Sheer Dumb Luck

(AKA Sometimes Music Causes Problems)

Hey, Friends.

We all know there are certain things that one should NEVER do while driving. Some of them are illegal, some are not -- all are incredibly stupid things to attempt.

Don't drink and drive.

Don't text and drive.

Don't attempt to do your make-up and hair while driving.  (I literally saw a woman almost hit a guy in the crosswalk the other morning because she was trying to curl her eyelashes while driving. WTF is wrong with you, lady?)

As for myself, I also need to add to my personal list: don't get too distracted rocking out to the music that you forget to watch your speedometer.

Yeah.  I have a little problem with that, Friends.

This was established when I was in college.  I was in the car with friends, and we were on the way back from a concert and listening to Nine Inch Nails -- probably much louder than we normally would have been.  It was late, there was really no traffic at all.  We were out in the middle of nowhere.  I did not realize we were about to enter an intersection that apparently constituted a town, and that the speed limit was suddenly going to drop from 55 to 30.  I also did not see the police car parked just on the other side of the sign, waiting for someone like me to come along.  My friends were useless and didn't see the cop early either.  I managed to get down to 49 before he got me on radar.  This, as I was informed, was a good thing as it would have been much more expensive if I was 20 miles an hour or more over the speed limit.  Of course, the officer also opened with, "You coming back from the concert?"  He literally was just lying in wait to bust people.

Fair or not, I blame Trent Reznor for this ticket.  If I wasn't so absorbed in the music I might have noticed the change in the speed limit a little earlier.  To this day I will not listen to Nine Inch Nails while driving.

Jump ahead to this morning's incident.

I had to take my car in to get serviced.  Not a big deal, couple of recall issues to be dealt with. Everything came out just fine, and I was in my own happy little bubble on the way back home.  It's about a 30-45 minute drive, depending on the traffic.  I was on the highway, listening to whatever music I had on my phone since I didn't feel like hearing commercials.

I was rocking out, enjoying the fine musical stylings of Korn (as found above), when I heard the police siren in the distance and noticed the lights coming up behind me.

Have you ever had that moment, Friends, when you see the police car, look at your speedometer, and know without question that you are well and truly screwed? I was just about 15 miles an hour over the speed limit.  Fuck.

So, like a good person I slowed down and pulled off to the shoulder.  Maybe he was just on the way to an emergency.  Not that I wanted there to be an emergency, but it would be super-convenient for me if he was in a hurry to somewhere else.

And then I started to consider some things:

Does that excuse that you were "just keeping up with the flow of traffic" really work? Because I was totally keeping up with the flow.  We might have been in the front of the flow, but there were several cars together.  Heck, that car from Connecticut blew past me about a mile back like I was standing still!  If I try that excuse, is it a legitimate reason to be speeding, or is it going to result in the officer giving me a look like "Bitch, please," and getting annoyed?  I know how I feel when patrons at work make up lame excuses to try and get out of overdue fees. 

I had a roommate in college whose father was a District Attorney, and she swore that if we ever got pulled over we should just start crying.  She said cops don't know what to do when confronted with a crying female.  Well, that's not going to happen.  That seems a little lame and pathetic to even attempt.

Okay. Breathe. It's going to be okay. I will just sit here and hope for the best.  Maybe the cop will go right on by.  I will not give a lame excuse and tick off the officer.  I will not cry....unless he is really mean and wants to arrest me or something, in which case I will probably freak the hell out.  I will just sit here and suck it up, as I know I am totally busted and deserve the ticket.  Also, I am worthless at trying to lie so there is no point in trying to come up with an imaginary valid reason to be speeding.

And then the police car flew right on by me.

I really almost did cry then.  Tears of pure joy and relief.

I got back on the road -- doing the speed limit this time.  A little farther down the road, and there is Mr. Police Officer, and he has pulled over the car from Connecticut.  I don't know where they started following him, or what speed they clocked him at, but I'm pretty sure that dude is screwed.

What did we learn here today, Friends?

1) Speeding is bad.  Don't be like me.  Be a safe driver who doesn't have a mini panic attack when they think a cop is about to bust them.

2) Don't be like the dude from Connecticut.  There's speeding, and then there is driving like a bat out of hell.  Also, don't be that stupid in a different state. There is far less chance that he will come back to fight the ticket versus someone more local.

3) Korn is now on my list of "Artists Whose Music I Cannot Listen To While Driving".  Sorry, guys.  The temptation to speed is just too great.

Rules of the Road

There are many things that bother me when driving.  I think a little common sense, patience and courtesy could go a long way in decreasing road rage and accidents.  We could all have a much more pleasant time driving to work. Here is an ever-growing list of things I dislike about driving.  I'm sure I am not alone on some of these.

Why does it seem like someone always has to pull out directly in front of me and cut me off, even if there is no traffic behind me?   Those extra few seconds were so important that you just had to get in front of me?

Must you drive so close to my back bumper that it looks like you are going to hit me?  Just pass me if I am not speeding enough for you!  Continually riding my bumper will only make me slow down to doing the exact speed limit.  I really don't want you to hit me, even if it would be your fault.

Motorcyclists -- you make me nervous.  Most of you are very good drivers and follow all of the rules.  I worry that somebody is going to hit you, since there are some terrible drivers around here.  That being said, could you please have a word with the idiots on the crotch rockets that seem to think they are invincible?  Weaving in and out of traffic stopped at a red light in an attempt to get to the front and cut everyone off?  Not bright.  It's also not a good idea to try to pop a wheelie in the middle of a 3 lane highway.  I've seen both just in the past week.

Bicyclists -- I don't like you when I am driving or as a pedestrian.  Many of you don't seem to think you have to follow the rules of the road when riding in traffic.  As a pedestrian it scares the crap out of me when you come riding up behind me super fast and then ring a bell to warn me you are there.  All it does is startle me, and it might make me flake out and step right into your path.

Pedestrians -- crosswalks are your friends.  Use them.  Don't just step off the curb willy-nilly in the middle of a block crowded with parked cars and assume that traffic knows you are going to attempt to run across the street.  We are not mind readers, and there is a good chance you will get squished.

Old People in Parking Lots-- you are the scariest drivers.  I've seen, heard, and felt more than a few of you hit the building I work in while attempting to parallel park.  Do everyone a favor and park in a regular spot (just not near my car, thanks).

The lawn service truck that almost took me out yesterday -- I'm not sure you know how to drive, or if you even really have a license.  A red light means stop.  It does not mean to continue on your way through a busy intersection and hope that the people with the green light can stop in time.

Aficionados of the horn -- There are times when it makes perfect sense to blow your horn.  The split-second the light turns green, especially when you are the 5th car back in line, is not one of them.  That is just annoying.

People who do not get out of the way when an ambulance is trying to get through -- you suck!  What if it was your family member or friend that was injured?  What if you were the one the ambulance was racing to save?  I bet you wouldn't like it if people slowed them down.  Pull over and let them through.  The short time you are delayed won't kill you, but it might kill somebody else.  (That goes for all emergency vehicles -- it just really bothers me that people can't make way for an ambulance.)

I didn't mean for this to sound like an angry rant, but it kind of turned out that way.  I'm not a perfect driver by any means.  I've gotten a speeding ticket.  I was in an accident -- a guy backed into me when pulling out of his driveway, then said he "thought he hit a tree."  Really?  A tree growing in the middle of the road?