Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Lost In Translation

Hey there, Friends.

So, I'm going to need a little help.  I'm going to describe a little scenario for you, and then I need you to help me figure out what the hell was going on.  This has been bugging me all day.  All the reasonable explanations I have come up with make no sense in this situation.

You game?  Fantastic!

Allow me to start by sharing my artistic rendering of the scene.  I made it special just for you, Friends. (If local people can figure out where this is then I will be super proud of myself!)

I didn't say it was good -- I said it was an artistic rendering.

As you can clearly see (or maybe not), this is a traffic intersection. Most important points being:

A) Guy in Truck
B) Me

You are looking at the two little rectangles in the intersection with the circles near them, not the big labels I wrote near the bottom of the page. I was trying to clarify the drawing, but that might have made it more confusing.  My bad.

The scene:

It's the middle of a sunny day. Guy in Truck and I are both stopped at red lights.  He is waiting to go straight across.  I have my blinker on and am waiting to make the left turn.  The two sides of the intersection that we are on do not get green lights at the same time.  Ever.  It just doesn't work that way.  This is also a rather lengthy light to sit through, as the main road (going North-South) gets most of the traffic and time.

There is no one behind me as I just missed getting through the light.  There is no one in the lane to my right.  There are a couple of cars next to Guy in Truck.  Oddly, is there very little traffic going up the main drag.  This is rather unusual, but it also means there is a clear view across the intersection most of the time.

Guy in Truck flashes his headlights a few times, and starts waving to me.  His side gets the green light first and he proceeds to stare at me as he drives by, not watching the road where he is driving.

Everybody on the same page, Friends?  Do we all understand the scene? Excellent. Now we are going to play a little game called....

(Title could use a little work, I admit.)

Theory 1: I Must Know This Guy


If I knew this guy we wouldn't be playing this game in the first place.  Really, Friends.  That was a lame thought.  I did not recognize him, and I did not recognize his vehicle.  I didn't even vaguely recall him as a library patron from work.

Theory 2: He Is Trying To Warn Me About A Fire Truck Behind Me

Still no.

There was no one behind me.  I'm not completely oblivious to my surroundings when driving. Nothing was coming into or out of the fire station.  Also, if something where to happen there would be sirens.  Lots and lots of sirens.  At this particular intersection a blue flashing light also goes off to warn drivers of impending emergency vehicles, and my side would have immediately gotten a green light so they could exit faster.

Theory 3: He's Warning Me There Is A Police Car Ahead

Maybe?  But still pretty inapplicable.

I know people will sometimes flash their headlights at oncoming traffic as a warning that police are shooting radar ahead.  I had a pretty clear view of the intersection, and there were no police cars in sight.  Also, I was not heading in the direction he was coming from.  I had my turn signal on, so it would be pointless to warn me about something in a direction I was not going to be traveling.

Theory 4: He's Trying To Tell You There Is Something Wrong With Your Car, Dumbass!

Possible, but still wrong.

I will admit this was my immediate assumption.  I thought maybe my tire was going flat or the like and he was trying to let me know.  I had no indicator about a problem on my dash, and everything was fine when I checked it out at home.  It was also the middle of a sunny day, so I did not need to have my headlights on, or my high beams for that matter, so he couldn't have been telling me to turn them down/off.  It wasn't raining, so he wasn't trying to tell me to turn them on either.  This theory proved to be wrong.

Theory 5: He's Being Carjacked And Is Trying To Signal For Help

Yeah.  We've gone to a dark place on this one, Friends. 

I freaking hope that was not the case.  Message obviously did not get through.  The fact that I haven't seen or heard anything about anyone being carjacked today (or lately at all) is keeping me from feeling like I maybe failed the dude in a very important way.

Theory 6: He's Trying To Flirt With You, You Clueless Wonder

Is this even a thing?  Tell me this is not a thing.  

As we have previously established, I fail at noticing when someone is flirting with me when they do it face to face.  The chance that I would ever figure it out via Interpretive Intersection Communication is zero.

Guys, if this is a thing -- don't do it. The whole staring thing just creeped me out.  I'm not advising you to follow someone in traffic and stalk them to get their number either.  Just consider it a missed moment and go on with your life.  Maybe you'll bump into each other again at some point.

Maybe other people would find the staring flattering.  It was so fixed that I find it a bit creepy.  Like I'm wondering if this dude was memorizing my license plate number in an attempt to track me down later.  

That's sounds crazy, I realize.  

Real talk: I'm like flypaper for freaks.  I don't know what it is about me that makes me so attractive to the more eccentric personalities out there, but it's true.  It happens a lot.  

For example: My admirer who stalked me at work, wrote me bad love poems on the internet, and was trying to sell his personal belongings to my coworkers.  

You want another one?  How about the guy who wrote me a note saying he'd been watching me at work for several years, and wanted to take me out.  I should look him up on Facebook under a certain name, not his "government name" (because, as it turns out, he had a criminal record).  And what was on his Facebook?  Many pictures documenting the healing process of his huge scab (cause of said injury unknown), and really bad homemade videos of him trying to rap. 

A third, just to round it out nicely?  Sure thing, Friends -- I've got tons to choose from! Let's go for a non-work related deal. How about the guy I met in the grocery store who asked me out for coffee, then spent the entire time talking about his ex-girlfriends.  And there were several -- complete with pictures of each one!  They were all blonde, and rather short. I was very obviously not his type, and the whole thing felt more like I was his therapist. Did I mention that he ordered decaf because, after we arrived, he thought that maybe he wasn't supposed to mix caffeine with his medication?  Yeah. But I did get free coffee out of it, so not a total loss.

Back to the point:  I have a bad track record with attracting the odder parts of the male population. Guy in Truck was being weird.  He might be a totally nice, normal dude -- but that was kind of creepy and my track record makes me leery.

Here's Your Time To Shine, Friends!

What the hell was Guy in Truck trying to accomplish earlier today? Let me know what you think.  I turned this over in my head a lot, as you can probably tell, and I've got nothing.  Can you come up with any other logical explanations for his behavior? 

*At the very least you could reassure me that the guy wasn't being carjacked.* 

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