That's What He Said

Hey, Friends.

My niece and nephew were up visiting from Texas for the last month or so. They just went home on Friday and I miss them already.  I'm going to write about them a bit now to help me to keep the memories close.  If you aren't feeling that, think it sounds deadly boring, please feel free to take yourself elsewhere.

We're going to talk about my nephew here, Friends -- more specifically the things that he says.  He's 9, and I find some of the things he says to be hilarious. Sometimes it's because he really wasn't paying attention and repeats what he thought he heard, sometimes he can't remember the word he really wants to use so he comes up with a close approximation.  He's also just a really funny little dude.  I started making notes of some of them. I think they're priceless, but I'm totally biased on this.

Without further ado, I present the sayings of my nephew, Austin. I call them:

Austin-isms

Let's start with a couple of classics that my brother relayed to me.  

1) "Ham on tuna" -- Hannah Montana.  They had been discussing the show, and clearly Austin wasn't really listening very carefully.  When he was really little he had to watch it a lot because my niece was obsessed with the show, and he used to call it "Best Show" because of the theme song.

2) "Can of fish" -- again, his listening ears weren't working so well.  Apparently my sister-in-law was trying to talk and he kept interrupting, and she said, "Can I finish?" 

3) Another older example I was present for:  he couldn't remember the word 'elves'.  He called them "Santa's midget clowns", and claimed that they hated children.  

On to the gems from this summer.  Some are pretty clear, and others might necessitate a bit of explanation.

4) "Like a rhino in a Chinese store" -- he meant bull in a china shop, but didn't quite get it right.

5) On dealing with  his sister:  "I'm not allowed to touch her.  At all."

6) On briefly seeing a display for something called Spikeball in a sporting goods store: "It's just what drunk people play."

7) To his grandmother, "You're wasting my words."  This could go a couple different ways.  Originally he meant that she was twisting his words.  He also used to complain that, "Grandma is always asking me a million questions about everything," and she was making him waste his words answering her.

8) When I asked him what he had been doing since his fingernails were caked with dirt:  "That's not dirt.  That's memories."

9) "Hands are nature's silverware.  Teeth are nature's knives."

10) To his sister, "You have all the length, I have all the muscle."  (She is older and much taller than he is.)

11) On debating with me whether 'bogosity' was a word: "Bogosity -- search it up, Aunt Tammy!  It's totally in Urban Dictionary!"

12) He came to visit me at the library where I work, and took it upon himself to put all of the puzzles in the children's area back together correctly.  He also morphed into a 90 year old man.  "These darn kids are irresponsible, losing all the pieces. They shouldn't be allowed to have puzzles!"

13) "Little tickets to heaven" -- that's what he called the goose poop that was all over sidewalk when we were out for a walk.

14) Showing me his profile picture on his Instagram account: "That's a cupcake.  I made it.  His name was Diabetes."

15) "Is this going to be an Austinism?  Don't write that down.  I can do much better than that!"

16) We were in the car.  He was really tired, watching YouTube videos on his tablet and trying to listen to the conversation Lili (my niece) and I were having about Pretty Little Liars. "Who what did?" and then whispered under his breath, "Oh, God."  

17) Commenting on his sister: "She's now turning into a real giraffe!  Long neck, long legs..."

18) He went to baseball camp at Marist College, and he would come home starving and totally exhausted.  He would never cop to being tired and would fight it every night.  It led to him saying things at dinner like, "I can't talk because there's a mouth in my food."

19) And when tired he kind of scrambles his words a bit: "Is the dar clocked?"  Is the car locked.  Totally wouldn't admit he said it, either.  Cause he wasn't tired, damn it!

20) My brother was up to visit for the week before taking his kidlets back home to Texas.  My mother had made a pasta salad with garbanzo beans in it.  Austin was sitting closest to the salad, and was dishing some out to my brother when he asked. "Do you want the garzombie beans?"  I like his word better, honestly.

21) "Everybody likes ice cream.  Except for people who are lactose intolerant."  Then he whispered, "They have explosive poo later."

22) He came home from baseball camp and announced to his sister and I, " I have swamp butt."  I don't know what it is, and I don't think I want to know.  I told him to make sure he told his Dad, since he was here.  Aunt Tammy doesn't handle Swamp Butt.  New rule.

23) This happened on Thursday night.  I worked late and went over to my parents' house after to visit everyone.  My brother had already taken Austin up to bed to start the process of trying to get him to sleep.  I went up to the bedroom to see him before he went to sleep.

Austin:  Hi Tomato-mobiler!  *cracks up laughing*

Me: Hi there, Giggles.

Austin:  Get it?  Cause Dad calls you Tomato and he sent your birthday present to Tomato and they delivered it!  And your car is red-- like a tomato!  The Tomato mobile.  You're a tomato-mobiler!"  He was giddy he was so tired, just cracking himself up.

Me:  Whatever you say, Swamp Butt.

His birthday is next week.  I hope he finds it just as hilarious when I address his present to Swamp Butt.  He doesn't think they will deliver it.  They totally will. I send flowers to my niece every year for her birthday.  Back in the day I used to address them to her self-proclaimed moniker of Princess Flapjack Electroboom.  They always got delivered.  Swamp Butt is in for a surprise!

Just to be fair and round this out, I'll share a bit of ridiculousness that my brother, my niece and I got up to.  It's entirely my fault.  I take full blame.

My brother, Lili, and I were all watching television at my parents' house.  (The kidlets stay there when they come to visit, as neither would be up and motivated to go when I have to leave for work in the morning.  My brother crashes at my house when he is in town.) There must not have been a Yankees game on at the time as I had the remote.  I was flipping through the channel guide, trying to find something appropriate for all viewers, and I noticed a show was on Animal Planet called "Finding Bigfoot".  

So I chose it.

I thought it was going to be something educational....like discussing the history of the Bigfoot legend. Nope.  They were in Iowa, I think, and were going to go out and look for Bigfoot where all of these sightings had purportedly taken place.  I assumed they were going to debunk them -- examine the area and talk about what native animals (like bears) people might have been mistaking for Bigfoot.

I was so wrong.

They were legitimately out there trying to find Bigfoot.  They had night vision cameras, thermal readers -- you name it.  Still cool.  It was interesting to see what they could find.

The thing that did us in was the terms they were using.  Did the area look "Squatchy?"  They were going out "squatching".  I really thought I heard them wrong the first time, but they kept saying similar things.

So, fast forward to the last day of their visit.  Lili had told my brother that she wanted the two of them to "go on an adventure" while Austin was at camp and I was at work.  We came up with a bunch of things they could do as an adventure, depending on what time Lili managed to drag herself from bed after being up chatting with her friends on her phone half the night.

They ended up going to Minnewaska State Park to go hiking.  It's really beautiful.  I go there quite often to get away from it all.

My brother takes some pictures while they are there, but he tags them with things like "squatchwatch2017". When they were taking a rest, it was a "squatchsquat".

I might have replied and asked if the area looked "squatchy".

But the best of them was definitely when he said, "Going to find them where they live.  Catch them in their sas-hole."  I found that highly amusing.  I don't really care if that makes me seem incredibly immature.

My point, Friends, is that Austin comes by his crazy sayings naturally.  We all do it.  I just happen to find my little dude to be super funny. Like I said -- I'm very biased.  

I hope you found some of this to be at least mildly amusing.

Fun With Comment Spam!

Hey, Friends.

I feel the need to share the comment that someone placed twice within a matter of minutes on the last entry I wrote.  It came from someone using the name Charles Marvin, and it claims to be on behalf of the Illuminati.  Yeah.  It's so blatantly a scam that I find it amusing.

*The only changes I made were to put it in italics to try to give it more panache, and I removed the contact info he provided so that no one would actually attempt to contact this person.* 

WELCOME TO THE GREAT TEMPLE OF ILLUMINATI WORLD RICHES. Are you a business Man, politician, musical, student and you want to be rich, powerful and be famous in life. You can achieve your dreams by being a member of the Illuminati. With this all your dreams and heart desire can be fully accomplish, if you really want to be a member of the great Illuminati then Once you join the brotherhood, you will be given $20,000,000,00 to start up any business you want to start up. call or whatsapp our agent via

It would be rude not to respond to an offer that is so life-changing that Charles felt the need to make it twice, right Friends?  At the very least he could perhaps get some constructive criticism out of it. I'm not about to contact him via his preferred methods, but perhaps he will stumble his way back here again and see a note if I leave it for him.

Dear Charles,

I would like to thank you for reading my last blog post, but I feel you don't deserve such credit.  I highly doubt you bothered to read a single word that was written before posting your comments.  It might be unfair, but I base this assumption entirely on the fact that your comments had nothing whatsoever to do with the content of said post. You hurt my feelings, Charles. You got my hopes up that my writing had truly resonated with someone, and then you dashed them against the rocks of callous, impersonal internet spam.  Would it kill you to at least put in the effort to appear to have read it?

I'm a nice person, Charles, so I did take the time to read what you wrote.  Since you went to all of the trouble of copying and pasting the same statement twice, I can only assume that it must be very important to you.  As such, I have a few thoughts I would like to share with you and the Brotherhood of the Illuminati in return.

1) I am not a "business Man", politician, or student.  I'm most certainly not a musical.  I think your offer is void right from the start.  Sorry, Charlie!

2) Does the Illuminati really recruit new members to their alleged ranks by random comments on blog posts?  I bet not.  I'd think that such a secretive organization (assuming it exists beyond myth) would be a little bit more selective in their membership recruitment process.

3) Whatsapp?  Really? 

4) How much money are you actually offering?  Your comma placement leaves a bit to be desired. Is that supposed to be 20 billion dollars and you just forgot a zero, or is that last comma meant to be a period and it's only a measly 20 million dollar offer?  There's a big difference. I think the Brotherhood might be a tad annoyed at your lack of specifics.

5) If the Illuminati have all of this money, why can't they hire someone to write comments that don't have to be deciphered?  I'm not saying that you have to have perfect grammar, but that's a hot mess. 

6) Would you happen to be related to CHARLES TAYLOR (JNR) who sent a fax to the library a while back?  I only ask because your writing style seems very similar.  Maybe it's just a coincidence that you both claim to be named Charles. It is a pretty common name, after all.

In closing, I am going to have to pass on your offer.  While it would be nice to be rich and achieve all of my dreams and desires, I think that such success would be more enjoyable when earned on my own.  

Sincerely,

Me

P.S.: I also deleted your comments, as this is quite obviously a scam. I'm not going to enable you to pull anyone into this bullshit by leaving your contact information lingering about where less savvy individuals could stumble upon it.  Sorry again, Charlie.  I'd wish you good luck in your endeavors, but I would be lying.

P.P.S. : If there really is an Illuminati -- you need to invest in some better PR.  This is just sad.  

Lucky Number 13

This flag will be coming down immediately.  People are taking it too literally.

I was lucky enough to have the day off today.  My big plans were to sit and relax with my coffee this morning, then go out shopping with my mother later.  Nothing fancy -- she needs decorations for the Moose Lodge, I need to track down candy to try to make candy sushi later this week for a cake.    I call my mother, we make plans, she'll drive and pick me up.  Stores are probably going to be crazy.

Around 11:45 I'm checking out Facebook, drinking coffee.  House is quiet, it's sunny so the lights aren't on. The cats are sleeping or watching the birds -- it's peaceful.

*Ding Dong*

I'm not expecting anyone other than my mother, and it is too early for her to be here.  I can see my front door from where I am on the laptop, and I see the silhouette of a woman in a coat and fancy hat at the door.  My mind immediately screams "Jehovahs!", as they are always nicely dressed when they show up.

Hell no, I'm not opening that door!

I freeze.  No movement will take place.  I shall play possum and hope she goes away.

*knock knock knock*

I duck behind the screen of the laptop, thankful that I wasn't listening to music or playing a game or on any kind of website that makes noise.

*swishhhh*

And something slides under the door, and I see her leave.

Not moving yet, and definitely not opening the door.  She could be lying in wait out there, like a ninja ready to silently pop out and get me.

10 minutes go by....

I creep into my bedroom to look out the window.  They are still there.  Their car is parked directly in front of my house.  Damn!

Grab the phone and creep to the back of my house, just to be sure they don't hear me and realize I am home.  I call my mother:

"Houston, we have a problem.  Jehovahs are encamped in front of my house.  Please delay leave time by at least 15 minutes.  We'll see if this obstacle removes itself."

Eventually their car leaves, about 10 minutes later.

I sneak out onto the front porch -- no sign of them or the car anywhere on the street.  I decide it is probably safe to bring the garbage and recycling cans back up from the street.  I grab the recycling can and make a break for the garage in the back.

No problems, and still no sign of them.  Lulled into a false sense of security, I wander back to the front to grab the garbage can.  Halfway back up the driveway I hear:  "Hello!  Hello Dear!"

I turn around and there it is, the car full of four ladies -- the ladies I have been avoiding.  It's stopped at the bottom of my driveway.  Shit.

I pause to assess the situation, and the driver says something, but I can't really hear it.  All I can make out is the word "library".  Oh fuck me, my cover is now blown.  So I head toward the car and tell them I didn't hear what they said.

Driver:  I said, you work at the library don't you?
Me: Yes I do.
Driver:  I thought I recognized you!
Me: *from the back, walking up my driveway?!  Creepy!*  Yup, you were right!
Driver:  Tell me, did you get the pamphlet that this lady left under your door?
Me: Yes I did.
Driver: Tell me, have you gotten one of these already?  Have other people been through here recently with this pamphlet?

Look familiar, folks?  

This would be the point where I mentally begin kicking myself, as apparently even when I am not at work I can't help but be a helpful source of information to people.  Also, I'm thinking at least one of my neighbors must be less than amused at the constant visits and told one of the ladies that they already had this material.  Probably in a nicer way than I would have.

Me:  Yes, actually.  I got one of those left under my door last week, I believe.
Driver:  Last week?
Me:  Day after Halloween.  I didn't see anyone, but I found it on my porch and it wasn't there the day before.
Driver: Huh.  Someone must have been here already.

And at that point I think I am off the hook.  I'd like to think there is some level of coordination that must have gone wrong, and someone didn't report back that they had tried to save my street already.

I start to back away, and the older lady in the passenger seat chirps up..

Lady: What are those symbols you are wearing on your neck, dear?
Me: *WTF.  Are we not done here?*  My necklaces?
Lady:  Yes, that top one in particular.

These would be the "symbols" being discussed.

Me:  It's a crow.  See?  *And now I have to move back up to the car, and turn it sideways so she can see it is a crow's head.*

Lady:  Oh.  I didn't realize that.  And what's that other one, a turtle?

Me: Yes, it's a turtle.  I like crows and turtles.

Lady:  Oh.  They're...nice.

Me: Thanks! *smile*

Lady: Well, we have to be going now.

Me: Have a nice day!

And as they pulled away I swear I heard her say something about my "symbols" meaning something.

So now I have probably offered proof that I am the Spawn of Satan, and my "symbols" are probably a sign that I am in a cult, or a witch, or the like.  Awesome.  I'm sure that won't make them come back even more to try saving me. Added bonus that it can now be awkward as hell when the patron comes to the library and we both try not to acknowledge her little visit to my house.

And that, friends, is the story of my thirteenth visit by the Jehovah's Witnesses in three years.  

The Chronology of a Monday

I don't know about you, but lately my Mondays seem to really stink.  Anything and everything that could go wrong always seems to happen on a Monday.  Maybe it's just me.  Maybe you have awesome Mondays and think they are the best day of the week.

Today was not a good day.  Everyone thinks that when you work in a library it must be such a nice, quiet place where nothing ever happens and you sit and read books all day long.  That is certainly not the reality of the library I work in, or any other public library I have visited.  

So why don't we all discuss how crap-tastic our Monday was?  I'll go first.  It can be like group therapy or something.  (I have no idea if it will be like group therapy, having never been to group therapy, but people venting their frustrations should be a good thing, right?)  And hey -- if you managed to have a fantastic Monday, feel free to share that, too!  It would be nice to know that someone had a good day.

Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

1) Immediately upon opening the doors at work this morning the first problem was presented.  Literally less than a minute after opening, the very first patron  through the door tells us that the police had just been in the parking lot, asking if anyone had heard  gun shots.  They said no, and the patrol car took off.  This is worrisome because:

     a) There could be a gun-toting loony shooting outside.

     b) Should we even be open, giving them a very public place to hide and/or several targets in one place?

     c) I don't live that far from work.  My neighborhood is already a hot mess.  I do not need to worry about being shot.  I am rather fond of being free of bullet holes, and I would very much like to stay that way.

2) Next patron tells us that there is a tornado watch until 5pm.  WTF.  We haven't even been open for 10 minutes yet.  Could we possibly slow down the cheerful tidings a bit?

3) Coworker finds this thing in the staff area.  We have had enough weird-ass bug problems that we literally have a bug jar to trap them in.  This thing was too big to even fit in the bug jar.  I'm thinking it is the biggest black cricket I have ever seen -- like the original, primordial cricket.  I took it outside and released it back into nature.  Whatever it is, I do not want it pissed at me.

So hoping it is really a cricket

4) Patron returns a bunch of wet books and dvds, covered with what can only be described as clear slime.  She says she doesn't know how they got like that.  I point out to her that her entire bag is soaking wet and covered in goo.  She says, "Yeah.  Sorry," and throws the goo-bag back into her baby stroller with the baby and leaves.  Now I get to deal with a bunch of goo-covered items, and the desk has a puddle of slime.  Awesome.

5)  The computers start acting up, being more temperamental than usual.  I watch mine do a slow crash, as everything on the screen very slowly disappears from top to bottom to reveal a completely blank desktop.  A coworker whom had just been logged in is now being told her password is incorrect.  Multiple tries before it will successfully let her back in.  The rate this day is going, I think the computers might be becoming self-aware.  It will not surprise me if Agent Smith or a Terminator walks through the door.

6) Sanity break for lunch, wherein I flee the building and keep telling myself, "The day is almost over.  The day is almost over.  Just a few more hours."

7) Within 15 minutes of returning from lunch I am confronted by an older gentleman who has decided that it is a perfectly good idea to partially disrobe and adjust his clothing in the middle of the library, right in front of the book return.  Seriously?  There is a men's room not more than 50 feet from where you are standing. But no, of course it is a much better idea to handle your business in the middle of the floor, with all kinds of patrons and children around.   I mean he had his belt undone, pants unzipped and was adjusting himself and tucking his shirt back in.   W.T.F.  I'll just put that in the Things I Never Wanted to See category, and try to erase the memory of your boxers from my brain.  I may need a drink later.

8) It decides to rain.  Hard.  Like get really black outside and rain so hard the parking lot looks like a lake for a little bit.  Soaking wet patrons, soaking wet items being returned, and the entire library starts to smell like a giant wet dog.  Imagine what a fun place that is to be.

9) On top of all of this, our security company was in doing work on our system for the majority of the day.  We had no idea they were coming.  They tried to stay out of the way, and actually did a pretty good job.  I really didn't mind their presence at all until pieces of ceiling tile rained down upon my head while I was at the circulation desk.  The only place in the entire building where the ceiling tile crumbles and pieces fall, and it is over my head?  I have obviously done something to piss off a higher power.  

10) Just when I think I am nearing my escape, I get to stay at work for an extra hour.  I can only blame myself for this one.  Due to a scheduling problem they had to shift staff around, and I did kind of volunteer my staying as a solution to cover a hole in the schedule.  Obviously, I am a glutton for punishment.  Or crazy.  Maybe both.  I had hit that point where you think to yourself, "Screw it.  What else can possibly happen?"  Definitely time to make more coffee.

I eventually made my escape, without further incidents.  I got home, thinking I had reached a blissfully peaceful place.  I should have known the day was not done with me yet.

11) Cat drama.  One of the neighborhood feral cats whom I call Mama, as she had kittens last year, came to pay a visit this evening.  Normally this is not a problem.  She hangs out in the backyard all of the time, eyeballing the bird feeder, or just sleeping in the shade.  I leave water out for her in the summer when it is super hot, or when it hasn't rained in a long time.  My two cats could not be less interested in her.  Jazz-kitty in particular has watched her countless times from the window, never once puffing up or making a peep.  Usually she acts more like she wants to make a new friend.  

Jazz-kitty being awesome

Tonight, apparently, a line was crossed.  As I am typing this, relaxing and being grateful that the day is over, I hear this weird little mewling/growling noise.  Wiz is passed out asleep by my feet.  Now I'm thinking Jazz-kitty has managed to get stuck somewhere, or hurt herself.  Nope.  I find her on the back porch, puffed up, making weird little noises and backing away from the screen door.  There on the other side of the door, standing on her back feet, front paws and her little nose pressed against the screen, is Mama Cat peeking into the house.  Jazz flees the scene as soon as I get to the back porch.  She has never met another cat (beside Wiz) and has zero clue what to do.  She obviously will not be a great defender if I need her.  Mama Cat goes down the back stairs, sits in the driveway, and just stares at the house.  

Well, shit.  

I can't let her in.  I don't think she has ever been to the vet, so she could have who knows what wrong with her that I don't want my cats to get.  She can't be thirsty, as the rain very nicely filled up the bowl I had left outside for her.  She doesn't appear to be hurt.  So I give her a bowl of dry food, and she goes to town munching away.  Poor thing!  Who knows how long it has been since she last ate.  

Jazz-kitty reappears, apparently realizing that her food had been given away to an interloper.  I expect her to start spazzing out again, getting all defensive.  Nope. She just jumps up in the window, lays down, and watches Mama Cat eating in the driveway.  She doesn't puff up, doesn't make a peep.  So apparently everybody is cool as long as Mama Cat doesn't come near the door to the house.  

Hopefully this is the end of my excitement for they day.  I know it isn't really, as Jazz-kitty will now be running from window to window for the rest of the night, investigating any shadow or sound outside.  If that is all the drama that is left for today, I will be happy.

So how was your Monday?

File Under: Why Me?

So I'm leaving work on my dinner break this evening, and I held the door for the patron behind me.  Mistake!

It is one of our regular patrons who has been coming in for years.  I don't think anything of it until he links arms with me.

Um, okay.  He's a bit older than me -- like 30 years.  I thought maybe he was having trouble walking, lost his balance, something like that.  But he doesn't let go of my arm once we get outside.

This is the conversation that follows:

Patron: What is that delicious smell?  Is that your perfume?

Me: *looks around, sees no one else in the vicinity*   Yes, I guess it is.

Patron:  I like it.  You smell really good.

Me: Thank you.

Patron:  It's different, kind of mysterious.

Me: Thanks.

Patron: Are you married?

*Now, in my head I start worrying a little bit.  We are drifting in to territory I do not want to cover with this man.  At the same time, I don't want to lie. *

Me: Nope.

We pause as I, thankfully, was parked on the opposite side of the parking lot.

Patron:  Okay, that's good to know.  Well, have a nice evening.

Me: You too.

What.  The. Hell.

None of the patrons who have asked me out at work are anyone I would consider dating.  Let us recount:

-- The dude who learned my schedule, wrote bad love poetry on the internet, was in and out of rehab, and tried to sell his belongings to a coworker.

--Another guy who was older than me, although probably the most normal of the group.  He really likes his Sci-Fi movies.

-- A teenager, and after I said no he wanted me to buy him beer.

-- The guy who needed help writing his resume, had a high school diploma, and was living in his car.

Those are the standouts in my memory.

T.G.I.F.

Fun with Fax Spam!

*This came through, amongst many other things, on the fax machine at work.  I found it amusing enough to save and share here.  I'll be including my thoughts at the end.  This is re-copied exactly as received including all caps and poor grammar.   I have removed the supplied contact information from the sender so that no one can be daft enough to answer this message.*


GREETINGS:

MAY I USE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO INTRODUCE MYSELF TO YOU MY NAME IS CHARLES TAYLOR (JNR) I AM THE SON OF FORMER PRESIDENT OF LIBERIA.  A COUNTRY IN WEST AFRICA, MY FATHER WHO IS CURRENTLY BEING HELD AGAINST HIS WILL BY THE UNTIED NATIONS FOR ALLEGED OFFENCES OF WAR CRIMES.  HE IS CURRENTLY FACING COURT TRIAL IN THE HAGUE IN NETHERLANDS.MY FATHERIS A GOOD MAN WHO TRIED TO DO SO MUCH FOR OUR PEOPLE LIBERIANS.  I AM CONTACTING YOU WITH THE BELIEVE  THAT WE WILL DEVELOP A CORDIAL BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WHICH WILL BE BENEFICIAL TO BOTH OF US.MY FATHER GAVE ME YOUR CONTACT WHEN I VISITED HIM ON THE 19TH OF NOVEMBER 2009.HE SAID THAT HE HAVE A LOT OF CONFIDENCE AND TRUST IN YOUR PERSONALITY.  MY FATHER KEEP THE SUM OF (ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY SEVE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAS) $177.MILLION USD. IN A BANKS SECURITY VAULT UNDER THE NAME OF HIS FRIEND A FOREIGNER FROM YOUR COUNTRY:  AS THE NEXT OF KIN TO THE DEPOSIT TO AVOID ANY TRACE .THIS FRIEND OF MY FATHER DIED ON 25TH JULY 2009 IN A MOTOR ACCIDENT.
MY FATHER DIRECTED ME TO USE THIS MONEY FOR INVESTMENT PURPOSES SPECIFICALLY IN YOUR COUNTRY.
I PROMISE TO GIVE YOU 30% OF THE TOTAL FUNDS FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE AND 10% OF THE PROFIT AFTER TAX FOR FIVE YEARS.

I AM CURRENTLY IN A REFUGEE CAMP HERE IN TANZANIA AND I HAVE MADE CONTACT WITH THE BANK MANAGER OF THE BANK WHERE MY FATHER DEPOSITED THE FUNDS.I HAVE ALSO INSPECTED THE FUNDS AND CONFIRM THAT IT IS STILL WITH THEM.I WILL GIVE YOU ALL THE DETAILS ON HOW WE WILL CLAIM THESE FUNDS UPON RECEIPT OF YOU RESPONSE.

I HAVE THE WHOLE DOCUMENTS FOR THE DEPOSIT .I THEREFORE SEEK YOUR ASSISTANCE IN TRANSFERING THIS FUNDS OUT OF TANZANIA.

BEST REGARDS.

CHARLES TAYLOR (JNR)

NOTE: PLEASE SEND ALL YOU'RE CONTACT INFORMATION THROUGH MY ABOVE FAX NUMBERS, AS SOON AS I RECEIVE YOUR CONTACT INFORMATIONS I WILL SEND ALL THE DETAILS ON HOW WE ARE GOING TO CONCLUDE THE TRANSACTION.



MY THOUGHTS:

--Are people really still falling for this type of thing?

--I must have a pretty crap memory because I don't remember ever meeting the President of Liberia, yet he says his father approves of my personality.

--I find the above somewhat troubling, as I don't think it is a good thing to have someone on trial at The Hague for War Crimes thinking I have a good personality...perhaps handy in that he might be slightly less likely to kill me, but otherwise not good.

--Was the fact that you want me to help a war criminal a selling point?

--I don't have any relatives that died in a motor accident, or on that specific date.  Think you've got the wrong long-lost relative.

--Refugee camps sure must be different in Tanzania! You have access to a fax machine and a telephone, apparently at all times! 

--If you are in a refugee camp in Tanzania, how did you contact the bank manager and inspect the funds?  Is the bank in the refugee camp?


Sorry, you won't be getting any of my "contact informations".  I already gave them to the solicitor from Nigeria -- he had better grammar and promised me more $$ via email.

Not Quite 27 Dresses

WARNING:  This post has a lot of pictures in it.  Sorry if that hurts your computer, or makes the page load very slowly.  Also, there are some bad words -- especially in the video at the end.  I have a bit of a potty mouth.  If that offends you, don't read or watch this.  If you have small impressionable children, keep them away from this.  Thanks, friends!

Everyone remember the scene from the movie 27 Dresses when she tries on all of the bridesmaid dresses?  It's one of my favorite parts of the movie.  Anyway, I decided to work on going through my closet and getting rid of stuff that I don't wear, or that I deem hideous. 

You can kind of convince yourself to keep things you really don't need or want.  Ladies, you know what I'm talking about -- that sweater you did not wear at all last winter, but it seemed like a perfectly good sweater, so you packed it away for the summer and then you got it out this winter and didn't wear it again, but you pack it away because it is still a totally good sweater.  The madness must stop!  I decided to bag up all of the things I no longer want and donate them all to the Good Will.

Sounds good, right?  As ruthless as I was trying to be, I ended up with this pile of things that I couldn't decide whether or not I should keep.  That's when it occurred to me that I should take a picture of myself wearing it, to see what it looks like to other people, and then decide whether I should chuck it or not.  I was inspired by the movie scene, when he tells her she looks like a shiny mermaid.  It worked really well, and was also kind of horrifying.

And then I remembered that I had a blog.  What is the internet for if not to embarrass yourself horribly in the hopes of entertaining other people?   **Disclaimer:  I know that I am not a super-model, or even a non-super-model.  Since this started out for my own amusement (and procrastination, if I'm being totally honest) I didn't bother putting on any make-up either.  So don't be an asshole, okay?**

 The shoulder pads make me look like a linebacker, and I kind of felt like I was playing dress-up.  Where did I even get this from, anyway?

This is so bad I am not even going to let you see the whole thing.  I look like I escaped from a Ren faire somewhere.  WTF was I thinking?

Crazy jacket with butterfly sleeves.  Kind of felt like a large bird of prey.

It's a jacket that was literally made out of a blanket, complete with suns, moons, and stars.  I'm like some kind of screwed-up Dumbledore. (Ignore the mess in the background, please -- I kind of destroyed my house in the process of cleaning the closet.)

No.  Just no.  I felt like the sweater was swallowing me.

In which I look like a magician on a cruise ship, or I should take lessons to be a geisha.

I look like an over-grown 5 year old. 

Leopard print is not my thing.  The droopy pony tails make it look extra sad.  And holy whiteness, Batman!  I match the freaking paint on the wall! 

Velvet jacket I never wear.  I kind of look like a thug.  Or that chick in the horror movie that crawls out of the television.

Yes, I know you aren't supposed to wear the sweater with the cowl flipped up.  The thing is ridiculously huge though -- it can be a hood.  Got to go.

Heavy wool sweater with short sleeves.  WTF is the point of that?  Also, you can totally tell this is one of the first pictures I attempted, cause it pretty much sucks.

So all of these things will now be going to the Good Will.  Hopefully someone will find them and love them and give them a good home.  Or use them as a Halloween costume.  Whatever.  

Bonus Time!

It took me for freaking ever to figure out how to get the timer on my camera to work.  I may have thrown out the instruction book at some point  I threw out the instruction book, probably when I was moving, which was stupid.  Anywho, while trying to get the timer to work I accidentally shot a video of myself.  Enjoy.  (There is sound, but you may have to turn the volume up.)