Friday, July 26, 2013

File Under: Why Me?

So I'm leaving work on my dinner break this evening, and I held the door for the patron behind me.  Mistake!

It is one of our regular patrons who has been coming in for years.  I don't think anything of it until he links arms with me.

Um, okay.  He's a bit older than me -- like 30 years.  I thought maybe he was having trouble walking, lost his balance, something like that.  But he doesn't let go of my arm once we get outside.

This is the conversation that follows:

Patron: What is that delicious smell?  Is that your perfume?

Me: *looks around, sees no one else in the vicinity*   Yes, I guess it is.

Patron:  I like it.  You smell really good.

Me: Thank you.

Patron:  It's different, kind of mysterious.

Me: Thanks.

Patron: Are you married?

*Now, in my head I start worrying a little bit.  We are drifting in to territory I do not want to cover with this man.  At the same time, I don't want to lie. *

Me: Nope.

We pause as I, thankfully, was parked on the opposite side of the parking lot.

Patron:  Okay, that's good to know.  Well, have a nice evening.

Me: You too.

What.  The. Hell.

None of the patrons who have asked me out at work are anyone I would consider dating.  Let us recount:

-- The dude who learned my schedule, wrote bad love poetry on the internet, was in and out of rehab, and tried to sell his belongings to a coworker.

--Another guy who was older than me, although probably the most normal of the group.  He really likes his Sci-Fi movies.

-- A teenager, and after I said no he wanted me to buy him beer.

-- The guy who needed help writing his resume, had a high school diploma, and was living in his car.

Those are the standouts in my memory.

T.G.I.F.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Santa and His What Now?

First, the briefest back-story  possible....

When I was little, my parents took my brother and I on a trip to The North Pole.  My Uncle John,  Aunt Robin, and my cousins went as well.  When we went to visit Santa he was on a break, and we got to see Mrs. Claus.

Apparently my dear brother was not going to tolerate that.  Later on in the day, he decided to go back and see Santa by himself, without telling anyone.  Not good when you are just a little guy.  We found him, eventually, hanging out with Santa, but not before my Aunt had started checking all of the ponds and water features, sure that he had fallen into one of them and drowned.

The point of this awesome story -- there is an amusement park in New York state for kids that is called The North Pole.  I even included the link above for your enjoyment.

Got it?  Good.  Keep that in mind as you read on.

My niece and nephew are here staying for a few weeks.  Here is a guide to the people involved in tonight's conversation:

L: My niece.  She is 10.
A: My nephew.  He is 5.
Mom:  My mother.  She would kill me if I listed her age.
Me:  That would be me.  And old enough.

This is the conversation that took place in the car earlier this evening.

A: I've never seen snow.
L: I have!
Mom: We know.
Me: Austin that's why you should tell your Daddy that you want to come visit in the winter!
L: For my birthday!!!!!
Me: I tried mailing you a can of snow for Christmas.  Did it work?
L: Sort of, but it didn't really feel like snow.

Kids are chatting in the back of the car...

Me: Maybe we should take him to The North Pole.  They had that cool ice pole thing that was there all year round!
Mom:  Did they have snow?  I don't remember.
Me: I remember Aunt Robin thought Brian had drowned somewhere.

A: I've been to the North Pole!
L: No you haven't!
A: Uh-huh!  I was there, and I saw Santa, and I was throwing snowballs at him and his midget clowns and...
Me:  Wait wait wait...what?  His midget clowns?!
A:  Yeah.  His midget clowns.
Me: You mean his elves?
A: Yeah -- his midget clowns.  The guys in the funny suits.  They hate children.

At this point I kind of checked out on the conversation.  I was laughing so hard about the "midget clowns" instead of elves that I never did hear why he thought that they hated children.