What Is the Point?

Hey, Friends.

Did you have a good day?  I know it was a Monday.  Hopefully it wasn't too bad.  I'm actually in a pretty good mood, which might be hard to tell after reading this post.  Consider that your warning. This is probably going to wind up as kind of a rambling rant.  If you're in a good mood, you might want to skip out now.  Maybe you find my blathering amusing and can't wait to see what set me off this time.  Your choice.  I wash my hands of all responsibility if you choose to read on beyond this point.

There are many things that have contributed to this airing of grievances list of complaints discussion, but it can be most easily covered regarding Instagram. (We'll go with discussion, since you are free to agree or disagree in the comments!)

"But you love Instagram!"  I do, Friends, I do.  Probably more than I should.  That does not mean that it and/or its users are infallible.

Before we get to the rant/ramble portion of things, let's start with this:

For those unfamiliar with Instagram (and I really don't know who that would be at this point), that is what I see when I look at my Instagram profile.  I honestly don't think anybody was unaware that this was my account.  I post stuff here pretty regularly, and to my Twitter and Facebook accounts, which is where most of you fine folks are coming from. If there was any confusion then consider this to be me lifting the veil of mystery and clarifying it for you.  Ta da!

This brings us to the first item of our discussion, Friends.

Public vs. Private

My account is public.  That means I don't care who can see my photos or my profile.  If I did, I certainly wouldn't be posting it here.  

• I'm never going to post something that I would not be cool with the whole world seeing. If you're that worried about it, you probably shouldn't be posting it anywhere on the internet.
• I like people being able to discover my pictures, just as I love to discover other accounts.  There are some incredibly creative people in the world.

That's really all it comes down to, for me.  There are many reasons why people may choose to have a private account, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  Whatever makes you comfortable.

Since my account is public, I have actually been contacted a few times by people asking permission to use my images.  First, the fact that they actually asked permission and gave credit is amazing! I can't even tell you how many stories I have heard about people having their work used without permission -- and I'm not talking solely about Instagram on this matter. Every time someone asks it usually results in a mixed reaction on my part: squeeing in excitement and doing a little dance of joy (which I can totally get away with as I live alone and there are no witnesses to silence later) and disbelief that someone actually wants to use one of my pictures.  On purpose.  Where other people will see it. It doesn't happen very often, but it's a pretty cool feeling.

Side note, Friends:

It's never okay to use someone's work without their permission, or to take credit for it, or to leak it online.  Let's take a trip to the music industry for a hot second. Just because you paid $1.29 for a song on iTunes does NOT give you the right to then upload it to a website and cheat the artist out of future sales.  You're a horrible person if you post songs that haven't even been released yet.  

And we're back.

If someone has set their account to private, that means they are probably going to be a little bit selective as to the people they give access to viewing it.  If you make the cut, consider it a privilege. The person either knows you or trusts you enough to let you in.  This in no way gives you permission to share their posts all over the place. Not only is that reprehensible and rude, it makes you an asshole.  Why? I'm guessing it was not done with any consideration for the person you are actively screwing over.  I would assume that in 99% of the cases it was done to try to make yourself look cooler by sharing something private, or because you want to use it against them -- these are not mutually exclusive, either.  If someone allows you to follow their private account?  Keep it private. Consider it your job to prove that their trust in you was not misplaced.

Followers

Remember the picture above?  I have 309 followers, at the moment. You can see that clearly listed, and it will show up if you were to look at my profile.  I'm perfectly happy with that number.

What annoys the hell out of me are the spam messages that get posted as comments -- more so on Instagram, but it happens on Twitter as well at times -- offering me "followers".  I tried being polite at first, when it looked like it was posted by an actual person, and explaining that I wasn't interested. Didn't get any results. Now I just block the accounts.  This can turn into a mess very quickly, I've learned, as blocking one account sometimes leads to multiple other spam accounts finding you.  

I have 309 followers.  Do you honestly think that is because no one has ever made me such a grand offer before? 

 "Thousands of "real followers" for free!  Just click the link in my account!"

 "Buy 10,000 followers!"

"Click the link in my bio to learn the secret to getting thousands of followers!"

No.  No to all of it.  I have zero interest in your bullshit.  I prefer to have actual people who like the things I post and choose to see more as my followers. Many of them are friends and family which is very nice.

I do not, and probably never will, understand the fixation people seem to have with the number of "followers" they have on Instagram or Twitter.  What the hell is the point?  Do you sleep better at night knowing you got more followers that day?  Are you somehow a better or cooler person than everyone else that has fewer followers?  

There are actually apps that exist to help you track this crap!  I've seen the posts on people's Twitter accounts when they pop up in my timeline:  "3 people followed me and 5 unfollowed me this week powered by whatever-the-app-is-called."  Why is it that important?  And if you are really that obsessed with knowing, why in the world would you want to post it in public?  I can see the appeal if you are a business and trying to gauge your market.  But as just a regular person?  I feel a little bad for you. There are a lot more important things in life than the number of people who do or do not "follow" you on social media.

The Porn Accounts

Do you get these, Friends?  I can't be the only one seeing these.  Someone randomly adds you or likes a photo.  I have few enough "followers" that I can and will click on the profile to see if it is:

 a) someone I know and I don't recognize the user name

 b) an actual account and not some random spam shit

 c) someone whose posts I dig and might want to follow back.

I cannot tell you how frequently it leads me to an account of a scantily clad woman. There are either a few pictures of half-nakedness going on, or it is a "private" account.  The bio is almost always some variation of an offer to click a link to view their webcam.  Sometimes they go all out and have a bio with their age, sign, etc.

I don't know why I get these things -- I'm sure it's a bot and because my account is public. My user name is pretty generic.  It's not like I post anything remotely like that myself.  

I'm not your intended audience, scantily clad porn bots.  I'm a heterosexual female. I have absolutely no interest in what you are selling.  You will be blocked immediately.  I don't want your creepy comment lingering on my picture.  My nephews use Instagram.  I don't need them randomly finding your account via mine either.  That is not a conversation I want to have with my brother and sister-in-law.  

The Comments

This is really more about my fellow users of Instagram than Instagram itself.

Reminder, kids:  If you comment on a post, other people can see that.  Even if your account is set to "private", if you comment on a public picture it will be visible to all. Maybe you were already aware of that fact.  You might want to think carefully about what you are saying and/or how you are phrasing it.  Better yet, maybe think twice about whether you want to post it at all.

I'm a comment reader, I will admit it.  I read comments on other accounts.  I don't do it all of the time.  Sometimes I'm intrigued by the caption they used and want to see the reaction they are getting. It might be a political post.  It might be an account with millions of followers, and their post got like 784 comments in 5 minutes -- gets me curious as to what that many people could possibly have had to say that quickly.

It's not always a good decision on my part to read the comments.  Sometimes it is amusing, many times horrifying.  People do not hold back on their opinions, for good or for ill.

Just use your brain if you're commenting.  Be sure of what you want to say before you post it.  You might not get any response from the person who posted the photo, but I've seen a lot of instances where it struck a nerve with another user and ugliness ensued.  No one needs your squabbling in their comment section, and no one involved ever comes out the better for it.

Also, please try to remember that there is such a thing as privacy.  Yes, someone may have posted a public photo.  Whatever information they chose to share about it in the caption is what you get. Didn't give a location?  They don't have to. Doesn't matter how curious you are about it.  You can ask, but don't be rude if you don't get an answer. Did they post something that intrigues you about their personal life?  Doesn't matter.  If they wanted you to know, they would have shared that fact with you. You are not entitled to know.  Trying to suss out whether the other person in the photo is a significant other or a sibling?  None of your damn business.  If they want you to know, they will share that information with you.  I don't care if it is the biggest celebrity you can think of, or how much of their life they share with the public -- they still deserve their privacy and to share what they wish.  

Sorry, that last bit was a rant.  It's a pet peeve of mine.  Everyone has different comfort levels on what they choose to share and what they wish to keep private.  That should be respected regardless of who you are.  I've always thought of it more as being thankful for what people choose to share with me.  

Let's just end it here, Friends.  I think I'm about out of steam for rambling and ranting at the moment. Maybe you agree with me, maybe you don't.  You have the option to comment.  I promise I'll read them, even if I don't respond.

Give yourself a cookie if you actually made it this far reading through all of this.  

I Might Be a "Depressing Little Snowflake"

Hey, Friends.

It's that time of year where everyone everyone starts reflecting on the year: did they learn anything, any major life accomplishments that occurred, plans for the future, etc.  This is a little bit of that, but also a story, and it includes a request for feedback.  Oh, and it all centers around Instagram. Intrigued yet?  I sure hope so, because I kind of need you to read until the end and give me some feedback, if you have some time to spare.

Let's start with the story first.

I was at a soiree recently, and was chatting with a guy I had been introduced to at said event.  I've seen him at other things before as we share a mutual friend.  So we're chatting, and it becomes very clear that he knows more about me than I know about him (especially since I didn't even know his name until we were introduced.)

He brings up Instagram, of all things, and tells me that I take really good pictures. It's always nice to get compliments, and I didn't think much of it as my Instagram is public and meant for anyone to see. It was where he went from there that started to get a bit strange, at least in my opinion.

He told me that I was a "depressing little snowflake" because so many of my pictures were dark, or taken in the evening or at night. Then he declared that I must be "one of those Emo people" because I was wearing black during the holidays. Yeah.

Suffice it to say that we did not chat long, and I'm proud of myself for not telling him that he must be one of those assholes who likes to draw conclusions about people based solely on an Instagram account and an outfit.  I tried very hard to be polite and keep it civil since we do have a mutual friend and I will most likely end up seeing him again in the future.

And yes, I was wearing black during the holidays.  I like black.  I wear it all year long.  This is not new and is not going to change.

Moving right along to Part II of our journey here today, Friends...

As we are near the end of the year, and we are talking about Instagram already, I decided to go back through and find the post from each month of the year that got the most "likes".  They might not be my favorites, or even the ones I think were my best, but they were the most popular.  There are 14 in total, since a couple of months had a tie score.  I'm going to share them with you below, and hopefully they don't make you think I am a "depressing little snowflake."

Not a good way to start on the whole "not a depressing little snowflake" front, I realize.

Do they really strike people as sad or depressing?  Sunsets are beautiful, as is the way light causes reflections on water.  

Moving on to Part III of our purpose here today...

I need some feedback from you, Friends.  I was talked into participating in a staff art display at work. I would like your assistance in choosing which pictures I should use. If you have time, I could really use suggestions on which ones you like the best -- not just from the group above, but from anything found on my Instagram account here:  https://www.instagram.com/tmyers526/

I've already chosen one, as I was asked to provide one for the newsletter at work.  I decided on this one, as it was taken at the library.

Peonies in the rain

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated, Friends.  Obviously, I'm biased and like all of them as I took them and shared them with the world.  I have more that I didn't post and can choose from as well, but I'd like to get as wide a variety of opinions as possible.  You can comment here, or on Facebook or Instagram, or even hit me up on Twitter at @tammyshampoo.  Even if you only have time to pick one, that would be tremendously helpful in narrowing it down.  Hell, tell me you think they all suck monkey balls if you feel like being painfully honest.

Thanks for reading, Friends.  And thanks so much in advance if you have a moment to help me out!  

Phone Notes Part IV

Hey, Friends.

Yup, it's time for more Phone Notes!  Or, if I'm being totally honest about the situation, we should really be calling this:

Things I Meant to Write About, Didn't Have Enough Time to Write About, and Then Promptly Forgot About

Doesn't sound quite as good, even if it's true.  These are the things that get swept by the wayside.  I obviously thought enough of them at some point to bother to make a note about them, fully intending to do something greater with them.  Although, I honestly don't know what the hell I was thinking with some of these as there is no way to expand upon it.  Think of it as a peek into what I thought was worth saving at the moment -- whether because it seemed amusing, important, or terribly deep at the time.  

Now a word for our newer Friends...

Hi there.  Phone Notes is something that has happened here a few times. There is no set pattern. Usually it occurs when I realize I have a crap-ton of stuff on my phone that I really should just clean out.  Rather than just delete it and send it into the void, I share it here with all of you.  I'm not saying there will be any ground-breaking revelations here.  You might even get done and wonder why you bothered to read my nonsense in the first place, and rethink how you could have better spent those precious moments of your life.  I hope it's not the latter, but I realize that it is a possibility.

So let's get to it, kids.  I don't remember the context -- or what particularly set me off if it's a rant -- for a lot of these tidbits.  When I do, I'll flesh it out a bit with additional information and/or commentary that looks like this. You will otherwise be getting exactly what I put in my phone, edited slightly to make it easier to read -- like fixing typos and auto-corrects, and adding punctuation so it isn't just a big blob of text.


1) We're starting with one in which I know exactly what was going on, so be proud.  I was on the train with my niece, Lili, headed to see Twenty One Pilots at Madison Square Garden.  I had used the app to buy the train tickets on my phone, but she didn't know that. She started asking questions about what happened if you got on the train without a ticket.  I told her I didn't really know -- I assume they just kicked you off.  It took me a second to realize that she was asking because we hadn't stopped to buy tickets, but once I explained that we had tickets she was good. The Universe, however, seemed to have heard her question and decided to give her an example, up close and personal.

People sitting right behind us on the train have no tickets.  Guy said the chick with him had them, but she had gone to use the bathroom.  One stop later she's back & conductor asks for tickets.  She doesn't have them.  They say they have no cash, no cards, no way to pay.  Conductor asks for ID. They say they don't have that either.  Conductor leaves and says he'll be back.

Conductor comes back at Garrison stop.  Tells them they have to get off here -- they aren't going to Grand Central.  Guy starts cursing and refuses to get off the train.  Conductor says we will all sit here while they call the cops to remove them.  Another conductor gets involved.  Magically she now has the ability to pay, but now her account will be "fucking negative".

Lili abandons me and puts on her headphones.  3 stops later and they are still fighting (loudly) about how this is all his fault.  Her account is "fucking negative" because he wouldn't stop at the bank on the way to the train.  She wants $44 at least to cover the ticket and the charges for going negative....

Still arguing half an hour later.  Apparently they have to catch a flight to Miami.  He has to be at work by 11?  Now she wants $80 and why did she even have to come here in the first place.  He says something about it being his birthday, and she says, "Well, it's not your fucking birthday anymore!"

**Now I'm curious: do they actually have plane tickets?  They have no luggage.  And if they didn't bring any ID, like they said, how the hell do they plan on boarding a plane?**

Fighting starts again as we near Grand Central.  She is still carrying on about her account going negative.  He loses his cool and says that he bought the plane tickets, he pays for everything when they are in Miami, what is her problem, it's his birthday and he wanted to see her, etc. She says he still owes her $44.  He finally snaps and yells at her to "Please, just shut the fuck up about the $44! You know I'll pay you back when we get there!"  And it seems to work.  For the last 5 minutes on the train I don't have to listen to them having the same endless argument.

2)  3/7/16 10 pm.  I'm seriously craving raspberry Jell-O right now.  I can't even begin to reason why. I haven't had Jell-O in ages.  Something about the idea of raspberry Jell-O just seems so perfect and I'm truly bummed by my inability to make this happen.

3) 4/16/16 @ 1:20 pm.  WRRV song played at 12:50 pm.  Random, but I know why I did this.  I must have been driving somewhere in my car, really liked the song they played, and jotted down the time so that I could attempt to look it up on the Song History later on their website.  Technology defeats me on many occasions.  I went from a car with a broken cassette player to one that has bluetooth, and plays from my phone, and has Sirius.  Totally skipped the whole CD player phase. While being awesome, it thwarts me when I want to use my phone to identify a song.  I've tried it several times (while parked, not driving) and it never works.  As soon as I touch my phone it either assumes I want to make a phone call, or it starts playing the music I have on my phone. I cannot get it to cooperate and just let me Shazam or ask Siri for the song. So now I am reduced to making notes and looking it up later.  And no, I have no idea what song inspired this.  I'm assuming I really like it though.

4)  "I like Britney Spears, but she sounds like a little girl when she sings." -- My nephew, the  9 year old music critic.  

5)  Found this in the donations at work:

A whole book about it. And no, I didn't read it. Is this true, guys?  Seems like poor decision making if you are actively choosing to marry someone because she is a bitch.  Then again, I'm single so what the hell do I know.

5)  I've got nothing on this next one.  I've no idea what I was looking at, but I'm assuming I was randomly flipping through Instagram late at night.  You know, when I should have been sleeping.

Did you ever look at someone's Instagram account, and it seems like every day they are at some amazing place or fabulous party?  I often wonder how much of that is real.  Like, did they really go to this crazy party and then climb a mountain the next day, or did they go to that party for like 5 minutes to take the picture and make themselves seem cool on social media?  I mean, maybe they really have the energy to do that kind of stuff every single day.  I don't know.  It makes me wonder what actual reality is versus what they want everyone to perceive as their life.

I don't know where I'm going with this.  If it's all spot on and accurate, then congratulations on your wonderful life.  If it's not, and this is all planned and choreographed to make yourself more popular on social media?  Then I feel bad for you, and a little bit worried.  Your self-worth should never be dependent on the number of "followers" you have, or how many "likes" your last picture got.  Yeah, it's a nice ego-boost, but don't make it the sum total of who you are.  I don't know you.  I don't even follow you.  But I hope you know you are more than that.

6)  You know those people who always seem to be in a good mood?  Like they are perpetually perky?  Normally it's cool.  I can even admire their spirit when they try to find the silver lining in a bad situation.  Other times they annoy the hell out of me and I kind of want to slap them back to reality with the rest of us.  I'm guessing I was in a bad mood.  Sorry.  I'm not a saint.

7)  Yesterday morning, on the way to work.  My mind was clearly blown.  Just got a bagel for breakfast.  They toasted it, and then they put butter on it before they put on the cream cheese.  Seemed weird, and I assumed they screwed it up, but OMG.  How have I not been doing this my entire life? I know it's just extra grease, essentially, but it was so unctuous and satisfying.  Or maybe I really enjoy butter in the morning more than I ever realized.

8)  Now you're in for a treat, Friends.  I found an old voice memo on my phone.  I was clearly irked with the behavior of some people on Twitter, but I honestly couldn't tell you now who it was that sent that final message that made me snap.  I'm guessing I probably don't follow them any more.  Added bonus (if you want to consider it that): you can hear me curse, and breathe loudly, because I apparently held the phone very close in the moment.

Listen to me rant! You know you want to!

And there you have it, Friends.  These are the kinds of things I find relevant enough to make notes about.  If you are just dying to see more of these little forgotten moments, you can find the previous installments of Phone Notes here:  The classic, original phone notes, Phone Notes II: Electric Bugaloo, and Part III.

Thanks for reading.  I hope you enjoyed our time together, reliving the flotsam of my mind. Don't feel obligated to click on those links.  It's really just the short version of the stuff I post here all of the time, except I didn't attempt to pretty it up or expand upon it.  I doubt it will give you deep insights into my warped mind.  Or maybe it will -- I honestly don't know.  I'm pretty sure you can get more than enough of my ramblings just by scrolling back through old posts.

In Which Instagram's #WHP Kicks My Ass

I love Instagram.  Some might say a little too much.  I'm not one of the people taking pictures of every meal they eat, or endless "selfies".  I tend more toward trying to capture places, or events, or nature -- trees in autumn, the way a moss-covered statue sort of blends in with its surroundings, the Dead End sign directly in front of a cemetery.  You get the idea.

If you are not familiar with Instagram, every Friday they post a Weekend Hashtag Project (#WHP).  They give you a topic or idea that you are supposed to work with over the weekend, and then you post your photo or video using the hashtag they have assigned.  It is really pretty cool to see how creative and inventive people can be, how many different ways people can interpret the same prompt.    At the end they feature what they think are the best submissions.

I try to enter when I have the time to do it.  I actually did get chosen as one of the featured submissions once, when they first rolled out the video feature.  The number of people "following" me went from like 12 friends and family members to a couple hundred.  It was insane!  Also, it happened while my niece and nephew were here visiting, so I got to be "cool" in front of them.  Thanks, Instagram!  Here is the video, if you'd like to see it.


This weekend Instagram posted a project to submit a video shot in slow motion. #WHPslowmotion  Excellent!  I really want to try this.

Except I have no idea how to shoot in slow motion. Best go back and read that write-up again, as I think it gave suggestions on how to accomplish this.

Okay, so it would appear that I need to get an app, since I don't have an iPhone 5S.    They suggest SloPro.  I assume Instagram knows what they are talking about, that this is the best one to use, so I get the app.

Now the hard part: what am I going to shoot that will look cool in slow motion?  Birds!  Birds flying in slo-mo will be pretty neat.  This, as it turns out, will be the easiest part of the whole project.  I stake out the birds in my back yard, and I record them.

Footage, check!

Now to use the SloPro app.

Not going to lie, I wasted quite a bit of time on this part.  Not a lot of directions or help were included on what the hell you are supposed to be doing to edit your footage.  Eventually I figure out how to clip it down to a more usable length.  I was a little nervous that I was probably going to screw up the only usable video I had might make a mistake, and I didn't see an "undo" feature.  Also, there was a wee bit of poor planning on my part.  While recording my bird footage, I kind of spaced on the fact that it was going to take longer to watch in slow-motion.   Yeah.  Little oopsie on my part.  Turns out a minute and a half of footage is way more than you could ever possibly need for a 15 second Instagram video in slow motion.

Moving on.

After a large amount of time -- more than I will ever admit to here -- I get it down to 28 seconds of slow motion video.  Alright, feeling good!  I just want to save it to my camera roll.  I'll pick the 15 seconds to show when I post it to Instagram.   Except, as it turns out, you can't just save it to your camera roll.  You can post it to several places -- Vine, Viddy, Youtube, to name a few -- but not save it to your iPhone.  The option is there, but it is not available.

I click on it anyway.  Turns out you have to buy the app for $3.99 to be able to save to your camera roll.  Mother f@#$ing figures.  You win, SloPro, you win.  I just wasted hours of my life too much of my time on this to not be able to save the damn video.  Here's your money.  Just let me save my damn video.

Now I go to Instagram to post.  Beautiful, lovely Instagram where everything makes sense and there are no problems.  I get the video, I chose the part I want, get all the way to the preview and what the heck has happened to my video?!?!  It looked fine when I was choosing which part I wanted to use, but in preview it looks completely distorted.  I don't have the slightest idea what happened.  It looks almost like I shot it with a fish-eye lens.  I know what I am supposed to be viewing, and I am hard pressed to tell what I am looking at.  I didn't use a filter for fear of messing things up, but something has gone horribly wrong in any case.

I will spare you the gory details where I cursed out SloPro many, many times.  After repeatedly saving different versions of the video, and getting the same spectacularly screwed up results when trying to post to Instagram, I was more than a little frustrated.  I had also spent too much time on this to NOT post this freaking video.  I had it saved to my camera roll now, so maybe I just needed a different app to get it to be normal when I use it with Instagram.

As much as I was hating SloPro at the moment, they might also have helped me dodge a bullet.  Poor planning point #2:  I totally forgot about the background noise.  After watching the same slo-mo bird video over, and over, and over, I realized that the soundtrack was a scintillating composition created of equal parts of me breathing and the melodic sound of traffic on the highway in the distance.  Yes, it did warn about that in the initial Instagram post.  No comments from the peanut gallery.  No one likes a know-it-all.

Fantastic.  Time to hit up Google and find out how to add music to an Instagram video.  I cannot post this video the way it is.  One of the first results is for the app Video Star.  It's got good ratings and, best of all, it is free. I like free, especially after having to bribe SloPro to let me save my video.

So I get the Video Star app.  This looks a little more complicated than I anticipated.  However, to their credit, they have an easy to find Help section, and lots of tutorials for doing fancy things to videos.  It's really a shame that I do not care about multi-layered anything at this point.  I just want to put some music to my damn bird video and post this shit to Instagram.  Is that too much to ask?

Yes, yes it is.

I get the snippet of music I want to use with the video.  Turns out you can take it directly from the music on your phone.  Fantastic!  I thought that was going to be the hard part, that I was going to have to scour the internet for free music that wasn't going to get me sued into oblivion for using it.  What I cannot find, however, is the option to use a video that I already have on my phone.

I waste a lot more time reading through the "how to create a video" section and watching tutorials.  I don't see anything about using a video you already have on your phone.  I'm pretty sure that I could now create a video of my cat sleeping, complete with computer generated flowers blossoming around the edge of the frame, while the dulcet tones of Metallica's Enter Sandman speed her off to little kitty dreamland in the background.  What I cannot figure out how to do is use a video that I already have on my damn phone.

Back to Google we go.  I literally searched "how to import video from iphone to videostar".  My brain was shot by this point.  I just wanted this over and the video posted.  I find a review of the app, and it is there that I learn that you cannot import video that you have already taken.  Are you kidding me?  Are you freaking kidding me?  GAAHHHHH!!!!!

The same lovely review mentions that iMovie is still the best for doing fine editing, adding music, using video you already have, and probably some other stuff but I stopped reading at that point.  iMovie, you say?  I really hope that isn't something you can only get when you buy an Apple computer.  Back to the App Store we go to search for iMovie.

Success!!  Thank you Apple for having an app for that!

And it costs $4.99.

Screw it.  I'm buying it.  I do not care how much it costs at this point!  This sounds like the magical app that is going to solve all of my problems.

So I open iMovie.  I swear to God a choir of little angels should have been playing!  Thank you Apple for making it pretty damn self-explanatory and easy to use.  You can hit one freaking button and get prompts for what everything on the screen does.

Apple, I love you so much right now.  

No lie, using iMovie it took about 15 minutes to edit that video and add music.  Saved it to my camera roll, posted it to Instagram, and it all worked perfectly.  Perfectly!!  If I could reach into my phone and hug an app right now I totally would.

When I think of how long it took to do this, the wasted time and effort I spent on this stupid "fun" project, I could cry.  And the video?  Not anything spectacular.  But I did it.  I realize there are probably pre-teens out there who can knock out a much better video in a fraction of the time, probably with one hand tied behind their back and blindfolded.  I do not care!  I freaking did it!

Here is the masterpiece.  Try not to be overcome by how spectacularly boring it is.  Or to wonder how in the world it took me so long to only come up with this as the result.

 Click to view my labor of love. The bane of my existence. You know you want to. Click me!!

In summary:  Just buy iMovie and save yourself a world of trouble.

**Turns out you can make a whole slow-motion video on iMovie in seconds too -- from start to finish.  Just discovered that now.  F@#$ing figures.**