You Have 24 Hours to Move On

Hey, Friends.

So, remember how I dislike abhor detest hate spiders?  Like, I seriously fucking hate them with a fiery passion. They don't like me much either.  They have violated the sanctity of my shower.  More than once (or resurrected, take your pick.)

Imagine how much less than thrilled I was when I was leaving for work only to discover this bad boy hanging out on the railing on the back steps.

So much less than okay.  

Oh, you bet your ass I zoomed in for that little photo.  No way in the world was I getting close enough where it could be within striking distance, or accidentally bump into me if the wind blew too hard.

Just look at that thing!  All creepy and hairy and dangly.  I can't swear that he is related to the Giant Ninja Spiders that kept invading my shower last summer...but he looks like he is up to no good.  Just hanging there, pondering the best way to get into my house.

I determined that he was too big to be easily squashed with a shoe, and I had to leave for work. No time to plot out a strategy for his demise.  Also, I haven't restocked my supply of The Spray of Death yet, so couldn't do that to stun him.

Instead, I threatened him.  I'm pretty sure he understood me. He wiggled around a bit on his strand of web. I told him he had to leave.  No matter how luxurious he may find the railing of my back steps, it was time to move along.  There's a perfectly lovely garden on the other side of the lawn.  Please remove yourself from my house and go live a happy spider life elsewhere.

I get home from work this evening and immediately check the railing.  Do you think he packed up his cares and woes, moseyed off into the sunset as ordered?  Of course not!  Stupid, rebellious spider.

Someone didn't listen very well

Instead, it decided to start spinning its web in earnest.  That strand is much thicker than it was this morning.  It's unpacking its little spider bags and setting up house in my railing.  This is unacceptable!  I tried to be nice, and it threw it back in my face.

It's on now, spider.

Dear Spider On My Porch Railing:

I'll honor my end of the agreement and give you until morning to get the hell out of here. If you choose to stay and continue to ignore my kind offer of relocating?  I will end you.

Okay...maybe not me personally, but I will find someone to smash the shit out of you.  You will feel my wrath by proxy!  

You best pray to every spider deity you have that I do not walk into a web when I open the back door in the morning.  A web so much as touches me and I will use everything in my arsenal to make sure you die.  It won't be pretty or pleasant.  It will probably involve a lot of different cleaning products, possibly some Febreze as that is the only aerosol spray I currently have, and many shoes.  You might smell nice, but you won't be around to enjoy it.  You will literally be the goo on the bottom of my shoe.

I don't think either of us really want to go that route.  Consider your options and make the wise decision.

XOXO,

ME

And that's the current situation, Friends. I feel a bit like the Dread Pirate Roberts. "Good night, Spider.  Good work.  Sleep well.  I'll most likely kill you in the morning."

Just Ewww -- a Facebook Tale

You always hear about how you should be careful of who you friend on Facebook.  They could be creeps, or out to steal your information, looking to rob you when they know you are away, serial killers...you know, the normal list or weird-people-that-might-be-out-to-get-you.

I think I met one today.  He needed help because he didn't know how to use his Facebook.  Judging from what I saw on his Home page, he is either friends with only strippers or wannabe strippers. 

Gross, but that's not the truly creepy part.  (Well it's still creepy, if you saw this guy.)

He wanted to print out some of the more risque, clothing barely there, pictures of these ladies.  I do not want to know what he was going to do with them.  I've been trying not to think about it at all.  The flashy-thing from Men In Black would be perfect, really.

Props to Facebook for not giving the print option when you right-click on a friend's picture.  That's all it took to stop this guy.  I've never tried to print them out myself, although since you can save them it wouldn't be hard.  I just played stupid and said it must not be possible.

Oh-- he also wanted to know if there was a way to search for friends who were only women, ages 16-30.  I do not need to know this much about your taste in women, dude.  Walk it back.

Ladies: you really need to think twice before posting any kind of provocative pictures of yourself on FB. At the very least, wear clothes.  No underwear pictures. There are some serious creepers out there.  I don't know any of the women in the photos on his page, but trust me when I say he is not the Mr. Right you might be hoping to lure in.  He's very much on the Mr. Wrong side of things.


**On a different note**

I've gotten over 200 views on my blog, according to the stats!  No, my own views don't count or that number would be so much higher. ( I'm a little paranoid about typos.)

Thank you for reading my blog.  There are either a lot more of you than I thought, or just a few of you who are very, very dedicated.

Also, you all really seem to like dumpsters.  That post has way more views than any of the others.