It's Not That Kind of Post

Hey Friends.

So, I kind of feel that the simple act of posting anything today obligates me to wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day.  There you go, Friends.

Be glad you even got that, as in this little corner of the world we are ignoring the holiday as much as possible and pretending it is just another Sunday. If your heart is filled with Valentine's joy and you are looking to read all about how wonderful love is, posts filled with fluffy bunnies and sunshine and rainbows?  This is not the place for you.

Sorry, Friends. I'm thrilled for you that you found your special someone.  I'm delighted they bought you beautiful flowers/candy/jewelry/vacations/ fill-in-the-blank-gift.  You deserve it.  I'm happy for you, really!  I know you're just feeling the love and sharing your happiness with everyone.  It's a beautiful thing.

I was tired of the holiday before it even arrived this year.  I feel like the stores and television commercials have been pushing Valentine's Day since Christmas. Nothing like almost two months of being constantly reminded that you are single to make you feel like a winner!

There is one thing I do enjoy about the holiday, and that is the plentiful varieties of chocolate that are available.  Chocolate is always good.  Not coffee-level awesome, but good.  I think it might be the only part of Valentine's Day I am good with...you know, assuming I had a guy to give me a gift.  And yes, I have had lots of time on my hands to ponder these things while watching all of the commercials, thank you very much.

Let me try and explain the warped logic that makes sense in my head.  I'll stick to the big three that seem to be the most popular gifts I've seen this year.

Flowers.  Flowers are nice.  I'm not saying I would be mad if someone gave them to me.  I know that I am crap at keeping them alive and looking pretty in a vase. They would wilt really quickly and then I would feel bad that the person spent all of that money on them.  I'd much rather get a bunch of wildflowers on some random day of the year.  Surprises are good, and the only expense is time and effort.  Plus, I feel like wildflowers are survivors -- they know how to grow in the cold, cruel world outside of a greenhouse and would have better odds of making it when left  to rely on me to remember to water them in a vase.

Jewelry.  First, are people really buying this many diamonds?  I saw so many commercials for diamonds this year it was amazing.  But I digress.  I love jewelry.  I wear it all the time, however none of it is expensive jewelry.  Expensive jewelry makes me nervous, Friends.  It would literally sit in my house and never be worn except for special occasions.  Well, unless it was a wedding ring, but even that would make me nervous.  I would constantly be worried about losing it or damaging it in some way.  Especially at work.  I wouldn't know what to do if presented with one of those Pandora charm bracelet things.  I don't like them.  Not at all.  They're entirely too cutesy for my taste. Plus, all the things dangling off my wrist would just be in the way, or begging to get tangled on a shirt, or caught on something, and then it would be broken, and then I would feel bad.  Hopefully a guy even contemplating buying me jewelry would know me well enough to know that.  (Figured I might as well get all of my jewelry-venting out while I was at it.)

Vacation.  On second thought, I could be good with this as well.  Who doesn't like vacation?  It could never be a surprise, though, as I would never be able to go.  No lie, my job is ridiculous when it comes to vacation time.  We have to chose for the year in like November/December.  After that it's like the Hunger Games: may the odds be ever in your favor.

There you go, Friends.  This is the drivel that goes on in my head.  Deep thoughts about shit that has no actually relevance in my life.

Before I go back to ignoring the holiday in its entirety, I will cop to having bought myself a gift of sorts.

It was delicious.

Happy Valentine's Day, all you loved-up people.

To my fellow single Friends: the day is almost over.  It should be safe to look at social media again in a few hours.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Hey, Friends.

I went to see the movie Pride and Prejudice and Zombies tonight.  In case you haven't already guessed at this point, I'm going to tell you how I felt about it.  I'll do my best to try and avoid any big spoilers for those who are going to go and see it, but it probably won't be entirely possible.

Therefore:

If you want to be sure to avoid any kind of spoilers, stop reading now!

I think I've made myself clear.

The movie was fun.  Was it spectacular, or even what I was expecting?  No. No it was not.

I love Jane Austen, but I am by no means a purist about her books.  Pride and Prejudice is a great story because the core of it is so strong that you can still successfully adapt it and change it. Human nature is human nature, no matter what time period. You can set it in the modern day and it would translate.  You can even add zombies and it will work.  I really enjoyed the novel version of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Seth Grahame-Smith.  Heck, I even read the graphic novel version as well. It still made sense even with zombie and ninja skills added in. (I'm going to refer to the movie and book of the same title as PPZ from now on, as I am already getting tired of typing the whole thing out every time.)

Now we are going to discuss the movie, Friends.  If you ignored my earlier warning, then you really need to stop reading now before I potentially ruin it for you.

Still reading?  It's your own fault from here on out.

I thought the actors were great.  The zombie make-up and effects were well done. If you're squeamish about the potential of lots of blood and gore?  You don't need to worry.  There really is not all that much of it, which would be a con if you were going into this thinking, "at least I'll get some good zombie violence."  No, you really won't.

My biggest problem with the movie is the plot.  I'm not talking about changes from the original Pride & Prejudice by Austen either -- that still manages to echo through.  I'm talking about changes from the book version of PPZ.  

When they say at the beginning that it is based on the novel, they are not kidding.  It is really loosely based on that book.  There might actually be more of the original book in the movie than the PPZ book.

Two of my favorite bits of the novel-version were left out entirely.  

1) The ridiculous idea that zombies could confuse cauliflower with brains.  I loved that part of the book, and if you accepted the fact that the zombies (also called "unmentionables", "dreadfuls" and "stricken") were dumb enough to fall for that ploy then it actually worked.  It kind of made sense as a readily-available means of protection.  It was just silly.  It kind of set the tone for how the book was going to go.

2) Charlotte Lucas.  Her whole plot line is pretty much non-existent in the movie version.  Just wiped away after her purpose is served in getting Elizabeth to meet Lady Catherine.  I was really sad that it wasn't included. Mr. Collins is probably happy bout it though, as it changed his role as well.

What was there was a hot mess and a lot of things that were not in the book at all. The least spoilery (is that a word?  It is now.) way to describe it is to focus on one character.

Wickham.  What the f%^k was up with that plot line?  Wickham and the gentlemen with the top hats.  I'm really trying to keep this as vague as possible so as not to ruin it for anyone -- even though they obviously cannot follow directions if they are still reading at this point.   That was ridiculous.  The novel version of PPZ gave him a much more fitting end.  I was with it up to a point. I was willing to go with it and see where it was headed.  The Big Reveal just wasn't big.  It was kind of obvious.  I'm pretty sure the point of the entire thing was to have an excuse to blow shit up, and have some epic zombie battle.  Except there really wasn't an epic zombie battle.  Don't even get me started on the bit at the very end with the credits.  That was asinine.  Way to jump the freaking shark.  I sincerely hope that was not meant to lead up to a sequel.  

Was it a fun movie?  Yeah.  I could have waited to see it on Netflix or dvd and would have enjoyed it just as much.  It had a couple humorous moments -- they still got Mr. Darcy to go swimming in a pond.  In my opinion, it failed to find the weird parody humor of the book.  It tried too hard to be a serious zombie movie, and then it didn't really deliver on that.

That's just my opinion, Friends.  Feel free to disagree with me.  By all means go see the movie if you wish.  I'm not trying to stop you. Maybe you'll feel the opposite and think it is the most awesome thing you have ever seen.

I Went to Explore and Found a New Friend

Hey, Friends.

As you know if you've been hanging around here for a while, I like to go on adventures and explore when the weather is nice.  I had the day off today, so why not get out and do something?  I'm trying to work my way through visiting all of the Scenic Hudson parks.  Not a huge goal, I realize, but it's still a goal.

Anyway, today I got it in my head that I should go check out Four-Mile Point Preserve.  (You can look it up yourselves at the link above.  I have full confidence in your ability to click a link.  You did find your way here, after all.)  I don't know why I randomly chose that one, but I did.  It's like an hour drive from here, and I was going to have Google Maps as my copilot once again.

My copilot behaved this time, and we (yeah, Google and I are a we now) were able to get there without incident.  I maybe should have looked at the website a little closer because it is the tiniest park I have been to so far.  I was kind of bummed to see that it was so small after driving all the way to get there, not going to lie.  It was still beautiful, though.  I imagine it would be gorgeous in the spring or summer.

So I was wandering around, taking some pictures.  I thought I had the place to myself since there were no other cars in the parking area.  Imagine my surprise when I walk up the one short trail to find a guy hanging out at the top, checking out the view.

There are a lot of different reasons people go to parks and just hang out.  Some, like myself, are just out to explore and see a new place.  Other people are looking for a little solitude and quiet reflection.  It can be weird when you bump into people like that.  Many will pretend you aren't even there.  I didn't know what this guy's deal was, so I stayed off to the side so as not to bother him.

I didn't need to worry, as my new friend Habib is quite the talker.  He's a really cool, down to earth dude.

He jumped right in by saying hello and asking if I'd ever been there before, did I know it was a place that the Native Americans used to live?  I told him I had never been there before.  He told me he comes here every day for an hour or two.  He's in the area visiting for a month for his daughter's wedding, and comes every day to see the natural beauty, and to keep in shape.  He told me he's 60 but he's really active -- he does push-ups and his jump roping while he's there, listens to his music, and he calls and talks to his family and friends in Tunisia, Italy, and Paris.  He asked why I was there, and I explained that I just wanted to check it out since I had the day off from work.  Of course that led him to a million questions about where did I work, where was that, what did I major in during college, etc.  He was just a chill, positive, chatty dude.

There's really no good way to explain Habib -- he's more like an experience.  The best I can do is share some of what he said today, and you can form your own opinions.

"I'm from Tunisia, you know in the Mediterranean? I grew up in an olive grove.  Then I lived in Paris, Italy, and now I live in Venice Beach.  You know where Tunisia is?  Yes, good!  You know! It's not he Middle East!  Everyone thinks it's the fucking Middle East."

"I like to come here because it's natural, untouched.  We don't have that in California -- we build right over everything.  I couldn't live here though.  I don't like this winter.  I'm too warm-blooded."

"Have you ever been to Venice Beach?  You've heard of it though!  It's a fucking zoo!  I leave my house everyday and boom!  People from all over the world, speaking a hundred different languages.  You're a writer, you would like it.  All those people to see.  Did you know it's only 12 blocks long?"

At that point I did say I thought it was bigger than that.

"Pfft!  That's the other part, the canals.  I'm not talking about that part.  The real part, the strip is 12 blocks.  Do you know when the tourists come we are the second biggest attraction behind Disney Land?  It's true!"

"I'm a professional hand-drum player.  You know the hand-drums?  I also do voice-over work for animations."

"I like the Obamas, The Clintons, and the Kennedys.  You know why?  Because they were inclusive.  They say 'Come with us!  We can do great things together!'  This Trump guy?  How the hell is he even running for President?  The man is an idiot.  He thinks that money is the answer to everything.  He thinks he can be President because it is a capitalist country.  He knows nothing about the world."

"Have you ever been to Texas?  Man, I was there for a trip and it is different!  They even have signs on the highway that say "Everything's Bigger in Texas"!  And they mean it!  Even the racism is bigger.  Bunch of fucking rednecks.  It's not like here or California."

And then I told him my brother lived in Texas.

"Yeah, but he's in the Tex-Mex part, near the Gulf.  The part I was in was a lot different.  All those wanna be rancheros.  Think they're real cowboys with their big trucks."

"You come into this world alone, and you die alone.  In the middle you have to look out for and take care of yourself.  You just take care of yourself, and the rest of it -- love, career, it will come to you. You are special, I can tell.  You are natural, a good person.  Don't let the assholes get to you.  Just believe in yourself and good things will come to you.  When someone gets in your face or says hurtful things, you just tell them to fuck off.  Say, "Save that drama for your mama!" "

"I'm not a religious man.  I believe there were three great men with important messages.  The first was Moses:  he led the Jews to freedom, parted the seas.  He brought hope.  Then there was Jesus: he was a hippie.  You need healing?  He'll help you.  Give you food.  Give you the clothes off his back.  He brought the help.  Then there was Mohammed: he brought peace.  That's what the Koran means, you know, peace.  Those terrorists?  They're not real Muslims.  They don't know shit about what they are talking about."

And then he started telling me all about his idea for a cartoon about dolphins.  And a detailed explanation about traditional weddings in Tunisia, and how he wanted to incorporate the two ideas together.  And he wants me to collaborate with him on writing it. "Like the Lion King, sort of."

"Do you smoke weed?  I do, but it's legal in California.  Helps the artist to see better."

"Where do you live?  Whoa, say it again!  How do you even spell Poughkeepsie?  I bet that's from a Native American word.  I love all the place names around here!"

"Why did you come here today?   I think it was a sign.  We are the only two people here on a beautiful day.  Neither of us even live here!  I think we were destined to meet.  Can I give you a hug, my friend?"

"I like Hudson.  Have you been there?  There's a street you would like, all kinds of book shops and cafe life.  I don't like Albany.  It's too dark."

That's the highlights, Friends.  We literally just hung out and talked about all kinds of random stuff for like 2 hours.  He's a cool dude.

And then he asked if I could give him a ride back to his daughter's house, and I said yes.  I know! What the hell was I thinking, giving a ride to a guy I just met.  He could have been a serial killer or a con man, who knows?  In retrospect it was probably a dumb thing to do, but he was such a nice guy it didn't even cross my mind that anything could go wrong. Turns out his daughter lived like a mile away, so it truly wasn't a big deal.

And then he asked for my zodiac sign.  Which, given recent events, was kind of strange.  I told him I was a Taurus, and he immediately asked if my birthday was in April or May.  I told him it's in May. (Seriously, am I the only one who doesn't know which zodiac signs go with what part of the year? Cause this is a bit ridiculous.)  And then he started laughing and something about the seventh house, and "Seven is Heaven!".  I didn't follow that part at all, and it must have shown, as he assured me it was kismet and nothing but good things.

And then he gave me his phone number and email so we can keep in touch.  He wants to get together again before he goes back to Venice Beach in a month so we can talk more about the animation.  He didn't even ask for my contact information.  He told me my destiny was what I make it, and fate is in my hands.  And that he's going out dancing in Saratoga Springs tonight, and tomorrow he leaves to go to Atlantic City with his cousins from Canada for a week.  But maybe after that we could get together again?

Dude is a trip!  It was an unexpected part of the adventure, but I really enjoyed talking with him.  I'm glad I randomly decided to go to that park this afternoon.

And no, Friends, he wasn't hitting on me.  Get your minds out of the gutter.  There was none of that kind of vibe coming from him.  He was just a nice guy, and I think he was happy to have some to talk to.

Oh, and I took a couple of pictures, since that was what I had planned on doing in the first place.

Pond Overlook

Hudson River view, where our chat took place

Fun With Comment Spam!

Hey, Friends.

I feel the need to share the comment that someone placed twice within a matter of minutes on the last entry I wrote.  It came from someone using the name Charles Marvin, and it claims to be on behalf of the Illuminati.  Yeah.  It's so blatantly a scam that I find it amusing.

*The only changes I made were to put it in italics to try to give it more panache, and I removed the contact info he provided so that no one would actually attempt to contact this person.* 

WELCOME TO THE GREAT TEMPLE OF ILLUMINATI WORLD RICHES. Are you a business Man, politician, musical, student and you want to be rich, powerful and be famous in life. You can achieve your dreams by being a member of the Illuminati. With this all your dreams and heart desire can be fully accomplish, if you really want to be a member of the great Illuminati then Once you join the brotherhood, you will be given $20,000,000,00 to start up any business you want to start up. call or whatsapp our agent via

It would be rude not to respond to an offer that is so life-changing that Charles felt the need to make it twice, right Friends?  At the very least he could perhaps get some constructive criticism out of it. I'm not about to contact him via his preferred methods, but perhaps he will stumble his way back here again and see a note if I leave it for him.

Dear Charles,

I would like to thank you for reading my last blog post, but I feel you don't deserve such credit.  I highly doubt you bothered to read a single word that was written before posting your comments.  It might be unfair, but I base this assumption entirely on the fact that your comments had nothing whatsoever to do with the content of said post. You hurt my feelings, Charles. You got my hopes up that my writing had truly resonated with someone, and then you dashed them against the rocks of callous, impersonal internet spam.  Would it kill you to at least put in the effort to appear to have read it?

I'm a nice person, Charles, so I did take the time to read what you wrote.  Since you went to all of the trouble of copying and pasting the same statement twice, I can only assume that it must be very important to you.  As such, I have a few thoughts I would like to share with you and the Brotherhood of the Illuminati in return.

1) I am not a "business Man", politician, or student.  I'm most certainly not a musical.  I think your offer is void right from the start.  Sorry, Charlie!

2) Does the Illuminati really recruit new members to their alleged ranks by random comments on blog posts?  I bet not.  I'd think that such a secretive organization (assuming it exists beyond myth) would be a little bit more selective in their membership recruitment process.

3) Whatsapp?  Really? 

4) How much money are you actually offering?  Your comma placement leaves a bit to be desired. Is that supposed to be 20 billion dollars and you just forgot a zero, or is that last comma meant to be a period and it's only a measly 20 million dollar offer?  There's a big difference. I think the Brotherhood might be a tad annoyed at your lack of specifics.

5) If the Illuminati have all of this money, why can't they hire someone to write comments that don't have to be deciphered?  I'm not saying that you have to have perfect grammar, but that's a hot mess. 

6) Would you happen to be related to CHARLES TAYLOR (JNR) who sent a fax to the library a while back?  I only ask because your writing style seems very similar.  Maybe it's just a coincidence that you both claim to be named Charles. It is a pretty common name, after all.

In closing, I am going to have to pass on your offer.  While it would be nice to be rich and achieve all of my dreams and desires, I think that such success would be more enjoyable when earned on my own.  

Sincerely,

Me

P.S.: I also deleted your comments, as this is quite obviously a scam. I'm not going to enable you to pull anyone into this bullshit by leaving your contact information lingering about where less savvy individuals could stumble upon it.  Sorry again, Charlie.  I'd wish you good luck in your endeavors, but I would be lying.

P.P.S. : If there really is an Illuminati -- you need to invest in some better PR.  This is just sad.