Tuesday, September 20, 2016

You Have 24 Hours to Move On

Hey, Friends.

So, remember how I dislike abhor detest hate spiders?  Like, I seriously fucking hate them with a fiery passion. They don't like me much either.  They have violated the sanctity of my shower.  More than once (or resurrected, take your pick.)

Imagine how much less than thrilled I was when I was leaving for work only to discover this bad boy hanging out on the railing on the back steps.

So much less than okay.  

Oh, you bet your ass I zoomed in for that little photo.  No way in the world was I getting close enough where it could be within striking distance, or accidentally bump into me if the wind blew too hard.

Just look at that thing!  All creepy and hairy and dangly.  I can't swear that he is related to the Giant Ninja Spiders that kept invading my shower last summer...but he looks like he is up to no good.  Just hanging there, pondering the best way to get into my house.

I determined that he was too big to be easily squashed with a shoe, and I had to leave for work. No time to plot out a strategy for his demise.  Also, I haven't restocked my supply of The Spray of Death yet, so couldn't do that to stun him.

Instead, I threatened him.  I'm pretty sure he understood me. He wiggled around a bit on his strand of web. I told him he had to leave.  No matter how luxurious he may find the railing of my back steps, it was time to move along.  There's a perfectly lovely garden on the other side of the lawn.  Please remove yourself from my house and go live a happy spider life elsewhere.

I get home from work this evening and immediately check the railing.  Do you think he packed up his cares and woes, moseyed off into the sunset as ordered?  Of course not!  Stupid, rebellious spider.

Someone didn't listen very well

Instead, it decided to start spinning its web in earnest.  That strand is much thicker than it was this morning.  It's unpacking its little spider bags and setting up house in my railing.  This is unacceptable!  I tried to be nice, and it threw it back in my face.

It's on now, spider.

Dear Spider On My Porch Railing:

I'll honor my end of the agreement and give you until morning to get the hell out of here. If you choose to stay and continue to ignore my kind offer of relocating?  I will end you.

Okay...maybe not me personally, but I will find someone to smash the shit out of you.  You will feel my wrath by proxy!  

You best pray to every spider deity you have that I do not walk into a web when I open the back door in the morning.  A web so much as touches me and I will use everything in my arsenal to make sure you die.  It won't be pretty or pleasant.  It will probably involve a lot of different cleaning products, possibly some Febreze as that is the only aerosol spray I currently have, and many shoes.  You might smell nice, but you won't be around to enjoy it.  You will literally be the goo on the bottom of my shoe.

I don't think either of us really want to go that route.  Consider your options and make the wise decision.


And that's the current situation, Friends. I feel a bit like the Dread Pirate Roberts. "Good night, Spider.  Good work.  Sleep well.  I'll most likely kill you in the morning."

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