Please Read Me, James Maslow

(Hey, Friends.  This post is really only meant for one person, which is why I didn't post the link any of the usual spots.  If you still managed to find your way here, then I admire and thank you for your dedication.  Buy yourself a prize -- something nice.  You can totally still read this if you want.  Hell, I'm not even sure the person it is directed to will actually read it, so if you do read it then at least it will be seen.  We good?  Fabulous.)

Dear James and/or his people,

Hi there.  You're a busy guy and I don't want to waste your time, so let me give you the tl;dr version first.

I backed you on Patreon recently.  Yay!  I love your music, love the videos and am happy to support them.  It's a win-win situation.  I noticed that it says I get a Twitter follow out of it.  Totally wasn't expecting that...and then I noticed that nowhere on there does it ask for my Twitter handle.  How in the world are you supposed to find me then?  It's @tammyshampoo  (long story that we don't have time for.  Trust me.)

So give me a follow when you have a chance.  I realize that this is just a kind gesture.  You don't have time to sit around reading my inane tweets that would most likely be of zero interest to you. Think of it as a random act of kindness that will warm the cockles of my heart when it happens.

Have a great day!

Tammy

Okay, so that's all you really have to read.  Now, if you have time to kill....say, you're sitting in an airport, waiting for a plane with all of its parts functional....allow me to try and explain how I got to the point of writing this post.

Like I said, backed you on Patreon, surprised that I would get a Twitter follow for it.  I should probably also mention that I was doing this through the app on my phone.  I didn't realize until very recently (like 15 minutes ago) how important that fact would be.

I go on with my life, not thinking about it at all. A couple days later, at like 11:30 at night, the thought crosses my mind that I don't think it actually asked me for my Twitter handle on Patreon anywhere. Huh.  Maybe I filled it in and I just don't remember.  So I pull up the app and dig all through that thing. Nowhere on the profile does it ask for that information.

How the hell is this supposed to work then?  You're a very talented guy, but I'm guessing that psychic abilities are not included in the mix.  I could be wrong, but I feel pretty confident in that assumption.

Can you Google someone's email address and find their Twitter account?  Apparently not, at least not in my case.  It might work for someone with a much bigger following, but I wasn't even a blip on the radar.  Googling my name and twitter brought up way more results than I ever would have expected, and it still would not help you to figure out which of those accounts was actually mine.  

Google, you disappoint me.  Moving on.

Back to the Patreon app. Shouldn't there be a way to send you a message on there?  I've got to be overlooking some pretty obvious shit.  I am, obviously, not the greatest with social media.  This seems like a pretty basic feature that should exist.  Eventually I figure out that I could leave a comment on something you posted recently, but I don't want to go that route.  That's out there for the whole world to see.

Twitter.  Duh!  I could just go over to Twitter and send you a direct message.....

except then I realized that feature won't be available since you don't follow me, and now I'm just following poor logic around in circles back to the issue I was trying to solve to begin with.  I could just tweet to you, but then again it's out there for the entire universe to see.  I refuse to be one of those people going around begging people to follow them.  That irks me to no end.  Plus, you probably get inundated with messages 24/7 and it would just get lost in the maelstrom.

Did you ever have one of those moments where the most ridiculous shit is just stuck in your head and you kind of fixate on it?  There were so many other things I could and probably should have been doing - like sleeping since it was after midnight at this point.  There had to be a shockingly simple solution to this, and it was just going to annoy me until I got it resolved.

I wanted a subtle way of dealing with this.  The entire world did not need to know that I had backed you or that I was so clueless that I had to post my Twitter handle in a comment. So I decided that writing a blog post and then commenting with a link to it would be the best I could do.

I know.  You're probably thinking, "And writing an entire blog post about it is subtle?"  Yes.  Sort of. If I don't post a link to this on Twitter or Facebook?  There are maybe a handful of people who will actually find it, and probably very few who will bother to read it.  To my overtired brain it was an excellent idea.  I typed this whole mess up and figured I would go back and edit it later when I was more awake.  It solved the problem enough in my mind that I could get some sleep.

Which brings us to now, when I am trying to go through this thing so that it makes some sort of sense.  Only now did it occur to me that I should bring up the Patreon website on my laptop and see if it was any different from the app version.

Yes, yes it is.  Very different.

Like you can add your Twitter handle right to your freaking profile.  Spectacular.  And look over there -- a f$%king link to send you a message.  Why did I not think of going to the actual website before this?!

So I updated my profile.  And yeah, I probably should just leave it at that.  Delete this whole post, send you a little message, and be done with it.  I don't really need to have your first impression of me be that I am a fool who should be avoided at all costs kept at a safe distance in case the clueless-ness is contagious.

But I already typed this whole thing up.  It would be such a wasted effort to just delete it all. So I'm going to post it and send you the link.

Maybe you'll read it, maybe you won't.  Maybe you will be slightly amused; maybe you will ask me never to darken your digital doorstep ever again.  It could go either way.

If you actually did read this whole thing?  Thanks.  And I kind of feel like I should apologize for wasting your time....and probably for swearing so much.

Lost In Translation

Hey there, Friends.

So, I'm going to need a little help.  I'm going to describe a little scenario for you, and then I need you to help me figure out what the hell was going on.  This has been bugging me all day.  All the reasonable explanations I have come up with make no sense in this situation.

You game?  Fantastic!

Allow me to start by sharing my artistic rendering of the scene.  I made it special just for you, Friends. (If local people can figure out where this is then I will be super proud of myself!)

I didn't say it was good -- I said it was an artistic rendering.

As you can clearly see (or maybe not), this is a traffic intersection. Most important points being:

A) Guy in Truck

B) Me

You are looking at the two little rectangles in the intersection with the circles near them, not the big labels I wrote near the bottom of the page. I was trying to clarify the drawing, but that might have made it more confusing.  My bad.

The scene:

It's the middle of a sunny day. Guy in Truck and I are both stopped at red lights.  He is waiting to go straight across.  I have my blinker on and am waiting to make the left turn.  The two sides of the intersection that we are on do not get green lights at the same time.  Ever.  It just doesn't work that way.  This is also a rather lengthy light to sit through, as the main road (going North-South) gets most of the traffic and time.

There is no one behind me as I just missed getting through the light.  There is no one in the lane to my right.  There are a couple of cars next to Guy in Truck.  Oddly, is there very little traffic going up the main drag.  This is rather unusual, but it also means there is a clear view across the intersection most of the time.

Guy in Truck flashes his headlights a few times, and starts waving to me.  His side gets the green light first and he proceeds to stare at me as he drives by, not watching the road where he is driving.

Everybody on the same page, Friends?  Do we all understand the scene? Excellent. Now we are going to play a little game called....

WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?

(Title could use a little work, I admit.)

Theory 1: I Must Know This Guy

No.

If I knew this guy we wouldn't be playing this game in the first place.  Really, Friends.  That was a lame thought.  I did not recognize him, and I did not recognize his vehicle.  I didn't even vaguely recall him as a library patron from work.

Theory 2: He Is Trying To Warn Me About A Fire Truck Behind Me

Still no.

There was no one behind me.  I'm not completely oblivious to my surroundings when driving. Nothing was coming into or out of the fire station.  Also, if something where to happen there would be sirens.  Lots and lots of sirens.  At this particular intersection a blue flashing light also goes off to warn drivers of impending emergency vehicles, and my side would have immediately gotten a green light so they could exit faster.

Theory 3: He's Warning Me There Is A Police Car Ahead

Maybe?  But still pretty inapplicable.

I know people will sometimes flash their headlights at oncoming traffic as a warning that police are shooting radar ahead.  I had a pretty clear view of the intersection, and there were no police cars in sight.  Also, I was not heading in the direction he was coming from.  I had my turn signal on, so it would be pointless to warn me about something in a direction I was not going to be traveling.

Theory 4: He's Trying To Tell You There Is Something Wrong With Your Car, Dumbass!

Possible, but still wrong.

I will admit this was my immediate assumption.  I thought maybe my tire was going flat or the like and he was trying to let me know.  I had no indicator about a problem on my dash, and everything was fine when I checked it out at home.  It was also the middle of a sunny day, so I did not need to have my headlights on, or my high beams for that matter, so he couldn't have been telling me to turn them down/off.  It wasn't raining, so he wasn't trying to tell me to turn them on either.  This theory proved to be wrong.

Theory 5: He's Being Carjacked And Is Trying To Signal For Help

Yeah.  We've gone to a dark place on this one, Friends. 

I freaking hope that was not the case.  Message obviously did not get through.  The fact that I haven't seen or heard anything about anyone being carjacked today (or lately at all) is keeping me from feeling like I maybe failed the dude in a very important way.

Theory 6: He's Trying To Flirt With You, You Clueless Wonder

Is this even a thing?  Tell me this is not a thing.  

As we have previously established, I fail at noticing when someone is flirting with me when they do it face to face.  The chance that I would ever figure it out via Interpretive Intersection Communication is zero.

Guys, if this is a thing -- don't do it. The whole staring thing just creeped me out.  I'm not advising you to follow someone in traffic and stalk them to get their number either.  Just consider it a missed moment and go on with your life.  Maybe you'll bump into each other again at some point.

Maybe other people would find the staring flattering.  It was so fixed that I find it a bit creepy.  Like I'm wondering if this dude was memorizing my license plate number in an attempt to track me down later.  

That's sounds crazy, I realize.  

Real talk: I'm like flypaper for freaks.  I don't know what it is about me that makes me so attractive to the more eccentric personalities out there, but it's true.  It happens a lot.  

For example: My admirer who stalked me at work, wrote me bad love poems on the internet, and was trying to sell his personal belongings to my coworkers.  

You want another one?  How about the guy who wrote me a note saying he'd been watching me at work for several years, and wanted to take me out.  I should look him up on Facebook under a certain name, not his "government name" (because, as it turns out, he had a criminal record).  And what was on his Facebook?  Many pictures documenting the healing process of his huge scab (cause of said injury unknown), and really bad homemade videos of him trying to rap. 

A third, just to round it out nicely?  Sure thing, Friends -- I've got tons to choose from! Let's go for a non-work related deal. How about the guy I met in the grocery store who asked me out for coffee, then spent the entire time talking about his ex-girlfriends.  And there were several -- complete with pictures of each one!  They were all blonde, and rather short. I was very obviously not his type, and the whole thing felt more like I was his therapist. Did I mention that he ordered decaf because, after we arrived, he thought that maybe he wasn't supposed to mix caffeine with his medication?  Yeah. But I did get free coffee out of it, so not a total loss.

Back to the point:  I have a bad track record with attracting the odder parts of the male population. Guy in Truck was being weird.  He might be a totally nice, normal dude -- but that was kind of creepy and my track record makes me leery.

Here's Your Time To Shine, Friends!

What the hell was Guy in Truck trying to accomplish earlier today? Let me know what you think.  I turned this over in my head a lot, as you can probably tell, and I've got nothing.  Can you come up with any other logical explanations for his behavior? 

*At the very least you could reassure me that the guy wasn't being carjacked.* 

Sunday Funday...Sort Of

Hey Friends.

So, this past Sunday I decided to take my breakfast and go down to Quiet Cove Park.  It was my own little baby version of having Sunday Funday as I still had to go to work later that day.  It's better than nothing -- no judging.

As I was the only person in the entire park, I decided to take some pictures.  It's what I do for fun, folks.  Also, consider this fair warning that this post is going to include a bunch of pictures.  If you're on a slow connection or this is going to massively drain your battery by trying to load it all -- you have been warned.

Path by the parking area.  Didn't have time to explore it.

The entrance can seem a bit creepy, but it's fine.

In the tunnel.  This is why we can't have nice things.

Nautical-theme flag...and some construction

Well, it is the Hudson River.  I wouldn't try eating anything, personally.

And that's why.  Didn't capture well, but there was a lovely film of some sort on the surface of the water.  

There is a little beach access.

Beautiful spot for breakfast, and I had it all to myself!

Walkway Over the Hudson and the Mid-Hudson Bridge to the South

View to the North, complete with train on the other side.

Somebody put in a lot of work on the graffiti on that train car to have it visible from the other side of the river.  And I kind of want that house.

An old silo, maybe?  I'm not really sure what it is.

Driftwood along the shore.

Does black & white make it look more artsy?

My breakfast buddy

There are some pretty flowers.

More flowers.

It's a nice little spot to wander around and relax before heading to work.  I don't know about you, but sometimes I just need to get out and breathe the fresh air. Clear your head and recharge before going back to the usual business of life.  Just unplug from everything and enjoy the little things.  Helps to put things in perspective.

And now that I sound like some kind of life coach, I think I'll stop my rambling.  

You'll Be Amazed What You Can Find!

Hey, Friends.

You can find amazing things left in the library.  Yeah, there are the usual suspects:  articles of clothing, more car keys than you can possibly imagine, sunglasses, umbrellas, food, phones...and that is keeping the list to the more popular, non-gross, list of items.  Those are the things that you would think that people would miss and come back to claim. It never ceases to amaze me that people never come back for this stuff.  Hell, I wouldn't be able to leave the library if I left my car key there.  It would definitely be something I missed and needed.

Sometimes, through whatever cosmic forces you want to imagine are behind it, the collection of flotsam accumulated over the course of an afternoon just needs to be documented.

Friends, this afternoon the stars aligned and it was magical.  It was as if the patrons collectively were trying to send us a message.

The message I interpreted from the artifacts collected?  PIRATE

Yeah.  I know that sounds ridiculous, but just go with it.  (And you should probably also know that I've worked the last 16 days in a row and have 5 more to go before I get a day off.  I'm not above making my own fun to get through the day at this point.)  It was so bizarre, yet kind of awesome, that I felt the need to document it in photos.

Let me break it down for you....

It was a slow afternoon in Library Land. Pretty peaceful, not a lot of problems. It was finally sunny and nice out after a week of rain, and it was Mother's Day, so most people had an elsewhere to be.

My mad theory began with a discovery by our student page.

ARTIFACT #1

He was diligently working away, shelving the new books that had been returned.  As he was working he discovered a couple of items hidden away behind the books.

Happy Hour at the library!

Two of these, both empty, tucked away behind the books.  The odd part of it isn't finding bottles hidden behind books.  Weirder shit than that gets discovered all of the time.  To be fair, kicking back a couple of drinks while hiding in the stacks is on the more tame end of behavior that happens on a fairly regular basis.  

Why hide the empties?  I could understand hiding your stash for later, but the empties?  It would be so much less conspicuous to chuck them in a trash can somewhere.  It was a little disturbing that we might be someone's new watering hole, but not unexpected in the grand scheme of things.

ARTIFACT #2

A short while later I discovered the next item left on the circulation desk.  I didn't see the bearer of such a gift, nor did I know when they deposited it.  Again -- nothing out of the norm.  Patrons are always finding things that they think are lost, or weird, or broken, and they bring them to the circulation desk.  Sometimes -- especially if it is something they think might be valuable (or dangerous) -- they will wait to tell us where they found it. Many times they just drop it and go with the assumption that we will eventually find it and deal with it.  The item I found was small, and tucked almost around the edge of the desk.  I only noticed because there was suddenly something shiny that hadn't been there earlier.

OMG it's a tiny pirate hook!

Sure, it could be just a broken clasp, or part of a broken clip.  The eye sees what it wants to see.

Plus, that's so boring.  

Use your imagination, Friends!  Don't disappoint me and take the "boring" route.

I mean, we just discovered two empty bottles of rum.  How could this be anything other than a tiny pirate hook to go with the rum?  

This was awesome!  It needed to be documented because....well...how often do you find 2 bottles of rum and a tiny pirate hook just hanging out in the library?

I thought it was appropriate

But then, Friends, as impossible as it may seem, it got even better!

ARTIFACT #3

You might be wondering how this could possibly get better.  I had already told our page that if he found seashells, or beach sand, a ship in a bottle -- anything else weird and pirate-related -- he needed to let me know ASAP.  No lie.  I had everyone on board with my antics at this point.

And then my lovely coworker pointed out artifact #3.  

There, sitting unassumingly atop a library book mark that had been left in a book when it was returned, was item number three.  It was perfect!  

We had reached The Trifecta of Pirate.  The Holy Trinity of Swashbuckler Paraphernalia.

Enjoy the new background I set on that computer, kids!

Empty rum bottles.

A tiny pirate hook.

A skull.

I think it's pretty clear what the universe was trying to tell us:  Pirates!

There obviously must be pirates around.  Or nefarious behavior of some sort. 

At the very least someone who might be inebriated, and may or may not have broken jewelry, and was forgetful when it comes to keeping track of their bookmarks.

Or maybe it is just a sign that we were bored this afternoon, and I really need a day away from Library Land.  

(But I'm sticking with the pirates.)