Thursday, December 24, 2015

In Which My Cat Might Be an Evil Genius

Hey Friends.

A while ago -- like two and a half years worth of a while ago -- I introduced you all to my cat Jazmine, also known as Jazz-kitty or Jazzie.  You can read about her here.

Isn't she cute?  Doesn't look like the face of a (potentially) evil, technologically-gifted genius.  

I already knew that given the right conditions Jazz-kitty was fully capable of taking a selfie.  She might actually be better at it than I am, which is sad.  She knows the sound my iPhone makes when I get a text and will look around for it.  For a cat she is a very tech-savvy little girl, and that's why I shouldn't really be so surprised by what she managed to pull off on Tuesday morning.

I had the day off on Tuesday since I have to work this Saturday.  (Boo!  Still not happy about working 3 weekends in a row.)  Normally when I have a day off I turn my phone to "silent" before I go to bed because I really want to sleep in.  That lesson was learned when I was on vacation visiting my family in Texas a few years ago and I got a text at an ungodly hour of the morning to tell me the library was closed for the day due to a storm -- like I really cared when I was on vacation.

Back to my point....

Normally I turn the phone to "silent", and it shut it in the drawer of my bedside table with my car keys.  Why?  I live alone.  In my warped little brain, it makes total sense to keep those things close at night.  If someone were to break in I could grab those things, try to grab the cats, jump out one of the bedroom windows, and still be able to call the police and/or get away in my car.  (Yeah.  I make plans for this shit.  Helps me to sleep at night.  No judging.)

As I was coming off working six days straight, I wasn't paying my normal attention when I went to bed Monday night.  Between work and the holidays I was exhausted.  I can't really place all of the blame on Jazz-kitty for being an evil genius because I screwed up and left the potential for the situation to happen.

Tuesday morning, at 5:42 am, I woke up to this blaring out of my phone.

I never thought Harry Belafonte would scare the shit out of me

Friends, you know that moment when you are startled from sleep, and your heart is racing and you think you could possibly have a heart attack?  Your brain is all fuzzy, and it takes you a moment to even realize where you are before you can even contemplate what the hell is going on?  Add to that the fact that I didn't have my glasses on or my contacts in, since I had been sleeping, and it was a blurry world of adrenaline-fueled confusion.

Where was the music coming from, and how was this even happening?  My only clue was the Jazz-kitty shaped outline in the dark, leaping from the top of the bedside table and bolting out of the room.  I probably scared her when I suddenly woke up and sat up in bed.  Of course, she also does that when she knows she is about to be busted for doing something naughty -- like knocking everything off the top of a book shelf because she feels she is not getting enough attention.  She loves to move things -- especially shiny, pretty things -- which is why the phone gets shut away.  

Where is Harry Belafonte coming from, and how do I make him stop singing!

Screw putting on glasses.  I just want to go back to sleep.  I has to be somewhere nearby because it is loud.

My first thought was my Kindle Fire, since I had been using it before I went to sleep.  Nope.  Screen is black and it is totally silent.

Well, it obviously isn't my alarm clock because I did not turn that thing on, and it would have made the wretched, much-hated beeping noise anyway.

It had to be my phone.  But how....

And then I noticed that the drawer that I put my phone in was not closed all the way.  It was open a few inches -- just enough for the screen of my phone to be visible.

Now, I can't swear that this is what happened, Friends, since I had been asleep, but this is the theory I have developed based on the context clues.

-- I made some mistakes.  I did not turn the phone to "silent".  I also must not have shut the drawer with the phone in it all the way.

-- Jazz-kitty has a deep and abiding fascination with my phone.  If it is left unattended she will touch it and move it given the chance.  It is shiny, and lights up, and vibrates, and makes noises.  She could also be the poster-child for the saying "curiosity killed the cat".  Have you had to pluck your cat off the top of a curtain rod she was using as a balance beam while watching birds outside?  I have.

--  I got several notifications that came through on my phone while I was asleep.  While they might have been silent (or at least not loud enough to wake me) they would make the face of the phone light up.

--  Jazz-kitty either heard the notifications, or saw the glow of the light coming out of the drawer since the room was dark.  Being a nosey-posey, she went to investigate.  Extra exciting because it was coming from the "Drawer of Things She Shouldn't Be Touching".

The next part has me a bit stymied, and it is where the Evil Technological Genius factor comes into play.

-- I have a passcode on my phone.  It locks after a minute.  It had been hours since I last used the phone.  Even if she tapped on a notification, it would still need the code.  That means she somehow managed to bypass the lock, find the music, and randomly get it to start playing a song.  How the hell is that even possible?

And that's where my theory runs out.  

The only other thing I've found to explain it is this. (Thanks, Google!)  Now, I have an iPhone 4s, but maybe the same thing could happen?  I've never had it spontaneously start playing music before, but I suppose if a curious Jazz-kitty shook it around enough it could do it.

Or it could be Apple's way of telling me I really need to update my phone.

Or my phone is possessed.  There's probably a reason the previous home owner left rosaries hanging in the cellar.  I don't know what kind of bad juju they are keeping at bay, but I have left them right where they are.

Keep up the good work!

So I'm going with Jazz-kitty being a tech-genius.  That's far less disturbing than some of the other possibilities.  (And I really love my phone, and I'm hoping this isn't a sign that it is on its last legs.) 


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