Yeah...I'm Not Okay With This

Hey, Friends.

Weird bit of excitement today.  It all started around noontime when a coworker asked me if I had seen what happened near my house.  I had no clue, but I saw he was bringing up an article in the local paper.  Fantastic. What could possibly have happened now?  My top three guesses were:

• Fire of some sort
• Crack house got busted
• Sting operation for allegedly running guns and drugs

Why were those my top 3 guesses?  Because they have all happened on my street since I bought my house 6 years ago.  And before you ask, Friends -- 2 and 3 were separate incidents involving different neighbors. I don't live in a bad area. I swear! However, I think it goes a long way in explaining why I pay attention when I notice weird shit going down in my neighborhood.

What I was not expecting was the story he actually pulled up:

Black Bear Spotted in Town of Poughkeepsie

Yeah.  Read that.  Join in my moment of WTF-ness.

Honestly, I probably wouldn't have believed him if I hadn't read the article myself...from a link that someone else emailed me. It is entirely too bizarre for words.

I find this disturbing for a few reasons -- not the least of which is that they haven't updated the story to say the bear has left the area or, more likely, been hit by a car or shot.  

***BREAKING NEWS***

Sorry for the interruption, Friends.  As I was writing this up last night the power went out. The lights blinked on and off a few times, and then darkness descended.  I finished that last sentence, then turned off the computer.  I lit a candle for a little light in the house, then grabbed my phone and went outside to explore and see how big the power outage was -- hoping it wasn't just like my house, or me and one other house.  

It was odd.  We weren't having a storm of any kind with winds that should have done any damage.  I hadn't heard any loud noises -- like a transformer blowing, or an accident nearby that hit a pole.  This was about 10 pm last night.

So I'm strolling the neighborhood in my pajamas, doing my own little survey of how big the outage appears to be.  My entire street is definitely out. Streetlights and traffic lights on the highway are out, and that's really bad as there are accidents there all of the time even when the lights are working. A large chunk of Main Street appears to be out as well, but from the top of our hill I can see that a couple blocks over and to the right the lights appear to be on.  Very odd.

I stop to chat with a neighbor who was out to walk her dog briefly.  Another neighbor comes home and tells us she was just at the Pizzeria Uno down the street.  The lights went out there, but they must have a generator because they came back up, but all of the lights everywhere else are out -- so now that's 3 major intersections involving the highway in both directions that are out.

I get the job of calling in the outage to the power company since my phone is the only one fully charged.  They give me an estimated restoration time of midnight, and none of us believe that it will really happen.  We part ways listening to the symphony or car horns and sirens that has begun.

A while later I'm back outside, as there was just a loud crunch like there might have been an accident.  I wander over to take a look at the highway and see if I now need to call 911. I don't see anything, and as I'm wandering back inside it occurs to me that it is probably really stupid to be wandering around in the dark, in my pajamas, with only my phone, because there was a fucking bear in the neighborhood this morning and how did I forget that it could still be wandering around out here with me?  I was literally just writing about it when the power went out!

I bump into yet another neighbor who is out to see what happened.  We chat briefly and this happens:

In related news, a neighbor and I have almost identical pajamas. #PowerOutageDiscoveries

— Tammy (@tammyshampoo) September 15, 2016

Yeah.  So now that half my neighbors have seen me in my pajamas, I decided that I'm just going to stay inside for the rest of the night.  Plus, you know, BEAR IN THE AREA.

Thankfully, around 11:45pm the power came back on.  

***END OF STORY WITHIN THE STORY***

Hi again, Friends.

So after a few hours of away time what with the power outage and the need for sleep, we are back. There was a bear, and I think I was about to explain why I was less than thrilled about it.

Before we go any further (and it might really be too late based on what I've written above) I need you to hold up your right hand and swear that none of you will turn into creepy stalkers and try to figure out exactly where I live.  I'm not talking to those of you that I actually know and that have been to my house before -- obviously it's cool and you are welcome.  I'm talking to my unknown Friends here online.  Promise you won't get creepy.  I think this entry alone makes it quite clear I already have enough weird-ass problems going on without adding "stalker" to the list.  It's not that I don't love you, Friends, but I don't need random people stopping by unannounced and making this all strange and unsettling.  If you're ever in the area and just desperately need to hang out with me, I'm sure we can work that out ahead of time and meet for coffee or something.  You know, when it wouldn't be weird and stalker-ish.

Everyone done with their "I'm Not Going To Be A Creepy Stalker" oath?  Fantastic.

First:  I'm worried about the bear itself.  This area is not meant for large wildlife to hang out and chill. The poor thing has to be seriously lost. How the heck did it even manage to get here to begin with? Maybe it wandered down the rail trail from somewhere else, but to get over in my neighborhood it still had to navigate across a lot of busy intersections and major roads.

That's Main Street.  Big intersection right there that always has accidents.  And yes, that would be the Uno's that still had power last night.

This is the intersection on Main Street where the bear was sighted.  

The block in between on Main Street, early on a foggy morning.  I couldn't pictures of everything for you yesterday, so this one is older.

Highway intersection on the other side of my street.  This also had no power last night. As you can clearly see in the picture, people almost hit each other on a regular basis even when the lights are working.

Sunset over Holy Trinity's parking lot last night -- after the bear sighting and before the power outage.

I'm really hoping they catch the bear before he gets himself injured, or causes and accident.  I don't even know if it's a young bear, probably lost and looking for his way home, or a big bear who came in search of food, or what the case may be.  I just hope it doesn't wind up hurt or dead.

Second:  The Interloper.  The Interloper is a feral cat that lives in my neighborhood.  It was born a couple of years after I moved in, and it used to chill in my back yard with it's Mama cat and two siblings.  Sadly, Interloper is the only one left now.  I hadn't seen Interloper for quite a while, but for the past month or so it has taken to hanging out in my back yard or on my back steps.  Most mornings when I wake up and go into the kitchen, I can see Interloper sitting up and looking at me through the back door of the porch, and giving me sad eyes and looking hungry.  Needless to say, I have now begun giving Interloper breakfast every morning.  That's how Interloper got its name.  Jazz-kitty is all cool with other cats walking around outside -- she just watches from the windows.  She never growls, or puffs up or anything.  As soon as the food started going out the door in the morning?  Jazz-kitty was not a fan of that happening. That's her food and she really didn't want to be sharing it with some unknown, outdoor menace.  Jazz follows me onto the back porch each time, and then sits in the window and glares daggers at the Interloper while it eats.  

The point of all that: I'm worried about The Interloper accidentally having a run in with the bear.  I don't even want to think about what would happen, and I really don't want to find an injured Interloper in my yard one morning that will have to go to the vet.  (I can report that Interloper was just here for breakfast this morning, looking fine and dandy.)

Third:  The advice in the article is ridiculous! I know they don't really have anything else they can say, but it is so totally dumb in this situation.

"Cleaning outdoor grills after use, removing bird feeders, and not leaving pet food outside are all ways to limit bear encounters. Garbage cans should be kept inside in a secure area and placed outside the morning of pick up."

I'm sorry, but that is the least of your problems in my neighborhood.  I don't think the bear wandered over here because of my neighbor's grill, or a bird feeder, or the empty cat bowl The Interloper uses. As I was discussing with the coworker who showed me the article, the residents are the least likely to be attracting the bear.

In that little stretch of a couple of blocks on Main Street, in either direction, there are a shit ton of better options for a hungry bear than a bird feeder.  We tried to name all of them.

Wendy's, Taco Bell, Dunkin Donuts, KFC, at least 2 bars, 2 convenience stores, 2 Mexican restaurants, a Chinese restaurant, a pizzeria, Noshi's Coney Island Hot Dogs, a Vietnamese restaurant, Pizzeria Uno's, and the Acropolis Diner.  That's not even counting all of the restaurants in the area that run the length of a busy cross street.  If the bear is hungry, it has much better options than someone's grill or a bird feeder.  

Fourth:  I really don't need to meet the bear face to face.  I don't want it to get hurt, but I also don't want to encounter a pissed off or scared bear and end up getting mauled.  That's the stuff for nightmares and movies, and until yesterday I didn't think it would actually be possible in my neighborhood.  

So, that's what has been going on in my little corner of the world, Friends.  We've had a lot of excitement in the last 24 hours.  Today seems pretty normal so far, so let's hope it stays that way.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you have a good, bear-free day!

Phone Notes Part IV

Hey, Friends.

Yup, it's time for more Phone Notes!  Or, if I'm being totally honest about the situation, we should really be calling this:

Things I Meant to Write About, Didn't Have Enough Time to Write About, and Then Promptly Forgot About

Doesn't sound quite as good, even if it's true.  These are the things that get swept by the wayside.  I obviously thought enough of them at some point to bother to make a note about them, fully intending to do something greater with them.  Although, I honestly don't know what the hell I was thinking with some of these as there is no way to expand upon it.  Think of it as a peek into what I thought was worth saving at the moment -- whether because it seemed amusing, important, or terribly deep at the time.  

Now a word for our newer Friends...

Hi there.  Phone Notes is something that has happened here a few times. There is no set pattern. Usually it occurs when I realize I have a crap-ton of stuff on my phone that I really should just clean out.  Rather than just delete it and send it into the void, I share it here with all of you.  I'm not saying there will be any ground-breaking revelations here.  You might even get done and wonder why you bothered to read my nonsense in the first place, and rethink how you could have better spent those precious moments of your life.  I hope it's not the latter, but I realize that it is a possibility.

So let's get to it, kids.  I don't remember the context -- or what particularly set me off if it's a rant -- for a lot of these tidbits.  When I do, I'll flesh it out a bit with additional information and/or commentary that looks like this. You will otherwise be getting exactly what I put in my phone, edited slightly to make it easier to read -- like fixing typos and auto-corrects, and adding punctuation so it isn't just a big blob of text.


1) We're starting with one in which I know exactly what was going on, so be proud.  I was on the train with my niece, Lili, headed to see Twenty One Pilots at Madison Square Garden.  I had used the app to buy the train tickets on my phone, but she didn't know that. She started asking questions about what happened if you got on the train without a ticket.  I told her I didn't really know -- I assume they just kicked you off.  It took me a second to realize that she was asking because we hadn't stopped to buy tickets, but once I explained that we had tickets she was good. The Universe, however, seemed to have heard her question and decided to give her an example, up close and personal.

People sitting right behind us on the train have no tickets.  Guy said the chick with him had them, but she had gone to use the bathroom.  One stop later she's back & conductor asks for tickets.  She doesn't have them.  They say they have no cash, no cards, no way to pay.  Conductor asks for ID. They say they don't have that either.  Conductor leaves and says he'll be back.

Conductor comes back at Garrison stop.  Tells them they have to get off here -- they aren't going to Grand Central.  Guy starts cursing and refuses to get off the train.  Conductor says we will all sit here while they call the cops to remove them.  Another conductor gets involved.  Magically she now has the ability to pay, but now her account will be "fucking negative".

Lili abandons me and puts on her headphones.  3 stops later and they are still fighting (loudly) about how this is all his fault.  Her account is "fucking negative" because he wouldn't stop at the bank on the way to the train.  She wants $44 at least to cover the ticket and the charges for going negative....

Still arguing half an hour later.  Apparently they have to catch a flight to Miami.  He has to be at work by 11?  Now she wants $80 and why did she even have to come here in the first place.  He says something about it being his birthday, and she says, "Well, it's not your fucking birthday anymore!"

**Now I'm curious: do they actually have plane tickets?  They have no luggage.  And if they didn't bring any ID, like they said, how the hell do they plan on boarding a plane?**

Fighting starts again as we near Grand Central.  She is still carrying on about her account going negative.  He loses his cool and says that he bought the plane tickets, he pays for everything when they are in Miami, what is her problem, it's his birthday and he wanted to see her, etc. She says he still owes her $44.  He finally snaps and yells at her to "Please, just shut the fuck up about the $44! You know I'll pay you back when we get there!"  And it seems to work.  For the last 5 minutes on the train I don't have to listen to them having the same endless argument.

2)  3/7/16 10 pm.  I'm seriously craving raspberry Jell-O right now.  I can't even begin to reason why. I haven't had Jell-O in ages.  Something about the idea of raspberry Jell-O just seems so perfect and I'm truly bummed by my inability to make this happen.

3) 4/16/16 @ 1:20 pm.  WRRV song played at 12:50 pm.  Random, but I know why I did this.  I must have been driving somewhere in my car, really liked the song they played, and jotted down the time so that I could attempt to look it up on the Song History later on their website.  Technology defeats me on many occasions.  I went from a car with a broken cassette player to one that has bluetooth, and plays from my phone, and has Sirius.  Totally skipped the whole CD player phase. While being awesome, it thwarts me when I want to use my phone to identify a song.  I've tried it several times (while parked, not driving) and it never works.  As soon as I touch my phone it either assumes I want to make a phone call, or it starts playing the music I have on my phone. I cannot get it to cooperate and just let me Shazam or ask Siri for the song. So now I am reduced to making notes and looking it up later.  And no, I have no idea what song inspired this.  I'm assuming I really like it though.

4)  "I like Britney Spears, but she sounds like a little girl when she sings." -- My nephew, the  9 year old music critic.  

5)  Found this in the donations at work:

A whole book about it. And no, I didn't read it. Is this true, guys?  Seems like poor decision making if you are actively choosing to marry someone because she is a bitch.  Then again, I'm single so what the hell do I know.

5)  I've got nothing on this next one.  I've no idea what I was looking at, but I'm assuming I was randomly flipping through Instagram late at night.  You know, when I should have been sleeping.

Did you ever look at someone's Instagram account, and it seems like every day they are at some amazing place or fabulous party?  I often wonder how much of that is real.  Like, did they really go to this crazy party and then climb a mountain the next day, or did they go to that party for like 5 minutes to take the picture and make themselves seem cool on social media?  I mean, maybe they really have the energy to do that kind of stuff every single day.  I don't know.  It makes me wonder what actual reality is versus what they want everyone to perceive as their life.

I don't know where I'm going with this.  If it's all spot on and accurate, then congratulations on your wonderful life.  If it's not, and this is all planned and choreographed to make yourself more popular on social media?  Then I feel bad for you, and a little bit worried.  Your self-worth should never be dependent on the number of "followers" you have, or how many "likes" your last picture got.  Yeah, it's a nice ego-boost, but don't make it the sum total of who you are.  I don't know you.  I don't even follow you.  But I hope you know you are more than that.

6)  You know those people who always seem to be in a good mood?  Like they are perpetually perky?  Normally it's cool.  I can even admire their spirit when they try to find the silver lining in a bad situation.  Other times they annoy the hell out of me and I kind of want to slap them back to reality with the rest of us.  I'm guessing I was in a bad mood.  Sorry.  I'm not a saint.

7)  Yesterday morning, on the way to work.  My mind was clearly blown.  Just got a bagel for breakfast.  They toasted it, and then they put butter on it before they put on the cream cheese.  Seemed weird, and I assumed they screwed it up, but OMG.  How have I not been doing this my entire life? I know it's just extra grease, essentially, but it was so unctuous and satisfying.  Or maybe I really enjoy butter in the morning more than I ever realized.

8)  Now you're in for a treat, Friends.  I found an old voice memo on my phone.  I was clearly irked with the behavior of some people on Twitter, but I honestly couldn't tell you now who it was that sent that final message that made me snap.  I'm guessing I probably don't follow them any more.  Added bonus (if you want to consider it that): you can hear me curse, and breathe loudly, because I apparently held the phone very close in the moment.

Listen to me rant! You know you want to!

And there you have it, Friends.  These are the kinds of things I find relevant enough to make notes about.  If you are just dying to see more of these little forgotten moments, you can find the previous installments of Phone Notes here:  The classic, original phone notes, Phone Notes II: Electric Bugaloo, and Part III.

Thanks for reading.  I hope you enjoyed our time together, reliving the flotsam of my mind. Don't feel obligated to click on those links.  It's really just the short version of the stuff I post here all of the time, except I didn't attempt to pretty it up or expand upon it.  I doubt it will give you deep insights into my warped mind.  Or maybe it will -- I honestly don't know.  I'm pretty sure you can get more than enough of my ramblings just by scrolling back through old posts.

At Least I Can Give Them a Sugar High

Hey there, Friends.

So, this actually happened the evening before my last post -- we're time-travelling backwards, Friends!  If you already read that post, then this will fill in some of the details that might have had you scratching your head and wondering how it could possibly make sense.  Maybe you weren't wondering about it at all.  I don't know what goes on in your head when you read my babbling here.  If you haven't read it yet (and you really should, but I'm incredibly biased on this) you can do that after you have read this, and then you'll be reading it in chronological order and everyone else will just be screwed.  Deal?  Fabulous.

The other night I ran a book group at work, and we were discussing Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess.  I hadn't gotten many suggestions from my group when making the choices for this quarter, so this choice was all me.  I loved her first book, was pretty sure I was going to love this one as well, and there were enough copies in the library system that no one would have to go out and buy it.  I mean, not that they couldn't or shouldn't buy it, but we're a library so it's good to use library resources.   This is the cover of the book, which will hopefully make things just a little clearer for those of you who haven't read it and/or have never heard of The Bloggess before.  (You should really remedy that because she is wonderful!)

How could you not want to read a book with that cover?

As you may recall, Friends, I like to go a tad overboard for my book group.  I try to have thematically relevant decor and refreshments.  I want it to be an experience, damn it!  There was the time I tried (and failed rather spectacularly -- thanks Pinterest!) to make Unicorn Poop cookies when we discussed Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes by Neil Gaiman.  I also made little sinking Twinkie Titanics when we discussed A Night to Remember by Walter Lord.  There have also been some interesting holiday choices, which included zombies and Gingerdead Men.  

It was not going to be possible to try and discuss Furiously Happy without getting my hands on some sort of taxidermy animals.  I don't happen to own any -- they kind of creep me out a little bit.  I was really hoping I knew someone who did, or maybe they knew someone they could borrow it from. Hopefully something small, not like a giant full-on bear poised to devour us all.  Although a bear would be kind of cool, if a bitch to lug around.  To that end, I emailed the entire staff, and one person came through for me.  Victory!

I'm not going to tell you all about the book, I'm just going to tell you to read it.  It is by turns hilarious -- like literally laugh out loud while reading -- and a bit heartbreaking to realize what she struggles with on a daily basis.  It also made me, at least, feel very proud of her for just continuing to live her life and embrace it all.  And I think her husband might be due for sainthood.

This post is about my attempt to capture the spirit of the book for my book group.  If you've read it, feel free to tell me whether I succeeded or failed miserably.  I did my best.

Since I had managed to score a bit of taxidermy, it obviously had to be the star attraction of the table, yet not be near anything that could potentially spill on it or damage it.  What marvel of the natural world had I managed to borrow?  The leg and talon of a Great Horned Owl!  It came from Oregon.  Apparently my coworker's friend -- who lives in Oregon -- had found the already deceased owl, and had taken it home and taxidermied it themselves. (Spell check says "taxidermied" isn't a word, but I have no clue what else to use.  "Preserved" seems like it should be more for antiques and historical documents, or for making jam.  But I digress.) Anyway, they taxidermied the owl, and then sent my coworker the leg and talon.  She even had a holder for it.  This was fantastic!  I had the whole backstory on the item.

You can't just put a piece of owl on the table and not expect to get a few questions.

Friends, let's take a look at the whole table before I break it down for you any further.  We got the star of the hour out of the way already.

It looks nice, right?  I even gave them the coloring page  that didn't make her next book, but which she kindly posted on her website.

Right behind the owl piece, I had the zombies and a picture of Rory.

It would be wrong to discuss the book without Rory the Ecstatic Raccoon being present.

So, there were several mentions of zombies in the book.  That's my little Dismember Me zombie doll. This was actually his 4th (I think -- might be more) appearance at a book group.  That might actually be more zombie-action than most book groups would have, but I like to think it makes us a bunch of special little snowflakes.  Conveniently, the Halloween candy is already in stores so I was able to get a bunch of Sour Patch Kid zombie candy as well.  I really wanted gummy body parts-- particularly the feet -- but I couldn't find them anywhere yet this year.  Yeah.  Gummy body parts totally exist, and I have bought them before.  The chocolate animal crackers are there because I felt bad about not being to get my hands on any more taxidermy, so I wanted to up the animal presence.

Moving right along...

 Fortune cookies

As seen in the previous post, I got 2 fortunes in one magical cookie.

I know, Friends.  You must wondering what the heck this book is about.  Taxidermy, zombies, and now fortune cookies?  It might seem like I was having a moment and thought, "What would be the most random assemblage of shit I could just throw on the table?" but it really does make sense in the context of the book! You see, at one point in the book she finds a Zoltar Fortune Teller like in the movie Big, and decides that it should be their guide for future financial planning.  Those fortunes are much better than fortune cookies.  I'm good, but I wasn't going to be able to get my hands on a Zoltar machine, so fortune cookies would have to do.

Next up....

It's a boring picture.  Work with me.

Frankenstein had been mentioned at some point, and once again the lovely Halloween candy selection came through and I found tic-tacs  in a Frankenstein head.  In the book there was also a bit about what would happen if the gold standard our monetary system was based on suddenly went to shit.  Like, what if countries without a lot of gold decided, "Screw you guys, were basing our monetary system on spiders."  Now, I'm relatively sure she was talking about real spiders.  I don't know that she even took the abundance of fake spiders into account, which could make it even more interesting.  If you've been here for a while, Friends, you know that I have issues with spiders.  I fucking hate them with a passion. I'm pretty sure they are equally as passionate about trying to destroy me.  (You should really click those links, kids.  Spiders are kind of my archenemy.)  The fact that I was even willing to buy those bad boys and sit them on the table, to have them there being creepy for an entire book group, speaks volumes about how hard I tried to make this awesome.  

Oh, and there was pie.  Cherry flavored, and not the math kind.  The author doesn't like the math kind of pi.

A selection of related reading materials, in case anyone wanted to check them out.

That last bit should be expected.  It's a library. David Sedaris was mentioned in the book.  I, of course, had to include Jenny Lawson's first book (which you should also read), and then some others I thought people would like.

I tried, Friends.  I tried my best to capture the spirit of the book.  I might not have been able to make everyone Furiously Happy, but at least I could give them one hell of a sugar high.

Flying Solo

**This is going to be a long one, kids.  Pull up a comfy chair, snuggle in, and get ready for an epic adventure.  Get yourself a drink.  Personally, I'm having a beer.***

Hey, Friends.

I'm a slacker.  I've got so many stories that I need to tell you here, but I haven't had time to get around to it.  I'll do my best to catch up.  Promise.  For now, let's start with the most recent events, shall we?

If you've been hanging around here with me for a while, you might remember that last summer I took my niece, Lili, to see Heffron Drive at Webster Hall.  We got to meet them, and she got all swoony and refused to wash the shirt that she wore because it would clean off the "Kendall Loving".  (Don't remember?  Of course not -- you've got far more important stuff to keep in your brain.  You can click right here for the recap, if you are so inclined.)

Last night I went to see Heffron Drive, again at Webster Hall.  Sadly, I was flying solo this trip since Lili was back in Texas already.  For some unimaginable reason, my brother was just not cool with her skipping the first week of school to stay in New York and have happy-fun-concert-time with Aunt Tammy.....well, not anymore concert fun time.  I did take her to see The Lumineers at Speed of Sound Fest and we saw Twenty One Pilots at MSG. She made out alright, but was incredibly bummed out that she was going to miss getting to see Kendall and Dustin again.

So, having learned absolutely nothing from our adventure last year, I once again decided to work half the day before catching the fabulous Hudson Line down to the city.  I had to run an errand, return some taxidermy that I had borrowed for book group decor (again -- story for another time, people) to a coworker down in the main branch of the library.  You know, the usual.  I was feeling pretty good with the state of the universe, as at said book group the night before I had served fortune cookies along with the taxidermy (WTF?!  I know, but it did make sense, promise.) and had gotten 2 fortunes in 1 cookie:

Bring it, fortune cookies!  Hope you're not lying.

It was all going swimmingly, until I made the fatal mistake of going to Dunkin Donuts to get coffee and a sandwich to eat on the train ride as my lunch/dinner. Friends, if you know me at all then you know something is about to go horribly wrong if I am even remotely hinting that coffee was a mistake.  I love my coffee.  I write love letters to my coffee pot when it needs a little ego boost.

Everything was fine for about....oh, half an hour or so.  I ate my sandwich, and was happily reading my book.  I went to take another sip of my coffee -- a nice, big, large iced coffee -- when I accidentally unleashed the Great Coffee-pocalypse on the feet of my unsuspecting fellow travelers.

Friends, I have never seen coffee spill so thoroughly and with such speed as it did on that train car.  I'm thankful that it wasn't completely full, and that I had the reflexes to get it before the entire thing dumped out.  I desperately tried to pick up all the loose ice cubes and mop up as much of the mess as I could with my one napkin and the two tissues I had in my purse, all while apologizing to the people around me like crazy.  I was mortified.  You know those moments when you would be happy to find a bottomless pit and just chuck yourself down it?  That's where I was living.  The woman across from me tells me it was just an accident, and I'm lucky because it's mostly all guys on the train headed to Yankee Stadium so they don't have bags on the floor. Then she gives me a Wet Wipe and tells me to use it on my hands after I'm done trying to mop up.  She told me I was braver than her because there was no way in hell she would have even considered touching the train floor.

Then the conductor comes back through and is all, "Whoa!  What happened here?" and I told him my coffee spilled and apologized some more.  I thought maybe he would get a mop, or hand me a roll of paper towels to try to clean up my mess.  Nope.  Apparently we were all just going to enjoy my coffee puddles, rolling around the train, for the rest of the trip.

Coffee-pocalypse after cleaning.  Go Big or Go Home.

I had to ride the train for the next hour like that, folks, wincing at every stop as I watched people try to negotiate the aisle without slipping or stepping in the puddles.  The woman across from me very helpfully told me that the Coffee-pocalypse had made it 6 rows in front of me.  OMG.  I was just waiting for someone to get up and start bitching me out about having ruined their shoes, or their bag. Thankfully that never happened.

Should I have put my book down and paid more attention to what I was doing?  Obviously, yes.  But I can't help but feel that Dunkin is slightly responsible for this as well because my lid clearly wasn't fully locked on.  That might just be wishful thinking.  And I might have felt just the slightest bit of joy when, about 30 minutes after Coffee-pocalypse had been loosed, someone farther back than me dropped a bottle of chocolate milk that proceeded to roll down the entire length of the car.  Not just my mess now, and I had nothing to do with the milk.

Please let me escape my coffee nightmare

Finally, blessedly, we arrived in Grand Central and I could escape the scene of the crime.  I headed for the ladies' room to try and de-coffee myself and my shoes.  After ensuring that I was as coffee-free as I could possibly get, I headed outside.  I could have walked, but it was way too hot and I would have been a sweaty, coffee-scented mess by the time I arrived.  The line for a cab was loooooooooong.  So I wandered off down the street to try my luck elsewhere.

I got really lucky and an Uber driver took pity on me.  He explained what the normal fare would be, but that it might be more with a surge since it was after 5 pm now, and "it's so hot out today that everyone is taking cabs.  You couldn't have gotten a cab there for hours."  Thanks, Buddy.  I'll take my chances with the surge.

So we're driving along and chatting.  He asked where I was from, what I was going to do.  I told him I was from Poughkeepsie and headed to a concert.  He tells me that he gets a lot of people from Poughkeepsie on the weekends, and I was filling him in on how it's so convenient since it's right on the Hudson Line. Then he busts out with, "Did you know that Poughkeepsie is the murder capital of the country?"  Seriously?  If it's true I'm not proud of it, but what do you say to that?  And, in a strange turn of events, he was not the first person to tell me that this week.  It made me ponder a few things:

1. How are we possibly the murder capital of the country?  That seems pretty far-fetched.  Is this determined by number of murders per capita or something?  I mean, I'm not going to lie and say no one ever gets murdered.  They do, and it's sad.  I just didn't think that we were murdery stabby blood-thirsty enough to be number one.
2.  Where are people getting this statistic from that everyone seems to have heard it?  
3. I feel moderately better now that the only part of the trip I was really worried about was the walk to my car in the parking lot back at the train station, and that was mainly because I would be alone and it would be the middle of the night.  Apparently not an unfounded fear.

So we finally get to the corner near Webster Hall and he drops me off.  There was a surge, of course.  $50.  It cost me more to get from Grand Central to Webster Hall than it did for a round-trip train ticket...and I somehow doubt that my Uber driver would have been as nonchalant about a spilled coffee as the conductor on the train.

Friends, I was so happy when I finally got to the end of the line outside Webster Hall!  It had been a long damn day already by that point, and I'm sure I looked like it.  So I took a picture of the Webster Hall sign and posted it to Snapchat as Heffron Drive has a cool filter for each show.  Immediately I get a message back from Lili about how bummed she is and how she wished she was with me.  I struck up a conversation with the woman and her daughter who were ahead of me in line, since we were going to be spending some quality time with each other.  They were from Toms River and were very cool.  They hadn't gotten there much before I had, but apparently people further up the line had been there since 2 pm.  Possibly earlier.  I don't know how early the front of the line had arrived.  Apparently a lot of people in line already knew each other, and were walking back and forth to chat with different groups of friends. One girl had already been to like 8 shows this year or something.  They would all squee with excitement when someone else arrived and be all excited that they made it.  I kind of got the feeling there was like some elite group of Super Fans or something, and I was clearly not a member of that club and had no idea who any of these other people were.  It's fine. I'll just hang with the ladies from Toms River.  We get each other.

We finally get inside, and it isn't set up anything like last year.  Last year you immediately were in the queue for the Meet and Greet, and that clearly wasn't happening.  The ladies from Toms River are looking at me, and I'm like, "Yeah, I've got nothing.  This isn't the way it went last time."  But I did notice there was a bar, and that was awesome because I was going to need a drink.  Causing the Great Coffee-pocalypse is not something that is easy to get over, Friends.

Heffron Drive comes out, and they sing a cover of Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. I have never seen more phones whipped out with such speed in my life.  I looked around for minute because I kind of felt like I was the only person not documenting the hell out of it.  Not that I have ever been a performer on stage or have even the vaguest frame of reference, but that has got to be a weird moment.  Like before you even get a word out of your mouth there is a battalion of phones recording your every move.

So then they explain that the pictures/Meet & Greet session will take place off to the side, and to line up.  The doors for General Admission will open at 7 pm whether we are done or not.  As we wait and time goes by the Mom from my Toms River ladies starts to worry:  what if we aren't done by 7? Does that mean the GA people will get our good places close to the stage?  Her daughter isn't that tall, she won't be able to see.  Maybe she should go hold our places (which her daughter was not having because she was getting super nervous and didn't want to be alone.)  Those other girls put their purses on the ground to hold their spots.  Should she do that -- but her purse cost a lot of money.  I tried to reassure her that the line was moving quickly, and we would be fine.  I told her my bag cost $15 at a street fair, but I wasn't about to leave it on the ground unattended either.  She said she wasn't above elbowing people out of the way to get their spot back, and I'm not entirely sure she was joking.  I told her that I was right here, if it got close to time she could go hold the spots and I would stay with her daughter -- that someone would be there to take the pictures with your own phone anyway, just keep it cool and it will all be fine.

And then the first few people were coming out the other end.  One girl was crying in joy, a couple were shaking.  Maybe I was too far back in line to notice last year, or maybe I was too busy talking to Lili, but I don't recall anyone totally losing their minds.  

By the time we got to the door and my new friends from Toms River were next, the daughter was starting to get super nervous.  It got worse when she could actually see Kendall and Dustin.  Her Mom hadn't been planning on going in with her, but that was apparently out the window at this point -- they were both going.  I told her that it would be fine, she's got this.  She can handle it.  Friends, that is truly rich coming from me.  Last year I was a total tongue-tied spaz, overly paranoid about my niece getting lost and/or broken when I took my eyes off of her for .5 seconds.  So yeah.  I knew exactly how she felt, and I also knew it would be okay and the guys are both really sweet to their fans.  Plus, I was going right after them and was really trying to get my shit together so that I could maybe seem like a coherent human being this time.  If I focus on them, then I won't have time to worry about myself.

You see, Friends, I had a mission.  I wanted to make Lili feel like she was included, even though she couldn't be there.  To that end I had made a little sign that said "Hi Lili!" that I was hoping Kendall and Dustin would be cool enough to hold when we had our picture taken.  That was going to require me to keep my shit together and be able to speak -- preferably in full sentences -- so that I could explain. As adorable as I find my niece to be, they meet a shit-ton of people at concerts, and the likelihood of them remembering her (or me) was zero.  Talking was going to be necessary in my mission.

First up was Dustin, since he was right there.  I introduced myself and gave him a hug, and he told me his name was Dustin, but I could call him Lord D-Belt.  And I'm like, "Okay," because it was unexpected and amused me.  And then Kendall said to just ignore anything that Dustin said.  It doesn't sound like much, but I was amused and it helped me relax.  Maybe I looked like a nervous wreck and they were trying to help -- I really don't know.  Then I introduced myself to Kendall and got a hug, and explained about the sign I wanted them to hold.  Like the whole story about how she came with me to see them last year, and she couldn't this year and was super bummed but she lives in Texas and school had already started, and my brother would not let her ditch the entire first week to come with me.  I rambled, in essence.  Shocker, I know.  But they agreed to hold the sign, so mission: accomplished!

They're cute, I'm a mess.  But at least I wasn't covered in coffee.

And as we are getting the pictures taken, Kendall says something about it being too bad Lili couldn't come, but school should be her priority right now.  He's absolutely right, and I totally agree with him.  And that really is what I meant to do, but instead I found myself saying, "Well, right now her priority seems to be coming up with ways to violate the school's dress code."  OMG what the fuck is wrong with me?!  I go from barely being able to speak to them last year to being unable to just shut the hell up, and now I'm oversharing details that they do not need to know.  Maybe if they come back again the third time will be the charm.  No promises though.

And then something magical happened.  Kendall asked to see the sign..

They are made of awesome!

I was floored.  I hadn't even thought to ask them to do that.  I thanked them (at least I hope I did.  If not, thank you so much!!)  I know I told them that she was going to die when she saw it -- cause I apparently just say whatever comes to mind at this point, filter be damned.  And when I got back out with my ladies from Toms River I showed them, and then immediately sent Lili a picture of it on Snapchat.  Her brain pretty much exploded with joy, in both text and video.  I have now inadvertently scored all the "Cool Aunt" points in the universe, so everyone else is out of luck.  Sorry, peeps.

Mission accomplished, and with 5 whole minutes left until General Admission would enter?  I decided it was high time to get a beer.  Leading the Great Coffee-pocalypse on a train and then mentally face-palming yourself because you can't shut up will take a lot out of a gal.  I asked my ladies from Toms River to hold my spot.  We had bonded at this point, plus I know she's not above throwing an elbow if need be.  I got my drink, and shortly thereafter the concert started.

First up:  The Assembly Line

Second: This Is All Now

And then, Heffron Drive.

Lord D-Belt in action

Now, I like to take pictures.  That should not be a surprise to you, Friends. However, I really try not to take that many pictures at concerts.  I like to actually watch the concert and enjoy rather than screwing around with my phone.  Ideally, that is what I would have liked to do at this one.  However, a certain niece in Texas would be crushed if I did not do my level best to document the hell out of the concert for her.  I really had no choice.  As you can well guess, you are about to be inundated with pictures.  Feel free to skip them if this is not your cup of tea, Friends.  I'll never know.  

Two points to keep in mind:

1.  It is much harder to take pictures and/or video when you are attempting to use only one hand.  I had a beer in my other hand for a large part of the concert, and was also trying to keep my bag on my shoulder.  

2.  I'm not saying Dustin put a voo-doo hex on me when I agreed that he was Lord D-Belt, but it was a heck of a lot easier to get pictures of him that were in focus than it was Kendall.  Maybe it was the lights.  Maybe it was the fact that he was almost directly in front of me.  I just know what happened. And I'm okay with it, whatever the cause.

Now, onto the pictures!

 I love this one

 There was a mad crush when people tried to touch Kendall

This is my favorite.

About that last one.  You might be thinking, "That's not even in focus, and you can barely see either of them."  True, but it's all about this heart.  This girl pushed in front of us at one point, and not one person even complained.  She was so incredibly excited to see the concert. She kept making that heart and screaming that she loved Kendall over and over again.  She just radiated such pure joy at simply being there.  So the picture is kind of about her, and kind of about Heffron Drive, and also about how  nice, friendly, and generally lovely everyone in the crowd was to each other the entire time.  I can't even tell you the last time I went to any concert where there wasn't pushing, or elbows, or general cattiness taking over.  It was like everyone had silently agreed to just have a good time and let it all go.  That's what the picture is about.

And I had to try to shoot some video, because -- Lili.  It all comes back to Lili.

Passing Time. This is one of my favorites -- either version. Is it wrong that I was hoping that Logan would magically appear on stage and join in?  Yes, yes it is.  First because he sang on the acoustic version, which this clearly is not.  Second, he wasn't here last year when they did play the acoustic version.  Third, and not the least important, he has his own life and shit to do.  I dare to dream.  He went to Italy with Heffron Drive.  Maybe one time he will grace us with his presence in NYC.

Heffron Drive -- Nicotine. Webster Hall. @HeffronDrive @dbeltwrites #HeffronDrive pic.twitter.com/329QZirYz7

— Tammy (@tammyshampoo) August 27, 2016

And this last bit is really super short, as it was originally posted to Snapchat.

The concert was excellent as always.  I hope I never miss an opportunity to see them, even if Lili can't go with me.  So thank you again, Kendall and Dustin, for a great show and for just being you.  I can't even begin to explain how happy you made Lili by taking that picture and writing that note, and it means so much to me that you would do that for her.  You rock!

And to round out my little adventure, for those of you still bothering to read at this point....

I got a cab back to Grand Central with no problem.  Do you know how much it cost?  $15, including the tip.  You and your price surge can kiss my ass next time, Uber.

Also, I'm pleased to report that I managed not to spill anything all over the train on the way back. Granted, I only had a bottle of water with me, but still.

I got back to Poughkeepsie around 12:30 in the morning, and even had company on the walk through parking garage because people were coming home from the Yankee game.  That was nice.  I was feeling pretty darn good about the state of the world, and then I pulled out of the parking garage.  I don't know what went down, but there was a cop car, an ambulance, and a crowd of people.  I'm hoping this does not turn out to be proof that maybe Poughkeepsie is a little more murdery than I thought.  We so do not need to live up to that particular title.

All things considered, I think my fortune cookie was spot on.

I Did It...But There's No Proof

Hey, Friends.

My Mom and I decided to take my niece and nephew to the Ulster County Fair the other evening.  I think we all had fun, and we did a couple of pretty cool things.  Lili (my niece) was a little bit bummed because she had been watching the Carnival Eats show on television, and none of those crazy things were at the fair.  No scorpion pizza for her, sadly.

We started small, with the kidlets and I riding the smaller of the two Ferris wheels. My Mom would not go on it.  The fact that the kids and I were even on it is just this side of a miracle, really.

Let me break it down for you, Friends.

Back in the day, my Mom read a newspaper article about a Ferris wheel that fell apart at at fair somewhere, fully loaded with passengers.  I'm assuming it was a bad scene with lots of injuries -- I never got the entire story from her.  From that point on, my brother and I were never allowed to go on the Ferris wheel -- and other quasi-dangerous looking rides (as deemed by my Mom, and consisting mainly of roller coasters and things which went high up in the air) were up for debate.  Now, if it was a permanent set-up, like at Disney World or Hershey Park?  That was allowable...except for the Ferris wheel.  Traveling amusements, like at the county fair or local carnivals?  Hell no.  The most air-born we were ever allowed to get was on those spinning swings.

That's my Mom in the red shorts, dead center.  My niece is in the blue to the left.

So, as you can imagine, it was kind of a big deal that she let the kids and I go on even the smaller Ferris wheel.  She probably wishes she hadn't let us, because while we were up there we had a pretty good view of the entire fair and spotted a couple of things we absolutely wanted to try.

Austin (my nephew) spotted a mechanical bull.  He was so excited and determined that he was going to ride the thing.  I didn't want to crush his little dream, but I had to give him a slight reality check:

1. There might be rules that mean you can't do it.  It might require that you be a certain age/height/weight.  You're 8, dude.  They might not let you on.
2. It probably costs extra, and if it is a lot then it probably won't happen.
3. We are going to have to convince Grandma that you aren't going to kill yourself on the thing. That will be the biggest obstacle.

We got off the Ferris wheel, and he was all jazzed about the mechanical bull.  We went over to check it out, and it only cost $5.  He was so excited, and there were no restrictions on age or anything.  

And then came the stumbling block: a parent or legal guardian was going to have sign off and give him permission, promise we wouldn't sue if he injured himself. Friends, you have no idea the debate and amount of coaxing it took me to convince my Mom that he could handle this without killing himself.  She was extra twitchy because we hadn't seen anyone else go on it.  In the end, Austin got his Moment of Glory, and of course I had to shoot video.  You can hear me rooting him on, my Mom wondering if he's smiling and having fun or scared, and me calling it when he is about to fall off.

You can take the boy out of Texas, but you can't take the Texas out of the boy.

I congratulated him on a successful ride, and his rather graceful dismount.  His reply?  "I didn't want to fly off and get stuck by the horns."  He totally had it covered.  My Mom had absolutely nothing to worry about.

But she did have other things to worry about, because directly after that Lili and I decided to freak her out even more by announcing that we wanted to do the Stunt Jump. (  <---- Click that handy link there if you don't know what it is.)  To say my Mom was unhappy with that would be an understatement.

Now, I had seen this thing before while working at the Arlington Street Fair.  I couldn't do it then because I was working at the library's booth, and it would be inappropriate to duck out to jump off a platform. I was bummed about that. I had noticed the Stunt Jump as soon as we entered this section of the fair, but I hadn't said anything about it.  I was going to do it come hell or high water...I just wasn't going to say anything to her about it.

Faced with the fact that both her daughter and her granddaughter wanted to jump off a platform?  Not a happy moment for my Mom.  But it was only $5 a person, and she got to see other people do it and walk away, fully intact with all body parts functional.  I had to sign off on the waivers for both myself and Lili, as she "wasn't going to sign our death certificates" or some equally dramatic hyperbole.  Oh, and it was going to be all my problem if Lili hurt herself and I was going to have to explain to my brother how I broke his child.  To be fair, Lili does tend to be a wee bit accident prone and uncoordinated at times, so there was a much greater chance of her getting injured than my nephew riding the bull.

Whatever -- it will be awesome!  

So I signed our papers, and we got our instructions on how to fall properly.  Lil and I both wanted to get our jumps on video, so we devised a plan.  Lili got the camera on her phone all set up the way she wanted it, and gave it to my Mom.  Lili will jump first, and my Mom will record it.  After she exits the jump area, Lili will take my phone from my Mom and get video of me making my jump. Clear and easy, right Friends?  

I think, right up until the last minute, my Mom was kind of hoping we would either wimp out and change our minds, or that Lili at least would be too scared and opt to jump from the lower, little kid, platform.  Didn't happen.  Here is Lili's jump, with expert camera work by her Grandma:

She set it for slo-mo, cause she has a flair for the dramatic

She did great! My Mom managed to keep her in frame the whole time and everything.  You can even see the silhouettes of the jump coach, myself, and the guy behind me in line waiting at the top before she jumps.

Then I jumped, and it was awesome.  It was just as fun as I had imagined it would be.  You might be wondering, "But where is the video of you jumping?"  Fair question, Friends.  I don't have one. There is a story -- or several, depending on who you ask -- about why I don't have one.

Remember the plan?  Lili was supposed to jump, and then take my phone from my Mom and shoot the video of me jumping.  Why? Because she is the most tech-savvy of the group.  My mother never shoots video of anything.  Asking her to do so twice in a row, on two different phones was just a recipe for disaster.  Lil is the Snapchat/Instagram queen and should be able to do this in her sleep.  

So I get done, exit the jump area because there is a guy behind me waiting to go, and ask if they got it on video.  I'm met with a reaction of, "Well...." from my Mom, Lili just watching the video of herself, and Austin just being excited that he got to see us jump and he wishes he had done it too. Then my Mom hands me my phone and confesses that they saw it, but they kind of missed shooting the video.  And then come the various explanations as to how they missed it:

• The first answer (and the truth) was from my Mom:  Lili jumped, got my camera, but immediately had to watch the video of her own jump so she wasn't paying attention in time to record my jump.
• Lili excuse #1: "It said there wasn't enough space left on the camera."  Total and complete bullshit.  I took pictures and video the rest of the night without running out of storage space.
• Lili excuse #2:  "You went too fast!!  If you had just waited like 5 more seconds I would have been ready!"  Also nonsense, as it took longer than that to watch her video.
• Lili excuse #3, ready about an hour later: "Grandma took too long to give me your phone." Such lies, and immediately shot down by Austin who chimed in that "Grandma gave her the phone right away."

So, no.  I don't have a video of my jump.  I can be seen as part of the shadowy group at the top in Lili's video, and I have a picture of the lovely marker on my hand stating that I was approved to jump.

SJ for Stunt Jump

Next time I need video, I'm totally giving my phone to Austin.  Sure, it might be out of focus, or at a crazy angle.  I might just be a brief blur moving through the view. The result might not be optimal, but it would exist.  If I give Austin a mission, my little dude will get the job done one way or another.

And just to prove that my phone was totally capable of the job, here is a video I shot of the kidlets on the slide later that evening -- you know, when Lili was busy claiming there was not enough space on the camera.