You Want Me to Be a What?

**Warning: This is going to take a while, folks.  This whole concept really took some contemplation, and pushed a few of my buttons. Kick back and get yourself your beverage of choice, and snuggle in for a bit of reading time.**

Hey, Friends.

So, a while back I got an email from someone asking me if I wanted to be an "Influencer".  If you're like me, your initial response is, "You want me to be a what?"  I mean, obviously, it would be someone who influences people somehow, but that was the first time I had encountered the term. (Is Influencer even a real word?  I'm not sure that it is.)  It sounds kind of sinister -- like a mob position or something.

I had so many questions.

• What the hell is an Influencer?
• When did this become a thing? Are there really that many people out there relying on the opinion of strangers on the internet for guidance in their lives?
• How did you even find me to ask?
• Why in the world would anyone think I had any kind of influence to begin with? I am, if we are being extremely generous, a teeny little blip in the existence of the internet.

So I did a little research, and found an interesting article.  It would appear that Influencers can be bloggers, and they write and review "things" to make people like "things" more. I highly doubt anyone would be reaching out to bloggers to review their product in a negative way.  I'm also guessing there is some sort of compensation scheme involved.

Would I like to make money off of my little blog here, Friends?  Yes.  That would be pretty sweet, and I do like money.  And that is where we come to the first bump in the road.

I hate, abhor, detest (fill in your negative association here) trying to read something on the internet and having 90 million ads blocking the actual content that you want to see. I don't care if it is a news article, a blog post, some click-bait bullshit thing that tempts you -- it annoys the crap out of me when there is more ad clutter on the screen than actual content that you wanted to read in the first place. Don't even get me started on those auto-play video ads.  That's why there aren't any ads here (or there better not be, at any rate.)  Blogger is more than happy to tell me how to monetize my blog with Google, but I choose not to.  I'm also not going to start a Kickstarter, or Go Fund Me, or otherwise beg for money for something I would be doing anyway.  There are people and causes that need it more.  You have money you want to burn? Donate it to a charity, give it to the homeless person on the street, send an anonymous donation to your local animal shelter.  

The idea of an Influencer kind of feels like you would be a bit dishonest and selling your soul to make money.  You write about this super-awesome "thing", and try to convince people how wonderful it is.  There doesn't appear to be a lot of transparency in the whole "they-gave-me-this-stuff-to-make-you-buy-it" situation.  I have no problem saying how great a "thing" is if I stumble across it, nor do I have a problem saying it was utter crap.  I do have a dislike for essentially trying to con people, shilling a product that secretly is for your own benefit. 

I don't like selling things, which is a large part of the reason why I work in a public service position. I feel bad trying to convince people to part with their hard-earned money for stuff that isn't going to make their life dramatically better and will be inconsequential in the long run.  It annoys me when people try to get me to buy shit I'm not interested in, and I don't want to do it to anyone else.  My brother?  He's smooth.  He could sell ice cubes to Eskimos.  I am very much the opposite, and any time I have had to try to sell things as a job I have sucked at it.  I have a very Lloyd Dobler approach to it all.

Don't even tell me you don't know who Lloyd Dobler is.  Watch and learn, kids.

Friends, when I got this email I had very mixed feelings about the entire concept. On the surface it was flattering and sort of sweet that someone out there thought I had opinions/views that people might care about and listen to. I could use my powers for good, be a positive force in the lives of others. Somebody seemed to think I was persuasive enough to do it.

On the other hand, I found the whole thing highly ridiculous and amusing.  Who do you think I am?  Did you hit your head and somehow get me mixed up with a Kardashian?  You're addressing someone with less than 500 Twitter followers. I have zero clout of any kind.

It was priceless.  All I could think of was a recurring situation from my childhood.  I can't even count the number of times my Mother would tell me, "Go tell your brother to _________ (clean his room/come in for dinner/get away from the road/etc).  He'll listen to you."  Poor, poor, delusional woman.  I told her numerous times he didn't listen to me.  Being sent on such a mission only ever had about a 50% chance of success, and that was generally if I opened with the phrase, "Mom says...". The misguided person who had sent me the email was likely suffering from the same misconception of my persuasive abilities as my Mother had done for years.

Putting all that aside, I would be a horrible choice for an Influencer, Friends. Honestly.

If I had to try to influence people about anything it would be that they don't need to listen to someone called an Influencer.

Be yourself. Do your thing.  Let your freak flag fly.  You just do you.  Whatever cliche expression fits.

Like what you like.  Forget whether other people think it is "cool" or not.  Odds are they like some weird stuff that you wouldn't enjoy.

Be happy.  Do what you enjoy.  Life is too short to worry about what other people think.  Find your passion and run with it.  Maybe it's a job you love, or a hobby that lifts your spirits.  Not to go all Nike on you, but just do it.

Think. For. Yourself.  You do not need to listen to someone called an Influencer to find out what you should be doing, or what music you should listen to, what clothes to buy, or what to think.  Think the latest fashion trend looks insane?  Don't do it.  Does the idea of listening to Justin Bieber make you twitch and want to plug your ears?  Don't do it!  Just because some random person on the internet tells you something is awesome doesn't mean you have to agree with them.  (It also does not give you the right to be an asshole to them because you disagree.)

Yeah.  I realize that was hugely hypocritical, Friends.  That was essentially a big long list of reasons to persuade people not to listen to an Influencer.  The irony is not lost on me.

Suffice it to say, I did not accept their offer to become An Influencer.  I like to think the internet is for the free exchange of ideas, for connecting and sharing -- not to  try to sell shit to people 24/7 by any means possible.  Just know that if I share something here and tell you how super-cool-awesome-amazing I think it is?  I really mean it, and I'm not getting anything out of it.  I would never try to sell you shit for my own benefit.  

*Friends, if you are still reading at this point, thank you.  You deserve a treat.  Get yourself a cookie or something.  That was a lot of navel-gazing and contemplation we just went through.*

You Think My Blog Is Sexy?

(AKA  Never Look Too Closely at the Info Blogger Provides in the Stats)

WARNING:  DO NOT READ THIS AT WORK, OR WITH SMALL, IMPRESSIONABLE CHILDREN LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER,  OR IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY BAD LANGUAGE, OR DISCUSSIONS OF SEX AND THE INTERNET.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.  IF THAT BOTHERS YOU, I ADVISE YOU STOP READING NOW AND GO ELSEWHERE.

When you have a blog on Blogger, like this one, you can get all kinds of cool stats -- things that I would not have the slightest idea how to compile on my own.  

Normally I just look at how many views each post gets.  I still get very excited  that people are actually reading this thing.  I’ve only ever gotten two comments left on my blog, one of which is complete spammy garbage, but I leave it up as it is one of my two precious comments.  The little things amuse and excite me.

When looking at the stats recently, I decided to click on the “Traffic Sources” for my blog.  Never, ever do this unless you are prepared to be amazed and/or horrified by the results!  It will show you the Top Referring URLs, Top Referring Sites, and the Top Search Keywords that brought people to your blog.  It also tells you how many times each of them were used.  Pretty cool.

Facebook and it’s mobile version being #1 for Referring URL and site was no surprise.  I post a link to the blog on Facebook when  I write something new.  I want people to be able to click on it and read my ramblings.  So hurrah for that seeming to work!

Then it got strange.

One of the Top Referring Sites I had never heard of before.  I’m not going to list it here -- you do NOT need the surprise I got when I clicked on the link.  I, naively, judged it on it’s URL and thought it was going to be a website like www.meetup.com -- a legit page that people use for book clubs, writing workshops, coffee groups, etc.  The URL had a similar name.  I thought maybe it was for blogging, that’s why so many people had been referred from the site.  Makes sense, right?

Wrong!

I clicked on the link and was greeted by a big picture of a naked woman with “FREE SEX” written above her head.  OMGWTF!?!

I closed that shit down immediately, no lie.

Then I kind of freaked out and texted someone who actually reads my blog and is internet-savvy to tell him of my discovery.  Because OMG Why?  How? What?

I went to take another look at the stats, thinking maybe some kind of pop-up had hijacked my browser. That is when I noticed the top entry for search terms that had brought people to my blog.

“My husband in bathroom fuck me q…”

Fuck me what? Quickly?  Quietly?  Are you in the bathroom with your husband?  Is your husband in the bathroom and you are hiding somewhere else with another man (or woman)?

I have no idea.  That’s where the keyword search trails off.  4 times that keyword search has brought people to my blog! 4! More people have found my blog searching that particular phrase than have by actually typing in the web address.  I kid you not -- I’ve seen the numbers.

I really can’t understand how or why.  That particular phrase has never been used anywhere on my blog (well, until just now).  I may drop the f-bomb on occasion.  I have written about my bathroom twice: once with a middle-of-the-night toilet repair, and once when I thought my mouthwash might be eating my sink and creating a sinkhole.  I also have never written about the husband that I do not have.  I’m still confused as to how my blog got associated with that phrase.  I’m chalking it up to the marvels of the internet.

I would like to apologize to what I can only imagine are a lot of very disappointed people.  

I’m so sorry.

You got pointed here thinking you were going to find some free sex or erotic stories or the like.  You got my blog instead.  I write about creepy deer, a certain religious group’s unending campaign to try to convert me, people dumpster diving like it is a new sport, and random weirdness that only seems to happen to me (like being accused of stealing my own identity while trying to buy cough syrup).

My apologies.  From the number of hits there are many people who are disappointed out there….

Or else you found my blog by accident the first time, you actually like it, and keep coming back?  I like to think my blog is smart and amusing -- those are sexy qualities in a person.  Maybe, a la Justin Timberlake, my blog is bringing sexy back?

Probably not.

**It has been pointed out to me that this particular post might actually end up getting me more traffic from the websites mentioned above.  I guess we shall see what the stats have to say!