Bird Feeder Carnage

Something, or someone, destroyed my bird feeder overnight.

At first I assumed the creepy deer were back again.  They raid the bird feeder a lot in the winter.  They sometimes knock it down, but it stays in one piece.  The thug squirrels take out the feeder sometimes as well, at least I assume it was the squirrels that pulled it up onto the garage roof once.  I guess it could have been desperate raccoons as well.

I went outside this morning to feed the feral kitties, and saw the bird feeder on the ground.  Again.  Assuming it was the deer, I went over to pick it up and refill it.  Annoying, but it happens.

This is what I found:

My cool lantern bird feeder has been murdered!

The bird feeder has been destroyed -- there is no saving it.  Glass is smashed all in my flower bed.  The metal frame is bent.  Even the plastic around the solar light that sat in the top was smashed.

So now I'm not sure it was really the creepy deer.  They would have to have been seriously pissed off deer to have done that much damage, and some of the glass was embedded in the ground.

I don't know which is worse, frankly: the idea that there are pissed off deer capable of thoroughly destroying a metal bird feeder scampering around the neighborhood, or the idea that some miscreant was in my back yard breaking shit for fun.

Either way, I am not amused.  

R.I.P. cool lantern bird feeder!  

What Does It Mean?

Normally I don't remember all that much about my dreams.  I might vaguely recall part of it that is totally confusing, or just a feeling.

This morning I remember the whole thing, and it was strange.  Not bad, just...odd, for lack of a better word.  It was peaceful and relaxing overall.

I was mountain climbing with the three other people -- none of whom I actually know.  This is odd for starters because, while I have gone hiking in the mountains, I have never strapped on gear and decided to literally climb a mountain.  And we were climbing in just regular t-shirts, shorts and sneakers.

I was with 3 other people, but they weren't people that I know.  There was one guy who was like my partner/friend/buddy-to-make-sure-I-didn't-kill-myself.  I don't know where he came from, as he isn't even anyone I recognize in passing, like having seen him at work or on television or anything.  Then there was a woman with short, curly blonde hair and glasses -- like groovy glasses.  I remember thinking she looked like a picture from an old yearbook.  There was another guy as well, but he didn't even have a face, that I can recall.  He was just like " random place holder guy", but he seemed to know the most about what we were doing.  Well, all of them knew more about mountain climbing than I did.

We got to the top without any problems, and sat around checking out the view for a while.  It was just bare rocks on the top -- no trees or snow or anything.  A few wild flowers were growing between the cracks in the rocks.  We could look down over a mountain range at the trees below.  It was sunny and warm.

Magically, a picnic appeared and we had lunch.  I mean full-on picnic with a blanket, basket full of food, dishes, etc.  None of us had backpacks, or had carried anything up other than ourselves and we each had a bottle of water.  No one else was up there with us.  It just appeared, and we were all like, "Oh yeah!  It's time to eat lunch now!" and just started eating and chatting like it was perfectly normal for a fancy picnic to appear out of nowhere.

After that we just hung out on top of the mountains for a while.  The picnic magically disappeared, and we were all comfy just lying on the warm stones, feeling the gentle wind blowing over us, watching birds fly overhead.  We stayed up there lounging and hanging around until someone realized it was going to be sunset soon, and we should head back down.

We were repelling down, which was trickier than climbing up -- and that's when I woke up.

My phone woke me up, and I have no idea how the dream ended.

Now, I've tried looking up dream interpretation websites.  They all seem to agree that mountains represent obstacles, and climbing it is overcoming it.  Climbing down seems to mean giving up, or depression.  None of those seem to fit with the happy feeling of the dream.

None of them say anything about climbing a mountain and having a magically-appearing picnic with three people you don't know.

So that was weird.  But I did wake up in a really good mood, feeling very optimistic today.

Garage Door Drama

My garage door has been broken for just about a year now.  I have no idea how old it is.  It may very well be older than I am.  (The former owner very nicely left a washer and dryer here when he moved out.  The dryer, which I still use because it works, is older than I am, the washing machine not far behind.  And I really mean nicely too, as I owned zero appliances or furniture when I bought the place other than some chairs and bookshelves.  But I digress.)  All I know for certain is that he had to repaint the door, as lead paint was chipping off, when I bought the house three years ago.

The door always looked a little rough.  The panels that should be flat are kind of concave.  The paint is flaky.  Who knows how many years the door has been there, guarding the contents of the garage. It has done an honorable job, as there is still legible chalk graffiti on the wall, written by a former owner, proclaiming their love for Shaun Cassidy in a big pink heart.

About a year ago, the poor door opened for the last time.  The screws holding on the bottom of the door literally rusted off, and the very bottom row of panels fell off.  Everything has gone in and out through the side door since that dark day, for fear that opening the poor old door again will cause it to totally collapse.

Poor old door, still working hard..even if a little tilted

For Christmas, my father got me a new garage door.  Awesome present!  He ordered it from Lowe's, to be installed by December 2nd.  A different company that specializes in overhead garage doors will actually be doing the installation.  I was very excited!

So the installation company calls and says they will do the installation at 8am on November 14th.  I remember it specifically because my father was going to have to come over to watch them because I had work and was bringing in a gigantic birthday cake for a coworker, so this was just inconvenient timing.

Meanwhile, Lowe's had called and set an installation appointment for Monday the 18th.  Um, okay.  As long as someone shows up with the door.

The morning of the 14th comes around.  I'm getting ready to leave for work, my father had just poured himself a cup of coffee and was waiting for the installers to arrive.  His cell phone rings.  It's the installers.  They aren't coming because Lowe's did not send them the door yet. Fantastic.  

Monday morning, repeat scenario.  This is the date that Lowe's had said the installation would take place.  I leave for work, my father is waiting at the house.  No one ever shows up.  He eventually leaves and calls Lowe's, where he has to leave a number and a message because no one can talk to him right now.

He eventually speaks to the store manager.  The manager tells him that no one from Lowe's should ever have called to set an appointment for installation to begin with, as they don't do that.  He also was able to tell that my door had not even been finished yet -- they were still building it. 

Say what?  So the door isn't finished, and no one from Lowe's should have called to make an installation appointment, even though someone totally did, and you also gave your installation company the wrong information as they obviously thought they were supposed to have had a door to install on the 14th.  I'm not feeling too warm and fuzzy about this whole process right now.

A couple days later Lowe's calls to find out how the installation went.  Are you kidding?  The door has not been installed.  You have not even built the door yet!  How can you think it was installed when it hasn't been built?

The beginning of last week, it might have been the 26th, we get a call from the installation company.  They are going to come on December 4th to install the door.  Sure, whatever.  I'll believe it when it actually happens.  Who knows, maybe Lowe's actually has built the door and will have shipped it to them this time.

This past Saturday, November 30th, my father gets a call from Lowe's.  They leave a message asking how the installation went.  Seriously?  How can your internal communications be this poor?

So there may or may not be a garage door being installed tomorrow.  Who knows?  We shall have to wait and see.

Meanwhile, last week I picked out a color and style for new siding.  I gave the contractor my choice last Monday.

They were here yesterday to start work.  They have finished the demo, and are already about halfway done putting up the insulation and siding.  In two days!  Less than a week later!  

Maybe Lowe's should talk to them about organization and communication.  

Things might get really interesting at my house tomorrow if the siding guys are here and the garage door actually arrives.  I've got one long skinny driveway and a very tiny backyard for all of them to work in.  Good luck, gentleman!

In Which Instagram's #WHP Kicks My Ass

I love Instagram.  Some might say a little too much.  I'm not one of the people taking pictures of every meal they eat, or endless "selfies".  I tend more toward trying to capture places, or events, or nature -- trees in autumn, the way a moss-covered statue sort of blends in with its surroundings, the Dead End sign directly in front of a cemetery.  You get the idea.

If you are not familiar with Instagram, every Friday they post a Weekend Hashtag Project (#WHP).  They give you a topic or idea that you are supposed to work with over the weekend, and then you post your photo or video using the hashtag they have assigned.  It is really pretty cool to see how creative and inventive people can be, how many different ways people can interpret the same prompt.    At the end they feature what they think are the best submissions.

I try to enter when I have the time to do it.  I actually did get chosen as one of the featured submissions once, when they first rolled out the video feature.  The number of people "following" me went from like 12 friends and family members to a couple hundred.  It was insane!  Also, it happened while my niece and nephew were here visiting, so I got to be "cool" in front of them.  Thanks, Instagram!  Here is the video, if you'd like to see it.


This weekend Instagram posted a project to submit a video shot in slow motion. #WHPslowmotion  Excellent!  I really want to try this.

Except I have no idea how to shoot in slow motion. Best go back and read that write-up again, as I think it gave suggestions on how to accomplish this.

Okay, so it would appear that I need to get an app, since I don't have an iPhone 5S.    They suggest SloPro.  I assume Instagram knows what they are talking about, that this is the best one to use, so I get the app.

Now the hard part: what am I going to shoot that will look cool in slow motion?  Birds!  Birds flying in slo-mo will be pretty neat.  This, as it turns out, will be the easiest part of the whole project.  I stake out the birds in my back yard, and I record them.

Footage, check!

Now to use the SloPro app.

Not going to lie, I wasted quite a bit of time on this part.  Not a lot of directions or help were included on what the hell you are supposed to be doing to edit your footage.  Eventually I figure out how to clip it down to a more usable length.  I was a little nervous that I was probably going to screw up the only usable video I had might make a mistake, and I didn't see an "undo" feature.  Also, there was a wee bit of poor planning on my part.  While recording my bird footage, I kind of spaced on the fact that it was going to take longer to watch in slow-motion.   Yeah.  Little oopsie on my part.  Turns out a minute and a half of footage is way more than you could ever possibly need for a 15 second Instagram video in slow motion.

Moving on.

After a large amount of time -- more than I will ever admit to here -- I get it down to 28 seconds of slow motion video.  Alright, feeling good!  I just want to save it to my camera roll.  I'll pick the 15 seconds to show when I post it to Instagram.   Except, as it turns out, you can't just save it to your camera roll.  You can post it to several places -- Vine, Viddy, Youtube, to name a few -- but not save it to your iPhone.  The option is there, but it is not available.

I click on it anyway.  Turns out you have to buy the app for $3.99 to be able to save to your camera roll.  Mother f@#$ing figures.  You win, SloPro, you win.  I just wasted hours of my life too much of my time on this to not be able to save the damn video.  Here's your money.  Just let me save my damn video.

Now I go to Instagram to post.  Beautiful, lovely Instagram where everything makes sense and there are no problems.  I get the video, I chose the part I want, get all the way to the preview and what the heck has happened to my video?!?!  It looked fine when I was choosing which part I wanted to use, but in preview it looks completely distorted.  I don't have the slightest idea what happened.  It looks almost like I shot it with a fish-eye lens.  I know what I am supposed to be viewing, and I am hard pressed to tell what I am looking at.  I didn't use a filter for fear of messing things up, but something has gone horribly wrong in any case.

I will spare you the gory details where I cursed out SloPro many, many times.  After repeatedly saving different versions of the video, and getting the same spectacularly screwed up results when trying to post to Instagram, I was more than a little frustrated.  I had also spent too much time on this to NOT post this freaking video.  I had it saved to my camera roll now, so maybe I just needed a different app to get it to be normal when I use it with Instagram.

As much as I was hating SloPro at the moment, they might also have helped me dodge a bullet.  Poor planning point #2:  I totally forgot about the background noise.  After watching the same slo-mo bird video over, and over, and over, I realized that the soundtrack was a scintillating composition created of equal parts of me breathing and the melodic sound of traffic on the highway in the distance.  Yes, it did warn about that in the initial Instagram post.  No comments from the peanut gallery.  No one likes a know-it-all.

Fantastic.  Time to hit up Google and find out how to add music to an Instagram video.  I cannot post this video the way it is.  One of the first results is for the app Video Star.  It's got good ratings and, best of all, it is free. I like free, especially after having to bribe SloPro to let me save my video.

So I get the Video Star app.  This looks a little more complicated than I anticipated.  However, to their credit, they have an easy to find Help section, and lots of tutorials for doing fancy things to videos.  It's really a shame that I do not care about multi-layered anything at this point.  I just want to put some music to my damn bird video and post this shit to Instagram.  Is that too much to ask?

Yes, yes it is.

I get the snippet of music I want to use with the video.  Turns out you can take it directly from the music on your phone.  Fantastic!  I thought that was going to be the hard part, that I was going to have to scour the internet for free music that wasn't going to get me sued into oblivion for using it.  What I cannot find, however, is the option to use a video that I already have on my phone.

I waste a lot more time reading through the "how to create a video" section and watching tutorials.  I don't see anything about using a video you already have on your phone.  I'm pretty sure that I could now create a video of my cat sleeping, complete with computer generated flowers blossoming around the edge of the frame, while the dulcet tones of Metallica's Enter Sandman speed her off to little kitty dreamland in the background.  What I cannot figure out how to do is use a video that I already have on my damn phone.

Back to Google we go.  I literally searched "how to import video from iphone to videostar".  My brain was shot by this point.  I just wanted this over and the video posted.  I find a review of the app, and it is there that I learn that you cannot import video that you have already taken.  Are you kidding me?  Are you freaking kidding me?  GAAHHHHH!!!!!

The same lovely review mentions that iMovie is still the best for doing fine editing, adding music, using video you already have, and probably some other stuff but I stopped reading at that point.  iMovie, you say?  I really hope that isn't something you can only get when you buy an Apple computer.  Back to the App Store we go to search for iMovie.

Success!!  Thank you Apple for having an app for that!

And it costs $4.99.

Screw it.  I'm buying it.  I do not care how much it costs at this point!  This sounds like the magical app that is going to solve all of my problems.

So I open iMovie.  I swear to God a choir of little angels should have been playing!  Thank you Apple for making it pretty damn self-explanatory and easy to use.  You can hit one freaking button and get prompts for what everything on the screen does.

Apple, I love you so much right now.  

No lie, using iMovie it took about 15 minutes to edit that video and add music.  Saved it to my camera roll, posted it to Instagram, and it all worked perfectly.  Perfectly!!  If I could reach into my phone and hug an app right now I totally would.

When I think of how long it took to do this, the wasted time and effort I spent on this stupid "fun" project, I could cry.  And the video?  Not anything spectacular.  But I did it.  I realize there are probably pre-teens out there who can knock out a much better video in a fraction of the time, probably with one hand tied behind their back and blindfolded.  I do not care!  I freaking did it!

Here is the masterpiece.  Try not to be overcome by how spectacularly boring it is.  Or to wonder how in the world it took me so long to only come up with this as the result.

 Click to view my labor of love. The bane of my existence. You know you want to. Click me!!

In summary:  Just buy iMovie and save yourself a world of trouble.

**Turns out you can make a whole slow-motion video on iMovie in seconds too -- from start to finish.  Just discovered that now.  F@#$ing figures.**

Don't Let It Snow

So right now the weather forecast for Thanksgiving, and the day before, is still up in the air.  We are supposed to get a big storm.  No one seems sure yet whether it will be a lot of rain and wind, ending with some snow, or whether it will be a ton of snow.

Personally, I never want it to be snow.  I am not a snow fan.  It is pretty once, then it is just a giant pain in the ass.  I don't like shoveling it, I hate having to scrape off the car, and I don't like driving in it.  I don't ski, so there is really nothing enjoyable about it in my book.

It really just drives me nuts that, on the local forecast page on Facebook, people are all excited and saying how much they hope we get tons of snow.

Really?  You want a ton of snow the day before Thanksgiving and into Thanksgiving itself?  Because it is pretty?

To me that reads as, "I like snow and think it would be really pretty to have lots at Thanksgiving!  Also, I don't have to travel at all so I don't give a shit about anyone else."

Why in the world would anyone wish for a major snow storm on two of the busiest travel days?  You want people to be stuck in an airport for the holiday?  That would be a less than stellar Thanksgiving.

You think it would be awesome for there to be a ton of accidents while people try to drive, or walk, to their more local destinations to be with family and friends?  I'm sure all of the paramedics and firemen who would then have to go out on the bad roads appreciate that as well -- especially if they are so busy more people have to get called in to cover.  Or maybe everyone else should just be willing to spend the holiday at home, not with their family, because the snow would be so pretty.

How about all of the highway employees who would have to be out?  Totally cool for them to be out, trying to clear the roads and keep them passable, right?  I'm sure they won't mind missing Thanksgiving with their families because you want it to snow really hard.

Or the poor people who work retail, for corporations that clearly don't give a shit about anything other than the almighty dollar?  (I'm looking at you, K-Mart.  Opening at 6am Thanksgiving morning.  WTF.)  I would be willing to bet that the majority of people who got scheduled to work that day aren't happy about it.  So you want to wish for bad weather to make it even worse to have to go to work that day?  Makes perfect sense!  Let's hope the weather is really bad, then the roads will be bad, and now these poor people can have a longer and more dangerous trip to work.  They really deserve to be punished for trying to keep the job they have!  I'm sure they wouldn't have to worry about being fired if they called in that day.  They already work for a business that cares more about getting people to come buy more shit they don't really need than about the employees spending a holiday with their families.  I'm sure the same corporate overlords would be totally understanding if someone can't make it in because of the weather.

Sorry.  This turned into a rant.  You want to wish for a shit-ton of snow?  Be my guest -- just do it on a different day.

(As a side note:  no one should be shopping on Thanksgiving.  I don't care how great the sale is, or how much you think you need the latest and greatest whatever.  You are part of the problem.  If you keep going shopping on Thanksgiving, then all the stores are going to see is that they can make $$, and then they will open even earlier the next year.  This guy summed it all up really well here.)

The Carrot of Justice

So, I just got one of the strangest phone calls I have ever received.  I'm pretty sure it was a prank on some level -- I'm just not sure if I was the one being pranked, or if someone was messing with the guy who called me.

Around 10:30 this morning I get a phone call. The guy asks for Thomas Anderson.  I tell him he has the wrong number, there is no one here by that name, and we hang up.

Whatever.  Time to get some coffee!

Five minutes later the phone rings again.  Same dude.  Still asking for Thomas Anderson.

I tell him again that he has the wrong number, that he just called a few minutes ago.  This is what ensues...

Guy:  Okay, but before you hang up, is this xxx-xxx-xxxx?

Me:  Yes, that is my phone number.  There is no one here by that name.

Guy: Really?  Huh.  Well, do you know anyone named Thomas Anderson who might have entered your phone number on a website to contact about making a donation?  (Poor guy sounds perplexed.)

Me: No.  I'm really sorry.  The only Thomas Anderson I know of is Keanu Reeves in The Matrix.  I'm sure it is a common name, but I think someone might be messing with you.

Guy:  Any chance this is a new phone number for you?  Have you gotten any other calls for a Thomas Anderson?

Me:  Nope, sorry.  I've had this number for 3 years.  I've gotten lots of debt collection calls for previous people at this number, but not for the name Thomas Anderson.  Usually they are looking for Cyan Gregory or Zeckie Grizzle.

Guy: Zeckie Grizzle?  For real?

Me: Yeah, that's what I thought too.

Guy:  So no one there pledged a donation on the Carrot of Justice website?

Me:  The what?

Guy: I'm affiliated with a charity called The Carrot of Justice.  Someone contacted us from our website, a Thomas Anderson, that they wanted to make a donation and to contact them at this phone number.

Me:  *GoogleGoogleGoogleGoogle*  I've never heard of The Carrot of Justice, and neither has Google.  I just did a search and got no results.

I love Google.  

Guy:  We're real, I promise!  We just don't waste money paying Google to put us in their top search results.

Me: That's a pretty specific name to find.  It should come up before random recipes for carrot juice.

Guy:  Well, we are a small local organization, right here in Colorado...

Me:  Wait, wait, wait.  You're calling from Colorado?

Guy:  Yes.

Me:  You know you're calling New York now, right?

Guy: I am? Huh.  That doesn't seem right. *shuffling papers*

Me: No, it doesn't. There's probably very little chance that anyone from New York has even heard of The Carrot of Justice, much less looked up your website to make a donation.  Also, it's like 10:30 in the morning here, which is what...8:30 in Colorado?  I doubt anyone really wants you calling them at 8:30 in the morning on a Sunday about a donation.

At this point I think we are pretty much done here, so I go to warm up my coffee.  

Guy: *shuffling papers*  Hello, are you still there?  I can't hear you, the lines gotten very static.

Me:  *HOW IS THIS NOT OVER YET*  Yeah, I'm still here.  Just had to get more coffee.

Guy:  Now I hear it.

Me: Now you hear what?

Guy:  That I am really calling someone in New York.  Coffee.  Sounds very different when you say it.

Me:  Okay.  Look, I don't want to waste your time.  I'm not going to give a donation to the Carrot of Justice in Colorado.  

Guy: Oh no, I totally understand!  I wouldn't give me any information over the phone either!

Me: Okay....

Guy:  I just wanted to thank you for all of your help.  You've been really nice to a guy who called the wrong number.

Me: You're welcome.  Not your fault you got bad information.

Guy:  I really appreciate that!  I'm trying to help out a friend who gave me all of these people to call, and I really don't know what I am doing.

Me:  Best of luck with that.  And you might want to wait a little longer before calling people.  Still kind of early to be calling people in Colorado about donations.

Guy:  Good point.  Thanks again!  And they say New Yorkers are all rude. Thanks for proving the stereotype wrong.  Have a good day!

Me:  You too.  Bye!

And here ends the strangest phone call I have ever gotten.  

I honestly do not know if this was a prank phone call on me, or if someone is really messing with a very oddly named charity group in Colorado. Maybe there really is a Thomas Anderson who is very confused about his phone number and messed up the area code or something  wanted to make a donation. (*Edit note: I Googled area codes.  The codes for Colorado are not remotely close to mine, so a typo is not possible.*)   In hindsight, I really wish I had thought to ask what the heck the charity was about.  

So, people of Colorado  -- if you know that this is a real group, let me know please?  And also, you're welcome.  Maybe I really did spare some of you from this guy calling you early on a Sunday morning.

And Thomas Anderson, apparently from somewhere in Colorado, if you really exist -- stop giving out my damn phone number!  

Lucky Number 13

This flag will be coming down immediately.  People are taking it too literally.

I was lucky enough to have the day off today.  My big plans were to sit and relax with my coffee this morning, then go out shopping with my mother later.  Nothing fancy -- she needs decorations for the Moose Lodge, I need to track down candy to try to make candy sushi later this week for a cake.    I call my mother, we make plans, she'll drive and pick me up.  Stores are probably going to be crazy.

Around 11:45 I'm checking out Facebook, drinking coffee.  House is quiet, it's sunny so the lights aren't on. The cats are sleeping or watching the birds -- it's peaceful.

*Ding Dong*

I'm not expecting anyone other than my mother, and it is too early for her to be here.  I can see my front door from where I am on the laptop, and I see the silhouette of a woman in a coat and fancy hat at the door.  My mind immediately screams "Jehovahs!", as they are always nicely dressed when they show up.

Hell no, I'm not opening that door!

I freeze.  No movement will take place.  I shall play possum and hope she goes away.

*knock knock knock*

I duck behind the screen of the laptop, thankful that I wasn't listening to music or playing a game or on any kind of website that makes noise.

*swishhhh*

And something slides under the door, and I see her leave.

Not moving yet, and definitely not opening the door.  She could be lying in wait out there, like a ninja ready to silently pop out and get me.

10 minutes go by....

I creep into my bedroom to look out the window.  They are still there.  Their car is parked directly in front of my house.  Damn!

Grab the phone and creep to the back of my house, just to be sure they don't hear me and realize I am home.  I call my mother:

"Houston, we have a problem.  Jehovahs are encamped in front of my house.  Please delay leave time by at least 15 minutes.  We'll see if this obstacle removes itself."

Eventually their car leaves, about 10 minutes later.

I sneak out onto the front porch -- no sign of them or the car anywhere on the street.  I decide it is probably safe to bring the garbage and recycling cans back up from the street.  I grab the recycling can and make a break for the garage in the back.

No problems, and still no sign of them.  Lulled into a false sense of security, I wander back to the front to grab the garbage can.  Halfway back up the driveway I hear:  "Hello!  Hello Dear!"

I turn around and there it is, the car full of four ladies -- the ladies I have been avoiding.  It's stopped at the bottom of my driveway.  Shit.

I pause to assess the situation, and the driver says something, but I can't really hear it.  All I can make out is the word "library".  Oh fuck me, my cover is now blown.  So I head toward the car and tell them I didn't hear what they said.

Driver:  I said, you work at the library don't you?
Me: Yes I do.
Driver:  I thought I recognized you!
Me: *from the back, walking up my driveway?!  Creepy!*  Yup, you were right!
Driver:  Tell me, did you get the pamphlet that this lady left under your door?
Me: Yes I did.
Driver: Tell me, have you gotten one of these already?  Have other people been through here recently with this pamphlet?

Look familiar, folks?  

This would be the point where I mentally begin kicking myself, as apparently even when I am not at work I can't help but be a helpful source of information to people.  Also, I'm thinking at least one of my neighbors must be less than amused at the constant visits and told one of the ladies that they already had this material.  Probably in a nicer way than I would have.

Me:  Yes, actually.  I got one of those left under my door last week, I believe.
Driver:  Last week?
Me:  Day after Halloween.  I didn't see anyone, but I found it on my porch and it wasn't there the day before.
Driver: Huh.  Someone must have been here already.

And at that point I think I am off the hook.  I'd like to think there is some level of coordination that must have gone wrong, and someone didn't report back that they had tried to save my street already.

I start to back away, and the older lady in the passenger seat chirps up..

Lady: What are those symbols you are wearing on your neck, dear?
Me: *WTF.  Are we not done here?*  My necklaces?
Lady:  Yes, that top one in particular.

These would be the "symbols" being discussed.

Me:  It's a crow.  See?  *And now I have to move back up to the car, and turn it sideways so she can see it is a crow's head.*

Lady:  Oh.  I didn't realize that.  And what's that other one, a turtle?

Me: Yes, it's a turtle.  I like crows and turtles.

Lady:  Oh.  They're...nice.

Me: Thanks! *smile*

Lady: Well, we have to be going now.

Me: Have a nice day!

And as they pulled away I swear I heard her say something about my "symbols" meaning something.

So now I have probably offered proof that I am the Spawn of Satan, and my "symbols" are probably a sign that I am in a cult, or a witch, or the like.  Awesome.  I'm sure that won't make them come back even more to try saving me. Added bonus that it can now be awkward as hell when the patron comes to the library and we both try not to acknowledge her little visit to my house.

And that, friends, is the story of my thirteenth visit by the Jehovah's Witnesses in three years.