it using Hyperlapse, so it would be fast hiking.  No point in boring you to tears with a long video, the soundtrack of which would be me crunching leaves underfoot, squashing through mud, and breathing loudly.  Nobody needs to hear that. It might have come out like crap, I really didn't care. I'd look at it when I got back home.  If it worked, cool.  If not?  So be it.

And that's when I heard it.  At first I wasn't sure what it was exactly, but it was loud.  After it happened a few more times I realized it was gun shots. Fuck.  I totally forgot about hunting season!

This was a bit troubling, Friends. I realized I still had a good mile or so to get back to the park proper and out of the woods.

--I can't tell where these shots are coming from.  I think they are from a good distance behind me somewhere, but the sound kind of echoes and bounces around, so I'm not confident about that.

--I hope this is someone who knows what they are doing and realizes that a deer wouldn't be prancing about in a public park wearing a red fleece.  I know I have dark hair, but I look nothing like a fucking deer, so please don't accidentally shoot me.

--WTF is a hunter doing in a Scenic Hudson park anyway?  I thought that was against the rules.  I wonder if I have service to pull up the website and check.

PLEASE NOTE: seasonal hunting is permitted on Town of Lloyd property—wear bright-colored clothing during hunting seasons.

Okay, I obviously glossed over that part when reading earlier.  I have no idea where the property boundaries are.  Hopefully not too damn close.

I have no choice but to keep going since I need to get back to my car.  This is suddenly far less peaceful and relaxing than it was on the hike in.  The sky is still getting darker, and now there are gun shots in the distance.  To add to the mood, the woods have gone utterly silent.  No more birds calling as they fly overhead, no sign of chipmunks or squirrels running about.  It's like everything went into hiding.

Friends, have I ever told you about the nickname a friend of mine has given me?  I don't think I have, but it's pretty relevant here.  She lovingly refers to me at times as Apocalyptic Annie. It's pretty fitting, honestly.  You see, I have a tendency to look at situations that seem potentially dangerous and immediately start assessing how it could all go horribly wrong.  Like my own version of The Gashlycrumb Tinies. Partially it's because I have a slightly warped sense of humor, and the scenarios get more imaginative and far-flung as I go along.  The other part?  If something horrible is about to happen it would be nice to have some sort of plan in place on how to handle it, no matter how half-assed it may be.  It's good to be prepared, damn it!  I know that it is ridiculous, and I realize that 99% of the time not a damn thing is actually going to go wrong.  My brain just goes there. It's like, "If x should happen, then I will do y," and then I just carry on doing whatever it is I am doing anyway. Let's not get all deep and psychological about it, Friends.

Now that you've had a little stroll around the inner workings of my mind, let's get back to the story. So I'm in the woods, all alone, and apparently someone is hunting relatively nearby.  You so know that Apocalyptic Annie mode kicked in.  My brain decides on two things:

1) Go faster. Get the hell out of here and back to the car quickly, and preferably without being shot.
2) Keep shooting video.

Yeah.  That was my brain's fabulous idea on how to handle the situation.  Haul ass? Obvious. Shoot video?

You see, my theory was that if the worst should happen and a hunter did shoot me on accident, there would be video evidence. Like my own little screwed up version of The Blair Witch Project, except I wasn't going to shoot video of my face all up in the camera.

Oh yeah, I totally did it.

Nothing happened, which should be clear since I am sitting here in my home writing this.  Maybe I shouldn't even admit to having done it, but whatever.  Think of it as a new little personality quirk of mine you get to discover.  At least maybe you'll find it a bit amusing.

What did we learn today, Friends?

--Don't go galavanting about in the woods during hunting season.
--Listen to your Mother when she warns you about said hunting season.
--Maybe remember to tell someone where you are going before going off into the woods during hunting season.
--My brain will come up with the most ridiculous and half-assed ideas.

I think that about covers it all.

You're Calling From Where?

Hey, Friends.

Did you ever stop to appreciate what a thing of beauty Caller ID really is?  It has it's flaws, of course, but it really is helpful.

I was going back through my messages and call logs, deleting the junk I don't need, and I noticed one number had called a few times, but they never left a message. Okay, not terribly strange, but the name that came up on Caller ID is what got my attention.

Waxahachie, Texas.

What?  That's a mouthful.  And I say that with nothing but love, Waxahachie.  This is coming from someone who lives in Poughkeepsie -- I know what it's like to live in a place with a name that gives people pronunciation problems.

Had I been to Waxahachie and didn't even know it?  I was just in Texas visiting my brother and his family.  Maybe it was some place nearby that I hadn't noticed? Maybe it was a business in the area that was trying to contact me, not realizing I live in New York?  I know most of the names around where I was -- Padre Island, Corpus Christi, Port Aransas, Robstown, Rockport.  I don't remember seeing Waxahachie, but it was possible.

So I Googled it, as now I was curious as to where this place actually was located.

Waxahachie is nowhere near where I had been.  Turns out it's closer to Dallas.  I didn't even fly through Dallas on this trip.

The mystery deepens.

As mentioned, I do have family and friends who live in Texas.  South Texas and Houston -- calls from those parts of the state wouldn't really surprise me.

So Dear Mystery Caller From Waxahachie:

Please leave a message next time.  I'm assuming you aren't a business, or you would already have left a message.  Maybe you are mindless phone spam, or a survey.  Maybe you are someone trying to contact a friend or relative, and you have the wrong number.  The world may never know.

I'm curious now.  Please leave a message next time.  Humor me.

xoxo,
Me

About That Election...

Hey, Friends.

It's been a while.  I took a little vacation, went to Texas to visit my brother and his family.  It was lovely, thanks for asking.  I made sure that I was back in time to vote.

My first choice of candidate was Bernie Sanders.  After he lost in the primaries, my choices were the same as everyone else in the country.

To be clear: you have the right to vote however you want, to have your voice heard.  Just because I don't agree with your opinion does not mean that I don't respect you or your right to exercise that vote as you see fit.

I chose to vote for Clinton.

When I went to bed on Tuesday night (technically Wednesday morning) there were still states that were "too close to call".  I went to bed hopeful, yet worried, about what result I was going to see when I woke up the next morning.

To say that I was bummed out to see that Trump had been elected would be an understatement.  This man who had said so many hateful things during the election, who had some of my friends terrified about what it would mean for them if he got elected, was our new President.  A man who now had to stand trial for fraud and (until very recently) rape charges was now going to represent me and my country.

I was not in a happy place.  I'm still not.

I'm not saying that it is necessarily the healthiest way of functioning, but I tend to have a very "Suck it up, Buttercup" approach to things.  Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows.  Shit happens.  Bad things happen to good people. You get hurt.  People disappoint you. The world keeps turning, Friends. Life will move on whether you are ready for it or not. So take some time, deal with it as best you can, and then get on with things. Go to work, do what you have to do, and continue to fight for what you believe in.

I was at work last night, still trying to wrap my mind around how this came to be reality.  People being attacked all over the country, the hate that was being spewed, swastikas being spray painted in public parks and schools.

I'm pretty used to listening to people ramble on about things.  I've listened to lengthy conspiracy theories about who killed John F. Kennedy, about space aliens taking over the country, and how Pokemon Go is really a tracking app to keep the populace under control -- just to name a few.

Last night a man launched into a discussion on politics and the election. He was addressing all of us, but was most pointedly directing it to a coworker.  He said he didn't align himself with any particular political party, and that is what all people should do.  He believed a great part of the problem was lack of education, that if we taught the kids in high school about the Federalist Papers, made them read Alexis de Tocqueville they would better understand the institution in which they were participating.  He blamed the colleges for being "safe spaces" where students were taught that everyone could say what they want, and everyone got a shiny trophy for participating, but no one learned how to actually speak to someone whose opinion was different, about how to persuade them to come around to their opinion. He carried on at length about this topic.

He then went on to say that people shouldn't be so worked up over policy decisions -- that's all the election really was.  You vote for the policies you believe are the best, and you move on.  That there was nothing personal about it and people were getting all worked up and emotional over nothing. He very pointedly directed that to my coworker, almost begging her to say something to him in response.

And that was when I couldn't shut up any longer and let him wax poetic.

I told him that in the grand scheme of things it might be about policies, but that in this election it had gotten very personal, and that is why people are emotional.  I have friends and loved ones who are worried, anxious and scared about what their lives are going to be like under our newly elected President.  They are scared of what they now face on a daily basis.  The man who was elected just spent the past several months telling them that their very existence was wrong -- be it for their race, sex, religion, orientation, country of origin, or who they choose to love.  He made it incredibly personal by essentially blaming a large swathe of this country for being the problem, and saying he could "Make America Great Again" at their expense.  I spent an hour and a half earlier this week listening to some gentlemen with disabilities worry about what they were going to do if the programs they rely on had all of the funding cut.  People are emotional because they are already seeing the attacks and hatred being put into action.  The fear is very real for a lot of people.  Women already had a tough road when it came to how sexual assault was perceived in this country.  A man has now been elected that seems to think it is perfectly okay to do whatever you want to a woman.  How the hell is that supposed to make any of us feel safe?

He said that he could understand that point of view, but that people were over emotional.  Everything would calm down and people would move on. He didn't want to travel the country and have people fear him because he was a white man.

And then he left, still in a good mood and firmly believing that it was all just angst and over-emotion, and people just needed time to calm down.

For someone who wants discourse and discussion taught in colleges, he did a really good job of listening without giving any credence whatsoever to the other point of view.  He was right, and everyone else just had to stop being so darn emotional.

I believe in human decency, respect, equality, and dignity.  That EVERYONE has the same rights and should be able to exercise them, to live their lives in peace and without fear.  We have always had work to do on this front, and now we have even more.  This election seems to have given parts of our population the idea that they can say and do whatever hateful things they want.  I truly hope that it is a much smaller part of us than it seems.

To that end, I want to share an article that I saw online earlier.  It might not be much, but it can't hurt to try.

People Are Wearing Safety Pins As A Show Of Solidarity

I realize I may piss off a lot of people with this post.  I know a lot of people are going to disagree with my opinion, or think that I am over emotional about it.  You are welcome to do so.  I've seen so many people say that the election is over, to accept it and move on, and work on trying to understand the other part of the country.  Both sides need to do so.