Lucky Number 13

This flag will be coming down immediately.  People are taking it too literally.

I was lucky enough to have the day off today.  My big plans were to sit and relax with my coffee this morning, then go out shopping with my mother later.  Nothing fancy -- she needs decorations for the Moose Lodge, I need to track down candy to try to make candy sushi later this week for a cake.    I call my mother, we make plans, she'll drive and pick me up.  Stores are probably going to be crazy.

Around 11:45 I'm checking out Facebook, drinking coffee.  House is quiet, it's sunny so the lights aren't on. The cats are sleeping or watching the birds -- it's peaceful.

*Ding Dong*

I'm not expecting anyone other than my mother, and it is too early for her to be here.  I can see my front door from where I am on the laptop, and I see the silhouette of a woman in a coat and fancy hat at the door.  My mind immediately screams "Jehovahs!", as they are always nicely dressed when they show up.

Hell no, I'm not opening that door!

I freeze.  No movement will take place.  I shall play possum and hope she goes away.

*knock knock knock*

I duck behind the screen of the laptop, thankful that I wasn't listening to music or playing a game or on any kind of website that makes noise.

*swishhhh*

And something slides under the door, and I see her leave.

Not moving yet, and definitely not opening the door.  She could be lying in wait out there, like a ninja ready to silently pop out and get me.

10 minutes go by....

I creep into my bedroom to look out the window.  They are still there.  Their car is parked directly in front of my house.  Damn!

Grab the phone and creep to the back of my house, just to be sure they don't hear me and realize I am home.  I call my mother:

"Houston, we have a problem.  Jehovahs are encamped in front of my house.  Please delay leave time by at least 15 minutes.  We'll see if this obstacle removes itself."

Eventually their car leaves, about 10 minutes later.

I sneak out onto the front porch -- no sign of them or the car anywhere on the street.  I decide it is probably safe to bring the garbage and recycling cans back up from the street.  I grab the recycling can and make a break for the garage in the back.

No problems, and still no sign of them.  Lulled into a false sense of security, I wander back to the front to grab the garbage can.  Halfway back up the driveway I hear:  "Hello!  Hello Dear!"

I turn around and there it is, the car full of four ladies -- the ladies I have been avoiding.  It's stopped at the bottom of my driveway.  Shit.

I pause to assess the situation, and the driver says something, but I can't really hear it.  All I can make out is the word "library".  Oh fuck me, my cover is now blown.  So I head toward the car and tell them I didn't hear what they said.

Driver:  I said, you work at the library don't you?
Me: Yes I do.
Driver:  I thought I recognized you!
Me: *from the back, walking up my driveway?!  Creepy!*  Yup, you were right!
Driver:  Tell me, did you get the pamphlet that this lady left under your door?
Me: Yes I did.
Driver: Tell me, have you gotten one of these already?  Have other people been through here recently with this pamphlet?

Look familiar, folks?  

This would be the point where I mentally begin kicking myself, as apparently even when I am not at work I can't help but be a helpful source of information to people.  Also, I'm thinking at least one of my neighbors must be less than amused at the constant visits and told one of the ladies that they already had this material.  Probably in a nicer way than I would have.

Me:  Yes, actually.  I got one of those left under my door last week, I believe.
Driver:  Last week?
Me:  Day after Halloween.  I didn't see anyone, but I found it on my porch and it wasn't there the day before.
Driver: Huh.  Someone must have been here already.

And at that point I think I am off the hook.  I'd like to think there is some level of coordination that must have gone wrong, and someone didn't report back that they had tried to save my street already.

I start to back away, and the older lady in the passenger seat chirps up..

Lady: What are those symbols you are wearing on your neck, dear?
Me: *WTF.  Are we not done here?*  My necklaces?
Lady:  Yes, that top one in particular.

These would be the "symbols" being discussed.

Me:  It's a crow.  See?  *And now I have to move back up to the car, and turn it sideways so she can see it is a crow's head.*

Lady:  Oh.  I didn't realize that.  And what's that other one, a turtle?

Me: Yes, it's a turtle.  I like crows and turtles.

Lady:  Oh.  They're...nice.

Me: Thanks! *smile*

Lady: Well, we have to be going now.

Me: Have a nice day!

And as they pulled away I swear I heard her say something about my "symbols" meaning something.

So now I have probably offered proof that I am the Spawn of Satan, and my "symbols" are probably a sign that I am in a cult, or a witch, or the like.  Awesome.  I'm sure that won't make them come back even more to try saving me. Added bonus that it can now be awkward as hell when the patron comes to the library and we both try not to acknowledge her little visit to my house.

And that, friends, is the story of my thirteenth visit by the Jehovah's Witnesses in three years.  

In Which Buying Cough Syrup Made My Day

I have a little cough.  Nothing terrible, just annoying, and I don't want it to get worse.  It's almost Halloween which is my favorite holiday, I'm on vacation, and I refuse to get sick!  Not happening.

So I popped out to a quick-mart place to get some cough syrup and ginger ale.   I'm not going to name the place or the guy who helped me as he was just doing his job.  I don't want to get anyone in trouble.

Should be a simple and easy transaction, right?  Nope.

He asks for proof of ID to buy the cough syrup.  WTF.  Seriously?  He said it was a new law.  When did this start? Apparently it has been around for a while, and I just don't buy cough syrup often enough to have known about it.

I give the guy my license.  Seems strange to me, but I want my cough syrup and I'm not going to hassle a guy for doing his job.

He looks at my license, looks at me, looks at my license again.  And then...

Guy:  No, no, no!  I do not want this ID.  I want your ID.  You are the one buying the medicine.

Me: I know.  That is my ID.  I just drove here, that's my car, and that's my driver's license.

Guy: No.  This ID is wrong.  This must be your older sister or your Mom.  I need ID for you.  You have to be at least 18 for medicine.

I laugh, thinking he's just being a funny guy and making jokes since it seems slow.  He's an older guy, maybe he's just bored and feeling a little silly today.  Maybe he just flirts with all the ladies that come in.

Guy:  This isn't funny.  I need your ID.

Me: *In my head I was like, "Say what?  OMG he is being serious!"*  Um, that is my ID.  I don't know what else I can show you to prove it.  Credit card?

Guy: No.  No credit card.  I need proof this is you.  You don't look old enough to buy beer, certainly this is not your ID.

Me: Well, then can I just get the ginger ale and have my license back please?

Guy: I don't know.  You might use the fake ID somewhere else.

Me: It. Is. Not. A. Fake. ID.  Give me back my license!

Guy:  Prove it is yours, and I will give you the license and your medicine.  If not, I will call the cops.

WTF!!!!

People, it is a good thing that I rarely clean out my purse, and I have not gone through my wallet in, as it turns out, forever.

I start whipping things out on the counter to try to prove my ID.

Pay stub.  He says it might not be mine.
Credit card. Nope.
Checkbook.  Might not be mine.

What the heck dude, do you think I mugged someone to come buy cough syrup?

Old ID card from Brockport that I still, somehow, had in my wallet.  This gives him pause.

Library staff ID.

Guy: Oh, you work at the library!  This is a good place!  Here, here, take your things!  I will give you all of your things and the medicine!  *smiling*

Me:  Thanks?  *And I paid him, before he changed his mind*

Guy: You're welcome, you're welcome!  (He's acting like we are best buddies at this point.)

Me:  We're cool?  It's okay if I leave?

Guy:  Oh yes, yes.  But you should know, that is a very bad picture of you on the ID.  Makes you look old.  You look like a kid in person.

Me:  Thank you!  Honestly, that is the nicest thing I have heard all day.  You have a very nice day, Sir!  (And I meant it.)

Guy:  You too, my friend!

In short:
--got harassed
--almost had to talk to the cops about stealing my own identity?
--the library is a magical place
--got my cough syrup and ginger ale
--apparently made a new best friend

And also decided there is no way in the world I am ever going there to buy alcohol.  If it took that much to convince him I am old enough for cough syrup I would probably have to leave a blood sample for anything else.

Santa and His What Now?

First, the briefest back-story  possible....

When I was little, my parents took my brother and I on a trip to The North Pole.  My Uncle John,  Aunt Robin, and my cousins went as well.  When we went to visit Santa he was on a break, and we got to see Mrs. Claus.

Apparently my dear brother was not going to tolerate that.  Later on in the day, he decided to go back and see Santa by himself, without telling anyone.  Not good when you are just a little guy.  We found him, eventually, hanging out with Santa, but not before my Aunt had started checking all of the ponds and water features, sure that he had fallen into one of them and drowned.

The point of this awesome story -- there is an amusement park in New York state for kids that is called The North Pole.  I even included the link above for your enjoyment.

Got it?  Good.  Keep that in mind as you read on.

My niece and nephew are here staying for a few weeks.  Here is a guide to the people involved in tonight's conversation:

L: My niece.  She is 10.
A: My nephew.  He is 5.
Mom:  My mother.  She would kill me if I listed her age.
Me:  That would be me.  And old enough.

This is the conversation that took place in the car earlier this evening.

A: I've never seen snow.
L: I have!
Mom: We know.
Me: Austin that's why you should tell your Daddy that you want to come visit in the winter!
L: For my birthday!!!!!
Me: I tried mailing you a can of snow for Christmas.  Did it work?
L: Sort of, but it didn't really feel like snow.

Kids are chatting in the back of the car...

Me: Maybe we should take him to The North Pole.  They had that cool ice pole thing that was there all year round!
Mom:  Did they have snow?  I don't remember.
Me: I remember Aunt Robin thought Brian had drowned somewhere.

A: I've been to the North Pole!
L: No you haven't!
A: Uh-huh!  I was there, and I saw Santa, and I was throwing snowballs at him and his midget clowns and...
Me:  Wait wait wait...what?  His midget clowns?!
A:  Yeah.  His midget clowns.
Me: You mean his elves?
A: Yeah -- his midget clowns.  The guys in the funny suits.  They hate children.

At this point I kind of checked out on the conversation.  I was laughing so hard about the "midget clowns" instead of elves that I never did hear why he thought that they hated children.