Sunday, September 20, 2015

Shower of Terror

aka Motherf%*king Spiders in My Motherf%*king Shower

Here's some music to set the mood, as it is all that has been going through my head since this happened.

This was going to be a nice post about the Street Fair I worked at today, but that has now changed.  It changed because the ninja spider from my last post wasn't dead!  Yeah.  Apparently that was just wishful thinking on my part.

At least, I assume it was the same ninja spider. 

It better have been the same one.....No.  We're going to go with it being the same ninja spider from before because I don't even want to think about this being the vanguard of some Giant Spider Army that is coming in through the shower.  

I know this is going to sound like some made-up bullshit, but I swear it just happened, and it freaked me the hell out.  The spiders have upped their game to the next level!  Sneaky bastards.

So, I'm in the shower.  I had left the Croc in there as protection as I still wasn't sure if the ninja spider was dead or regrouping his strength somewhere.  I'd been in there about 15 minutes or so -- already washed the hair, had the conditioner soaking in -- taking care of other shower business.  As you do.

I'd been in there for a while is my point.

I accidentally drop the cap to my conditioner, and it bounces off the Croc.  I bend down to pick it up, face close to the Croc, and I watch in horror as the ninja spider crawls up out of the Croc.

I froze.

Holy shit, the ninja spider is in the shower with me! And it is on the damn Croc! The Croc I am supposed to be killing it with!!

Not gonna lie, I felt very betrayed that the Croc of Protection was, in fact, harboring the enemy.

What am I going to do?  I'm freaking naked, with a head full of conditioner, and my weapon of choice has turned traitor on me.

I'm thinking the shampoo must have gotten to him, or he was very busily trying not to drown, because ninja spider was not on his A-Game tonight.  Oh, he had the element of surprise -- but his moves weren't there after that.

Thankfully, he seemed to need a minute to adjust and just froze, clinging to the top of the Croc.  I seized the moment to pick up my biggest bottle of shampoo and attempt to smash him to bits.

I was pretty sure I got him, but he managed to crawl through a hole back into the Croc, valiantly trying to gain shelter.

I stared him down, looking for any sign of movement while washing the conditioner out of my hair as fast as possible.

Shower time is over!  I am not fighting this spider naked.  I will at least be wearing a towel, thank you very much.

Ninja spider still wasn't moving.  Did I finally manage to kill it?

Clad in my towel and still incredibly freaked out, I ran and grabbed my phone to shoot video.  I know no one is going to believe this shit happened to me.  How many spider confrontations can one person have in their shower?!

**Warning: the following brief video contains some swearing, which really shouldn't be a surprise at this point.  Also some loud breathing as I was in full-on panic mode at that point.  And I kind of forgot what the heck I was washing out of my hair.  I said shampoo, but it was really conditioner.**

Yes, I do have yellow duckies on the bottom of my tub to prevent slipping.  Shush.  Not the point.

He was dead.  Although I did wait a few more minutes before scooping his lifeless body out of the Croc with copious amounts of toilet paper.  He has now been flushed away and can go join his Giant Spider friend in the Great Beyond.

I'm sure I have a lot of conditioner that is still lingering in my hair.  I was all about speed of exiting the Shower of Terror, not about the thoroughness of the hair rinsing. No way I am getting back in that shower tonight.  I'm going to consider it an extra-deep conditioning treatment.

I need to buy more Spray of Death.  Any more Giant, Fast, Ninja Spiders show up I need to take them out in the first round.  No more wondering if the opponent is dead. And definitely no more naked mid-shower rematches.  Croc the Betrayer is now outside on the back steps.  It can dry out there over night and think about what it has done.

I need a drink.

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