It's Written in the Stars...

Hey, Friends.

So, I had a really.....odd, I guess would be the best word, interaction with a patron earlier this week. I'm going to try and recount it as best I can, but I'm not sure the level of strange-ness is really going to come across.

I'd also like to preface this with the fact that I have pretty much zero knowledge of the zodiac or astrology -- nothing beyond reading my own horoscope some times. We're talking shits-and-giggles levels of seriousness, Friends.

On with our story!

A patron came up to the desk to return her books and make sure everything was back. I had never seen this patron before, but she seemed nice.  I like to be friendly, so when I saw she had a large pile of books about Astrology I asked if she was doing a research project or the like.  Her eyes lit up, and she started telling me that it's not a research project for a paper, but her work.  This is, apparently, what she does and has been doing for over 20 years.  She said she is constantly reading and doing research on everything "in the field", and she likes to use the library first to decide if any books are essential for her to buy for her own collection.

Friends, you know how people can get really intense when they are truly jazzed about something? It's like they are so passionate about it that they are bursting with joy and just want to bring you into it with them, to share the Awesome-ness that they have found?  By asking that one question I was now apparently a passenger on the train to Astrology Town.

The next thing I know she is asking me if I know my zodiac sign.  Well I actually do know that, so I tell her that I am a Taurus.  I don't know that her reaction would have differed any no matter what sign I had said, but she acted like I had just given her the best gift ever, or the key to unlocking the mysteries of the universe or something.

"Oohhh, the Bull!  You are an interesting one!  Do you mind if we talk for a little?"

Um, okay?  What am I supposed to say to that?  I don't want to be rude, she seems really excited about this, and why not. Maybe she'll give me some deep unknown insight into myself, or at least it will be amusing to recount later.  (I'm always thinking of you, Friends!)

She told me that I'm complex, and one of the more interesting signs in that I am "fixed", and other signs kind of "crash like waves against the fixed signs".  Alright.  I was trying to understand, so I asked if that meant I was like the giant boulder of the zodiac and she just laughed.  And then she said yes.

Great.  I'm a big zodiac rock.  So far none of this is sounding like a good thing.

She continues to tell me that being a Taurus makes me one of the most attractive signs in the zodiac. Ha! Okay. I'm amused now. I can't wait to hear the explanation for that statement.

Apparently my being a giant boulder means that I am constant, dependable, loyal, steadfast and that radiates security to others -- "security in yourself and your place in the world" I believe was the phrase -- and that is a very attractive feature to both friends and lovers who crave stability and security.  It also means I can be incredibly stubborn. (I'll admit that is accurate.) She said it wasn't stubborn just to be right, but "because you honestly believe your option is the best and everyone will be better protected if they listen to your advice."  I think maybe she was sugar-coating it a bit to make it sound better, but I'll take it.

And then she asked if I had any siblings, and did I know their sign.

Yup.  I have a brother.  His birthday is on Halloween so he's a Scorpio.  That is, quite literally, all of the zodiac signs that I know where they fall in the course of the year.

Friends, thank all that is holy my brother lives far away!  She got so riled up that his birthday was on Halloween and he was a Scorpio.  Apparently he's on "the cusp between worlds" or some shit and people born from October 30th to November 3rd have extra super-cool things going on. She was bummed when I told her he didn't live locally, like I think she literally wanted me to drag him in so she could talk to him.

Being a Scorpio makes my brother a giant boulder also, it seems.  He's another "fixed" sign.  She said we were really lucky, as apparently it could be "a very volatile pairing", and we would either get along incredibly well or drive each other crazy and be at each other's throats constantly.  She also said that since we could get along with each other so well we could probably get along with just about any sign, and had "innate flexibility" in dealing with others.  Kind of seems at odds with the whole stubborn rock idea to me, but whatever.

Friends, next is the part where she got all kinds of excited and I got super awkward, cause that's how I roll.

Patron:  What's your husband's sign?
Me: I'm not married.
Patron: Well, what's your boyfriend's sign then?  I know you must have a special someone.
Me: Nope.  No boyfriend.
Patron: Oh..a girlfriend then?
Me: No, it wasn't a question of gender preference.  You were right the first time -- I like guys.  I'm just single is all.
Patron: I'm so sorry, Dear!  I didn't mean to imply anything.
Me: It's fine.  You don't need to apologize.  You didn't insult me.  People  love who they love, there's nothing wrong with that.
Patron: See, that's what I mean about being attractive to all the signs!  You should not be single!

I would be amazed if I wasn't blushing the color of a tomato when she went on her next little rant. Like a whispered rant, which I get that she was trying to be quiet in the library and have privacy, but it kind of made it even more intimate and awkward.

As a Taurus, my "ruling planet" is apparently Venus.  She said that I am "naturally sultry and sensual" and that "draws people to you like a moth to a flame".  I had to bite back a laugh at that, and she just stared at me like I was crazy and told me that it was very obvious to everyone else, even if I didn't see it myself.  She also said that Taurus is the most erotic sign in the zodiac, and "any lover you have will go weak in the knees and do anything for you", and that past lovers will never really get over you.  This was so not a conversation I wanted to be having at the circulation desk with a stranger.  I would have been happy for a sinkhole to open under my feet at that moment and suck me in.  And then she went off on a tangent about how it wasn't about the sex, although that would be exquisite, but that it was the "spiritual connection, the physical level of love and trust" and I pretty much thought I was going to die if anyone overheard this conversation. Oh!  And I also have an "inner bad girl" that makes me just that more alluring.

Then she straightened up a bit, as she had been leaning over to whisper all of this like we were plotting a conspiracy of some sort, and said that is why she couldn't believe I was single. Was I sure I didn't have a boyfriend I just wasn't telling her about?  Fantastic. Now I can add being some kind of screwed-up zodiac anomaly to my "List of Things to Ponder When Feeling Like a Lonely Loser".

I just wanted out of this conversation at that point, and confirmed that I did not have a secret boyfriend.  She shook her head and said she didn't understand what was wrong with the men.  That maybe they were intimidated.  I know I gave her a look at that one, as intimidating is about the last thing I would consider myself.  She wasn't done though.  "No, you're very striking.  Obviously intelligent and open, confident but humble.  You're sex appeal is just a bonus from the stars.  I can easily see why men would be intimidated by you.  But that's okay -- you don't want anyone who is that restless anyways," and then she patted my hand like she was comforting me and letting me in on a secret.

I thought we were finally, blessedly, done at that point...but no.

She announced, with way more excitement than necessary, that I needed a Virgo.

What the hell does that mean?

Patron:  A Virgo!  Do you know any?
Me: Uh....maybe?  I don't know.  Is that someone whose birthday is in March?
Patron: *laughing like I just told her the funniest joke in the world* No, Dear!  Not March.  You need to do a little research on the zodiac.  A Virgo would be absolutely perfect for you.
Me: Okay?
Patron: Any Earth or Water sign really...

I was lost at that point, and it must have shown.  And she was staring -- like she was doing some sort of inspection and deep contemplation on me.  It was a little unsettling, no lie.

Patron:  Virgo would be the best, definitely.  There are other top contenders: Scorpio, Cancer, Pisces, Capricorn...maybe even another Taurus, but that could be a fiery disaster as well.
Me: Okay?  That's good to know, I guess.
Patron: Just think about it.  It's written in the stars!  It's not all just a bunch of hokum, you know.
Me:  I'm sure it's not.

Then she slapped the desk and turned to leave, telling me to keep a look out for a Virgo....and she would as well.

Just...how is this my life?  Seriously.  I should never have asked her about the damn books.

Being the geek that I am, I did actually look stuff up when I got home -- mainly to see if this woman was just completely off her rocker.  Thanks to Google and several websites, it seems like she really did know what she was talking about as it relates to astrology....well, she seemed to agree with what the websites were saying at any rate.  At least I know my new astrological acquaintance seems to be competent and wasn't just making stuff up -- she really believes in it.  It is not, however, going to be the basis on which I decide who to date.  I know there are people who believe there is a mystical truth to be interpreted from the stars and all, but I'm not in that group. I'm going to stick with getting to know a person and go from there. Worrying about potential zodiac compatibility is not on the list of priorities, sorry.

And now I feel the need to apologize to all the Virgos out there.

Your birthday isn't in March.  I know that now.  Your birthday would be in August or September. My bad.  I don't know any of this stuff, and I don't know why I randomly assumed it was in March.

And I would most especially like to apologize to all the Virgo men in the area. Honestly, I'm a little worried that this lady is now out there on the loose trying to play zodiac matchmaker on my behalf.

I'm really, really hoping she is not doing that.

At Least It Worked For a While

Hey, Friends.

So, I thought I had come up with a rather brilliant plan on how to deal with having to go to the grocery store.  The plan was to avoid it as much as possible by doing one big trip, and then only going when I absolutely had to get something.  Quick trips in, fast check-out, and less stuff to have to drag into the house and put away.  Simple.  Easy.  A Thing of Beauty.

It worked really well -- for about a month.  The majority of the time I really only had to go to get cat food.  Aside from being spoiled brats, Jazz-kitty and Wiz also turn into ravenous monsters as soon as it gets cold outside.  So they messed up the plan a bit, but I love them so it's okay.

I don't normally make a list when I go to the grocery store.  Please spare me the lecture on why it is always a good idea to make a list.  I'm pretty sure I've heard every variation at some point.  I just try to remember what I need when I am in the store.  It works pretty well, for the most part.

Today, I think I am going to have to make a list.  My brilliant plan of only getting what I needed immediately, coupled with my non-list-making habit, has finally hit the point of no return and come back to bite me in the ass.  Also, the first big snow storm of the winter is supposed to hit this weekend, so the place is going to be an insane asylum.  I don't know about where you live, Friends, but people around here freak the hell out and start acting like they are buying supplies for the apocalypse every time there is snow in the forecast.  (Just buy Pop-Tarts.  They are delicious hot or cold, so they will be edible whether you have power or not.)

Last night found me scrounging through the kitchen, searching for something that I could make for dinner.  It was a long search as I couldn't really settle on anything I wanted and that I had all the necessary ingredients to make.  It was also cold out, and I was not venturing out there again just to get one or two things.  Screw that.  I had to have something that would work.  I'll deal with the grocery situation later.

Soup, Friends.  I wound up with soup.  Campbell's Organic Chicken Noodle, for those dying of curiosity.  And bless the good people at Campbell's for making soup that requires nothing beyond heating and eating.

That's not to say that I didn't have any food in the house.  I had lots of parts of things, just not all the parts for any one particular thing.

Cereal?  No milk.  Well, I have coffee creamer if you want to get technical. Peppermint Mocha on granola, however, is not a taste experience that I want to have.

Salad?  Dressing yes, but  no salad.  Not even freaking carrots to dip in it.

Tomato sauce.  No pasta.  Nada.

During my unplanned kitchen inventory I realized I didn't have a lot of other things. Basic things. Things you need more than you realize.  Things you really need to make other things.  Yummy things.  Things that aren't soup.

And even then, even then, I seriously considered holding off on going to the store for another day or so.  Yeah, the stores would get crazier the closer it got to the potential snow storm, but how bad could it be?  I had more soup.  I could eat granola dry -- it's like trail mix, right?

Do you know what made me decide I was going to have to break down and do a big trip to the grocery store today?  The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back?

Coffee.  Coffee was my Achilles' heel, Friends.

I was out of coffee.  I had enough for this morning, but no more.

Lack of food beyond soup?  Pssh.  I can deal with that.  Lack of coffee?  Oh hell no.  Coffee is my happy place.  This should surprise no one.  People bribe me with coffee.  They give it to me as the most awesome gifts ever.  I've gone on coffee dates (although they haven't gone so well, but I don't blame the coffee for that.)  I wrote a love letter to my coffee pot when I was afraid it had died on me.

So I'm going to suck it up and make a big trip to the store because: coffee.

I even started to make a list, Friends.  Look at me, being a functional adult!  This is what I have so far.

I think that covers it.

Apparently I Am a Slow Learner

Hey, Friends.

You know how you are supposed to learn from your mistakes?  Or the ever popular saying, "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it."?  It's a very good point and a good lesson. Screw up really badly once, and you probably won't do it again.  Look at how horrible some things in our collective human history have been and make sure that you do your part to keep it from happening again.

Apparently I am a very slow learner when it comes to one thing, because I keep making the same mistake over and over again.  I'm not talking about something hugely important in the grand scheme of things -- more like a highly annoying lapse in common sense.

I'm talking about the weather, Friends. I seem to have a blind spot when it comes to taking the weather into account beyond a brief passing thought.

Call it a flaw, or a habit....maybe a personality quirk would be the nicest way of phrasing it.  I get it in my head that I want to do something, and then I just do it.  I don't stop to put a lot of planning into it. I like to consider it being impulsive, determined, or goal-oriented.  Stubborn or stupid could also be applicable, depending on the circumstances.

Let me give you a recent example that demonstrates what I mean.

Always check the weather, kids. This was a bad choice to wear on a hike when it's 90. #summer #poorplanning pic.twitter.com/caWtKNghlk

— Tammy Myers (@tammyshampoo) September 7, 2015

Yeah.  Going on a hike when it's humid as hell and 90 degrees outside isn't the brightest move in the first place.  Deciding to wear black?  That was just incredibly stupid on my part.  My great decision making process: looking out the window of my house, deciding it was too nice to stay indoors, and heading out.  I didn't bother to check the weather or the temperature before I left.  The window says it looks lovely.

I was so dehydrated after that, folks.  I swore to myself that I was never going to be that dumb again. It takes all of about 30 seconds to check the weather forecast. From now on I was going to slow my roll long enough to take that into account.

And it worked, for a little while.

Then there was the time I had the day off and decided to go hike over in Minneswaska.  The park was beautiful, as always.  And I only got rained on a little bit.  Yeah.  I knew the skies were overcast here when I was leaving, but I went anyway without checking the weather.  Why?  Because I wanted to and it probably wouldn't rain....at least not too hard.  (In my own defense, the sun did come out for a little while.  And I was not the only person silly enough to be out hiking at that time.)

Which brings us to today, Friends.  Third time in less than 6 months I did the same. damn. thing.

When I say I am a slow learner at this particular lesson, Friends, I mean I am sloooooooooow.  This was yesterday.  Yesterday!

Going for walk seems like a great idea until you are out there for a bit & realize how cold 32 starts to feel.

— Tammy Myers (@tammyshampoo) January 17, 2016

What the hell is wrong with me that I could not get it in my head to check the weather before going outside again today?

I have the day off.  I looked out the window, decided it looked nice and sunny, and thought it would be a good day to go and wander around a bit, take some pictures.  I vaguely remembered that it felt colder than anticipated yesterday, so I made sure to bring some gloves this time.  It is winter, after all. Did I stop to check the temperature before I left?  Of course not!

Friends, I would not blame you in the slightest for thinking that I am a complete moron at this point, or a gigantic airhead.  I would agree with you at the moment.  I'm beginning to think I have some sort of serious mental block when it comes to checking the weather.

I got to my destination and realized it was a bit chillier than I had assumed.  Then came the wind. Holy shit!  This was going to be the briefest of excursions because I had not realized how windy it was outside.

Do you know what the temperature was, Friends?  Of course you don't. -- and why would you.  I do now, because I finally decided to check the weather app on my phone when I was done and got back in the car:  26 degrees, "feels like" 11.  Eleven fucking degrees, and I'm out frolicking about, taking pictures and thinking that I really should have dressed warmer.

I'm hoping maybe the lesson has been learned and has sunk in this time.  I'm going to share the pictures I took today so that my little bout of insanity feels like it had a point.  You can look at them while I sit here drinking coffee and attempting to thaw myself out.  Or not.  It's a free world -- you can do as you like.

Either way, have a nice day folks.  And remember to check the weather before you go outside. Maybe at least one of us will learn a lesson from all of this.

Morgan Lake is starting to get icy.

Geese, who apparently think nothing of hanging out in frigid water.  Maybe they are doing their own Goose Polar Bear Plunge.

Not you too, swan!  You all need to head to warmer climes.  You're making me worry that you will freeze to death!

For real, guys.  The ice is starting to encircle you.  That can't be a good thing.

Painting and Drinking = Fun

Hey, Friends.

For those not in the know, there are businesses out there where you get instructed on how to paint a picture while you drink.  It's awesome because you pay to attend and they give you the supplies and some guidance -- you don't have to go spend a ton of money buying huge amounts of art supplies to try your hand at painting.  And there is alcohol.  My brother and sister-in-law had gone several times down in Texas, and I'd get bummed because there was nowhere around here to do it.  Now, however, there are at least 3 different places that I have been able to attend an event.

If you've never been, you should try it!  I love doing these things, and now have my own small art collection of dubious quality. (That would be due to my skill level and/or the amount of alcohol consumed.  I'm not making any kind of a comment on the instructors I've had -- they have all been lovely.)

As I have been to a few of these shindigs, I can tell you that they are all pretty similar.  I can also tell who has never done anything like it before and is way too serious and nervous about it.  No one is getting graded, folks.  It's just for fun!  To that end, I thought I would share some tips and observations that might be useful to someone considering going for the first time.  And it may not be helpful at all. Honestly, I'll probably never know unless someone freaks out on me and tells me I'm full of crap.

What to Wear

Not as easy as it may seem.  You're not going to a friend's house to help paint a room in raggedy clothes because you are going to be making a mess and probably drinking (and eating pizza, the bribe food of choice for friends who want you to help them paint, move, etc.).  You are actually going to be out in public with other human beings.

You need to look nice and presentable, yet don't wear anything you value too highly.  There is still alcohol and paint involved, which can make things interesting.  Even if you have the utmost confidence in your own coordination abilities, you will be in pretty close quarters with a lot of other people. There is no guarantee you won't end up sitting next to someone who is a total klutz and will have paint flying everywhere, or decide that it would be a good idea to get totally hammered and feel really creative, or is just a lightweight who will be drunk from one glass of wine.  I'm not saying an accident will happen and your clothes will be ruined -- you do get a protective apron to wear -- but I haven't been to one yet where everyone came out unscathed and all the paint stayed on the canvas. You have money to burn and want to buy a fancy new outfit for it?  Be my guest.  You've been warned.

Also, I have not been to one where someone wasn't taking pictures.  Even if you and your friends aren't the camera-happy members of the group, there will be pictures at some point.  Someone will be taking selfies, or taking pictures of their friends while they are painting.  At the very least the person running the class will take pictures at the end.  This is their business, after all, and they want to document and share its success. You might very well end up on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter proudly displaying your masterpiece.

Painting

The whole point is to have fun!  You do not have to be a trained artist to do this.  You do not need to create an exact replica of the demo that is displayed.  You do not need to do it exactly as the instructor is as he or she walks you through it step by step.  The beauty is in the creativity!  You are taking a concept and putting your own spin on it.  Don't flip a shit and stress out because it doesn't look "perfect".  This is art: it's creative and messy and not perfect.  Whatever you do is going to be delightful and very much your own.  Have a drink and chill out.

Experience

Friends, you might be wondering why I am all sorts of hyped about these things.  I just went to one this afternoon with my BFF, and we had a good time.  I think other people would like it to, some I'm sharing.

The event we went to this afternoon was for a picture called "Whimsical Tree".  It was a cool picture, and it was also a socially-acceptable excuse for day-drinking.

Yeah, we didn't paint this.  This is the demo picture from the advertisement.

We arrived, got our alcohol (priorities, people!), and got our seats.  We've both done these things before, so we know the drill: get there early to get seats together, where you can see the instructor, and beat the line at the bar.  

I'm ready to go, and the chocolate stout is delicious.

You always start by doing the background.  Yes, I realize that is stating the obvious.  The instructor gives you the general steps for the shading and blending, but it is really pretty free-form.  You can vary the colors, the placement -- whatever floats your boat.  My brother told me he always sneaks in a UFO somewhere in his pictures. This is also when you can look around and see who is taking direction way too literally.  Trust me -- there will be people who freak because their picture does not look exactly like the demo or the instructor's version.  They will get all frowny-faced.  There will also be people scoping out what the person sitting next to them is doing, and trying to copy it rather than doing their own thing.  (I had a copier sitting on one side of me today, and it wasn't my BFF.)  

I'm good at doing the backgrounds.  It's when you go to put the big, dramatic foreground elements on that things can go horribly wrong.  That is why I usually take a picture of the background when it is done.  I can at least cherish the moment it looked really good before I potentially screw it all up.

Yeah, I really like green.  I used a lot of it. Bonus points for not looking like a lot of the others....well, except for the chick next to me who was trying to copy.

The next step is the panic-inducing moment where you have to take black paint to your beloved background.  It can all go to hell in a hand basket as soon as the brush meets the canvas.  Work with what you've got is my only advice.  Got a shaky hand and can't do straight lines?  Don't paint them. Make a mistake by dribbling or smearing?  Work it into the design and/or paint over it.  There is no eraser.  Often they will tell you to embellish away -- the more the better.  You really need to determine for yourself when enough is enough.  There is such a thing as overkill, but is it awesome to see how differently people decide where the "too much" line falls.

My favorite part is the end when you can see what everyone else has created.  I love that every person in the room was given the same instructions, the same materials, and they all come out so wildly different.  Each one has it's own scale, color scheme, and design elements.  So many different variations on the same concept.  

My tree is on the left, my BFF's is on the right.  Disregard the fry holder.  We were drinking and needed food.  No judging.

I just find it fascinating, Friends.  Her background reminds me of Van Gogh for some reason, and my tree looks like it would be happy in The Nightmare Before Christmas, or anything Tim Burton, really. Neither one looks much like the demo version, and I think that is the best part.  

The whole thing took about two and a half hours.  When we left there were still people painting away.  Some of those people also seemed to be more than a little tipsy, so they might have been moving at a slower pace.  It was a great way to spend the afternoon, and I think it would be fun for everyone to try at least once.

And because I am kind of in love with my little tree painting at the moment, here is another picture of it.

I <3 you, tree!

Whether you ever do one of these things or not is up to you, Friends,  but I urge you to do something creative. Write a poem.  Draw a picture. Compose a song.  Make a quilt. Sculpt a vase.  Anything.  Let your imagination wander.  You don't even have to share it with anybody -- just do it for yourself.  Don't become one of those people who are afraid that everything they do is somehow wrong, or not "perfect" enough.  

And now I will leave you with some Bob Ross.  Maybe it is because we were painting a tree, but all I kept thinking about was Bob Ross and his "happy little trees".

You Want Me to Be a What?

**Warning: This is going to take a while, folks.  This whole concept really took some contemplation, and pushed a few of my buttons. Kick back and get yourself your beverage of choice, and snuggle in for a bit of reading time.**

Hey, Friends.

So, a while back I got an email from someone asking me if I wanted to be an "Influencer".  If you're like me, your initial response is, "You want me to be a what?"  I mean, obviously, it would be someone who influences people somehow, but that was the first time I had encountered the term. (Is Influencer even a real word?  I'm not sure that it is.)  It sounds kind of sinister -- like a mob position or something.

I had so many questions.

• What the hell is an Influencer?
• When did this become a thing? Are there really that many people out there relying on the opinion of strangers on the internet for guidance in their lives?
• How did you even find me to ask?
• Why in the world would anyone think I had any kind of influence to begin with? I am, if we are being extremely generous, a teeny little blip in the existence of the internet.

So I did a little research, and found an interesting article.  It would appear that Influencers can be bloggers, and they write and review "things" to make people like "things" more. I highly doubt anyone would be reaching out to bloggers to review their product in a negative way.  I'm also guessing there is some sort of compensation scheme involved.

Would I like to make money off of my little blog here, Friends?  Yes.  That would be pretty sweet, and I do like money.  And that is where we come to the first bump in the road.

I hate, abhor, detest (fill in your negative association here) trying to read something on the internet and having 90 million ads blocking the actual content that you want to see. I don't care if it is a news article, a blog post, some click-bait bullshit thing that tempts you -- it annoys the crap out of me when there is more ad clutter on the screen than actual content that you wanted to read in the first place. Don't even get me started on those auto-play video ads.  That's why there aren't any ads here (or there better not be, at any rate.)  Blogger is more than happy to tell me how to monetize my blog with Google, but I choose not to.  I'm also not going to start a Kickstarter, or Go Fund Me, or otherwise beg for money for something I would be doing anyway.  There are people and causes that need it more.  You have money you want to burn? Donate it to a charity, give it to the homeless person on the street, send an anonymous donation to your local animal shelter.  

The idea of an Influencer kind of feels like you would be a bit dishonest and selling your soul to make money.  You write about this super-awesome "thing", and try to convince people how wonderful it is.  There doesn't appear to be a lot of transparency in the whole "they-gave-me-this-stuff-to-make-you-buy-it" situation.  I have no problem saying how great a "thing" is if I stumble across it, nor do I have a problem saying it was utter crap.  I do have a dislike for essentially trying to con people, shilling a product that secretly is for your own benefit. 

I don't like selling things, which is a large part of the reason why I work in a public service position. I feel bad trying to convince people to part with their hard-earned money for stuff that isn't going to make their life dramatically better and will be inconsequential in the long run.  It annoys me when people try to get me to buy shit I'm not interested in, and I don't want to do it to anyone else.  My brother?  He's smooth.  He could sell ice cubes to Eskimos.  I am very much the opposite, and any time I have had to try to sell things as a job I have sucked at it.  I have a very Lloyd Dobler approach to it all.

Don't even tell me you don't know who Lloyd Dobler is.  Watch and learn, kids.

Friends, when I got this email I had very mixed feelings about the entire concept. On the surface it was flattering and sort of sweet that someone out there thought I had opinions/views that people might care about and listen to. I could use my powers for good, be a positive force in the lives of others. Somebody seemed to think I was persuasive enough to do it.

On the other hand, I found the whole thing highly ridiculous and amusing.  Who do you think I am?  Did you hit your head and somehow get me mixed up with a Kardashian?  You're addressing someone with less than 500 Twitter followers. I have zero clout of any kind.

It was priceless.  All I could think of was a recurring situation from my childhood.  I can't even count the number of times my Mother would tell me, "Go tell your brother to _________ (clean his room/come in for dinner/get away from the road/etc).  He'll listen to you."  Poor, poor, delusional woman.  I told her numerous times he didn't listen to me.  Being sent on such a mission only ever had about a 50% chance of success, and that was generally if I opened with the phrase, "Mom says...". The misguided person who had sent me the email was likely suffering from the same misconception of my persuasive abilities as my Mother had done for years.

Putting all that aside, I would be a horrible choice for an Influencer, Friends. Honestly.

If I had to try to influence people about anything it would be that they don't need to listen to someone called an Influencer.

Be yourself. Do your thing.  Let your freak flag fly.  You just do you.  Whatever cliche expression fits.

Like what you like.  Forget whether other people think it is "cool" or not.  Odds are they like some weird stuff that you wouldn't enjoy.

Be happy.  Do what you enjoy.  Life is too short to worry about what other people think.  Find your passion and run with it.  Maybe it's a job you love, or a hobby that lifts your spirits.  Not to go all Nike on you, but just do it.

Think. For. Yourself.  You do not need to listen to someone called an Influencer to find out what you should be doing, or what music you should listen to, what clothes to buy, or what to think.  Think the latest fashion trend looks insane?  Don't do it.  Does the idea of listening to Justin Bieber make you twitch and want to plug your ears?  Don't do it!  Just because some random person on the internet tells you something is awesome doesn't mean you have to agree with them.  (It also does not give you the right to be an asshole to them because you disagree.)

Yeah.  I realize that was hugely hypocritical, Friends.  That was essentially a big long list of reasons to persuade people not to listen to an Influencer.  The irony is not lost on me.

Suffice it to say, I did not accept their offer to become An Influencer.  I like to think the internet is for the free exchange of ideas, for connecting and sharing -- not to  try to sell shit to people 24/7 by any means possible.  Just know that if I share something here and tell you how super-cool-awesome-amazing I think it is?  I really mean it, and I'm not getting anything out of it.  I would never try to sell you shit for my own benefit.  

*Friends, if you are still reading at this point, thank you.  You deserve a treat.  Get yourself a cookie or something.  That was a lot of navel-gazing and contemplation we just went through.*

Happy New Year....Maybe?

Happy New Year, Friends!

I know it hasn't been 2016 too terribly long, but I hope it's going well for you so far. Mine's been pretty good, lots of room for improvement though.  That's what the New Year is for, right?  A fresh start.  365 days to fill with new adventures.  Maybe I'll travel to some exotic locale.  Maybe this will be the year I finally find someone who will put up with me get a boyfriend.  Sky's the limit!

I'd like you to join me in a game I am currently playing, Friends.  You don't have to do anything but keep reading.  It's a lazy person's game (also works if you are hungover.  I don't know what all you got up to last night).  All you have to do is sit around and ponder the possibilities.  Sound good? Excellent! Because that's what we are doing.

Friends, allow me to introduce you to a game I am calling:

What's Up With the Neighbors?

How To Play:  I will provide you with the meager amount of evidence I have, and then we will think of all the things that might be going on.

Why Are We Doing This:  Because we can.  Because I am bored of playing it by myself and decided to share my fun imaginary game.  Because Jazz-kitty woke me up way too early to get her breakfast.  I also might be procrastinating on starting to clean the house.  All valid reasons.  

Ready?  Let's begin.

Evidence (aka Flimsy Amount of Details That I Have Gathered):

-- Last night was New Year's Eve.  People celebrate in lots of different ways.  Some people go out and get totally smashed, some go out to a fancy and romantic dinner, some stay at home and have a quiet celebration, some just sleep right through it and don't care.  I have no idea what the neighbors did.

-- My cat is a spoiled brat and woke me up much earlier than I wanted so that I could feed her breakfast.  It was when I went into the kitchen to get her food that I first noticed something was going on at one of the houses nearby. I could hear the music they were playing while I was in my kitchen.

-- There are 2 possible houses that could be the source of the music.  The neighbors in question are usually pretty quiet and keep to themselves.  They are friendly and will chat, don't get me wrong.  I just don't see them outside very often.  They also have a lot of   people who are always around. I'm not really sure how many of them actually live in either house.  I don't pay that much attention.

-- I did not notice anything unusual when I got home last night.  There was no sign of a wild party raging in the near vicinity, no police or emergency vehicles hanging around.  I wasn't drunk and overlooked it, since I drove.  It was cold, and I hurried inside. 

-- Somebody in the neighborhood felt the need to set off fireworks around 1:30 this morning.  I don't know who it was.  I was snuggly warm in bed and trying to sleep, and I chose to stay there hoping it was going to be a short round of holiday craziness.

-- The same song has been playing, on repeat, for almost 2 hours now.  Possibly longer.  I can only vouch for the amount of time I have had to listen to it.  

-- It's the choice of song that really makes this game fun and increases the possibilities.

Aw, yeah...someone had an interesting night!  

Now We Ponder the Possibilities:

1)  Someone had a reallly good time. Like they might still be celebrating and/or reliving the night.

2) Someone is having a moment.  Maybe they can't remember what happened last night.  Or maybe they remember exactly what happened last night and are now in the midst of an existential crisis, trying to come to grips with the situation.

3) Someone passed the hell out with their music on and this song is going to play until they finally wake up and turn it off.  Or someone gets annoyed/concerned enough to call the cops.

4) Their friends dropped their drunk ass off at home, and decided it would be hilarious to leave this song playing for their friend to wake up to in the morning.

5) Someone had a party.  Whomever was in charge of the music left it playing, and now there is no one there who knows how the technology works and they can't turn it off.  

6) They really, really love this song and want to share it with the whole neighborhood.

That's all I've come up with so far.  Join in my game, Friends!  What do you think is going on with my neighbors?  

Right now, I'm just glad I like Jamie Foxx and this song.  It makes the whole thing highly amusing. Other songs could have made this much more worrying, depressing, and/or annoying.  

Happy New Year, Friends.  Hope you are having a great start to the year!  

**Edit:  And just short of the 3 hour mark, the music has stopped.  Well, at least I know whomever it was is alive and functioning.**