Guilty as charged, Friends.
However, before you get too excited about this, please know that it is only happening because I have once again been traumatized by my nemesis -- the spider. Click here if you need a refresher on how much I hate spiders. Well, you can get excited about it, I guess. I do like the fact that you must enjoy reading my ramblings, even if they are happening in the middle of the night because I have been freaked the hell out.
All I wanted to do was take a shower and relax, maybe try out the new shampoo that they gave me when I got my hair cut. This should not be an earth-shattering or complicated affair.
I pulled back the shower curtain and started to reach for the tap when I saw it: a spider had set up camp and made a web right by the faucets. It literally did this in the last few hours. It was absolutely not there the last time I looked at the shower. He's just chilling, dangling his creepy ass right there.
You best believe I did a quick check to make sure it wasn't the big, fast one that I defeated in the last battle. It couldn't be! I killed him multiple times over, and flushed him. No, this one is not as big. This is a new intruder.
I left the bathroom. Retreating is always a good option whilst planning out your strategy, right? Maybe he will get bored and move along, back down to the cellar where he belongs.
Nope. I left him there for about an hour. He hadn't budged. I tried yelling at him, making lots of noise in the near vicinity in the hopes the sound would scare him away. No dice.
I don't have any more of the Spray of Death. Shit! I haven't had any problems with the wasps lately, and I honestly never expected to have to defend the bathroom from another giant spider -- at least not so soon. I hadn't resupplied on Death Spray.
Time to grab a shoe.
But the creepy thing is in a weird spot. I need a shoe that is not only going to protect my hand from coming into contact with the spider, but that can bend and flex in weird spaces. The Sneaker of Victory is not the right tool for the job.
Thank goodness for Crocs!
Yeah, I said it. I have Crocs, and I love them. I may love them now more than I ever did before. Let's just take a moment to consider the finer points of Crocs:
1) They are comfy when you have to be on your feet for several hours every day.
2) They are soft and flexible enough to fit into weird spaces when you need to squash the shit out of a spider.
3) They are totally waterproof.
If nothing else, I think we can all agree that they were the perfect implement to bring to my current battle.
I lined up my shot carefully, trying not to attract the attention of my foe. I pulled the trigger and slammed the Croc down at that sucker.
I missed! Well, I may have stunned him a bit, but the toe hit the faucet and spared him most of the pain. That thing was so fast, scurrying to the left before coming to a halt.
Oohhhh, he is definitely in cahoots with the previous giant spider! It has the same super-speed the last one displayed when trying to outrun the Spray of Death. This thing has got to be a friend or relative, come to bring bloody vengeance upon my person on behalf of his fallen comrade.
I struck again! I think I may have taken out a leg, but the thing was too fast.
This spider has serious ninja moves. It vanished! It just fucking vanished! How is that even possible?!
I did a quick check on the bottom of the Croc. Had I actually hit it and just thought I missed? Nope. No spider body to be seen. Oh God, is it crawling up the shoe somewhere and headed for my arm? No. No, we are okay and spider free.
Where the hell did it go?
It's not in the web, which is pretty much destroyed at this point after being mangled by my shoe. It's not in the drain, waiting to be sent to a watery grave. WTF.
Where did the freaking spider go? No way I can take a shower without knowing where this thing has gone. It could be anywhere, just waiting to attack!
And then I saw it. And I couldn't believe it. It stuck its creepy spider head out from behind the left edge of this:
Behold! The spider sanctuary!
I don't even know how it is possible, but the spider managed to get in behind that thing. It's probably got a name, but it's the flippy lever you use to open and close the drain. It also happens to be screwed tight against the tub.
How is it even possible for the ninja-spider to have squeezed its way behind there? I still don't know. It's the middle of the night, and my brain cannot fathom how it managed to make itself small enough to get in there.
It never came out again, either. It's a smart ninja-spider.
Am I supposed to take a shower with ninja-spider lurking around? I don't really have a choice.
Hey, Crocs are waterproof, right? I'll just bring my shoe into the shower with me! Fucker pops out again he is going to die.
You know what's not relaxing, Friends? Trying to take a shower when you are afraid to turn your back on the faucets. Or close your eyes while washing your hair. Any moment the ninja-spider could pounce. Have to be ready so he doesn't get the drop on me.
He didn't come out at all during my shower....as far as I know. I'm secretly hoping that the hot water pipes created some sort of Hell on Earth and took him out for me. That would be nice, and it's what I am going to tell myself if he fails to reappear before I try to get some sleep.
My new shower buddy
I'm leaving the Croc in the shower. It needs to dry after it took a shower, and partly because I am hoping it will scare the ninja-spider.
I'm also shutting the bathroom door.
Who am I kidding? I'm not going to get any sleep tonight. I don't know if ninja-spider is dead or hiding. I'm going to be nervous and twitchy, sure that every slight movement of the sheets is ninja-spider creeping on me.
I really hate spiders.