Saturday, May 28, 2016

Please Read Me, James Maslow

(Hey, Friends.  This post is really only meant for one person, which is why I didn't post the link any of the usual spots.  If you still managed to find your way here, then I admire and thank you for your dedication.  Buy yourself a prize -- something nice.  You can totally still read this if you want.  Hell, I'm not even sure the person it is directed to will actually read it, so if you do read it then at least it will be seen.  We good?  Fabulous.)

Dear James and/or his people,

Hi there.  You're a busy guy and I don't want to waste your time, so let me give you the tl;dr version first.

I backed you on Patreon recently.  Yay!  I love your music, love the videos and am happy to support them.  It's a win-win situation.  I noticed that it says I get a Twitter follow out of it.  Totally wasn't expecting that...and then I noticed that nowhere on there does it ask for my Twitter handle.  How in the world are you supposed to find me then?  It's @tammyshampoo  (long story that we don't have time for.  Trust me.)

So give me a follow when you have a chance.  I realize that this is just a kind gesture.  You don't have time to sit around reading my inane tweets that would most likely be of zero interest to you. Think of it as a random act of kindness that will warm the cockles of my heart when it happens.

Have a great day!


Okay, so that's all you really have to read.  Now, if you have time to kill....say, you're sitting in an airport, waiting for a plane with all of its parts functional....allow me to try and explain how I got to the point of writing this post.

Like I said, backed you on Patreon, surprised that I would get a Twitter follow for it.  I should probably also mention that I was doing this through the app on my phone.  I didn't realize until very recently (like 15 minutes ago) how important that fact would be.

I go on with my life, not thinking about it at all. A couple days later, at like 11:30 at night, the thought crosses my mind that I don't think it actually asked me for my Twitter handle on Patreon anywhere. Huh.  Maybe I filled it in and I just don't remember.  So I pull up the app and dig all through that thing. Nowhere on the profile does it ask for that information.

How the hell is this supposed to work then?  You're a very talented guy, but I'm guessing that psychic abilities are not included in the mix.  I could be wrong, but I feel pretty confident in that assumption.

Can you Google someone's email address and find their Twitter account?  Apparently not, at least not in my case.  It might work for someone with a much bigger following, but I wasn't even a blip on the radar.  Googling my name and twitter brought up way more results than I ever would have expected, and it still would not help you to figure out which of those accounts was actually mine.  

Google, you disappoint me.  Moving on.

Back to the Patreon app. Shouldn't there be a way to send you a message on there?  I've got to be overlooking some pretty obvious shit.  I am, obviously, not the greatest with social media.  This seems like a pretty basic feature that should exist.  Eventually I figure out that I could leave a comment on something you posted recently, but I don't want to go that route.  That's out there for the whole world to see.

Twitter.  Duh!  I could just go over to Twitter and send you a direct message.....

except then I realized that feature won't be available since you don't follow me, and now I'm just following poor logic around in circles back to the issue I was trying to solve to begin with.  I could just tweet to you, but then again it's out there for the entire universe to see.  I refuse to be one of those people going around begging people to follow them.  That irks me to no end.  Plus, you probably get inundated with messages 24/7 and it would just get lost in the maelstrom.

Did you ever have one of those moments where the most ridiculous shit is just stuck in your head and you kind of fixate on it?  There were so many other things I could and probably should have been doing - like sleeping since it was after midnight at this point.  There had to be a shockingly simple solution to this, and it was just going to annoy me until I got it resolved.

I wanted a subtle way of dealing with this.  The entire world did not need to know that I had backed you or that I was so clueless that I had to post my Twitter handle in a comment. So I decided that writing a blog post and then commenting with a link to it would be the best I could do.

I know.  You're probably thinking, "And writing an entire blog post about it is subtle?"  Yes.  Sort of. If I don't post a link to this on Twitter or Facebook?  There are maybe a handful of people who will actually find it, and probably very few who will bother to read it.  To my overtired brain it was an excellent idea.  I typed this whole mess up and figured I would go back and edit it later when I was more awake.  It solved the problem enough in my mind that I could get some sleep.

Which brings us to now, when I am trying to go through this thing so that it makes some sort of sense.  Only now did it occur to me that I should bring up the Patreon website on my laptop and see if it was any different from the app version.

Yes, yes it is.  Very different.

Like you can add your Twitter handle right to your freaking profile.  Spectacular.  And look over there -- a f$%king link to send you a message.  Why did I not think of going to the actual website before this?!

So I updated my profile.  And yeah, I probably should just leave it at that.  Delete this whole post, send you a little message, and be done with it.  I don't really need to have your first impression of me be that I am a fool who should be avoided at all costs kept at a safe distance in case the clueless-ness is contagious.

But I already typed this whole thing up.  It would be such a wasted effort to just delete it all. So I'm going to post it and send you the link.

Maybe you'll read it, maybe you won't.  Maybe you will be slightly amused; maybe you will ask me never to darken your digital doorstep ever again.  It could go either way.

If you actually did read this whole thing?  Thanks.  And I kind of feel like I should apologize for wasting your time....and probably for swearing so much.

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