Thursday, April 28, 2016

Sheer Dumb Luck

(AKA Sometimes Music Causes Problems)

Hey, Friends.

We all know there are certain things that one should NEVER do while driving. Some of them are illegal, some are not -- all are incredibly stupid things to attempt.

Don't drink and drive.

Don't text and drive.

Don't attempt to do your make-up and hair while driving.  (I literally saw a woman almost hit a guy in the crosswalk the other morning because she was trying to curl her eyelashes while driving. WTF is wrong with you, lady?)

As for myself, I also need to add to my personal list: don't get too distracted rocking out to the music that you forget to watch your speedometer.

Yeah.  I have a little problem with that, Friends.

This was established when I was in college.  I was in the car with friends, and we were on the way back from a concert and listening to Nine Inch Nails -- probably much louder than we normally would have been.  It was late, there was really no traffic at all.  We were out in the middle of nowhere.  I did not realize we were about to enter an intersection that apparently constituted a town, and that the speed limit was suddenly going to drop from 55 to 30.  I also did not see the police car parked just on the other side of the sign, waiting for someone like me to come along.  My friends were useless and didn't see the cop early either.  I managed to get down to 49 before he got me on radar.  This, as I was informed, was a good thing as it would have been much more expensive if I was 20 miles an hour or more over the speed limit.  Of course, the officer also opened with, "You coming back from the concert?"  He literally was just lying in wait to bust people.

Fair or not, I blame Trent Reznor for this ticket.  If I wasn't so absorbed in the music I might have noticed the change in the speed limit a little earlier.  To this day I will not listen to Nine Inch Nails while driving.

Jump ahead to this morning's incident.

I had to take my car in to get serviced.  Not a big deal, couple of recall issues to be dealt with. Everything came out just fine, and I was in my own happy little bubble on the way back home.  It's about a 30-45 minute drive, depending on the traffic.  I was on the highway, listening to whatever music I had on my phone since I didn't feel like hearing commercials.

I was rocking out, enjoying the fine musical stylings of Korn (as found above), when I heard the police siren in the distance and noticed the lights coming up behind me.

Have you ever had that moment, Friends, when you see the police car, look at your speedometer, and know without question that you are well and truly screwed? I was just about 15 miles an hour over the speed limit.  Fuck.

So, like a good person I slowed down and pulled off to the shoulder.  Maybe he was just on the way to an emergency.  Not that I wanted there to be an emergency, but it would be super-convenient for me if he was in a hurry to somewhere else.

And then I started to consider some things:

Does that excuse that you were "just keeping up with the flow of traffic" really work? Because I was totally keeping up with the flow.  We might have been in the front of the flow, but there were several cars together.  Heck, that car from Connecticut blew past me about a mile back like I was standing still!  If I try that excuse, is it a legitimate reason to be speeding, or is it going to result in the officer giving me a look like "Bitch, please," and getting annoyed?  I know how I feel when patrons at work make up lame excuses to try and get out of overdue fees. 

I had a roommate in college whose father was a District Attorney, and she swore that if we ever got pulled over we should just start crying.  She said cops don't know what to do when confronted with a crying female.  Well, that's not going to happen.  That seems a little lame and pathetic to even attempt.

Okay. Breathe. It's going to be okay. I will just sit here and hope for the best.  Maybe the cop will go right on by.  I will not give a lame excuse and tick off the officer.  I will not cry....unless he is really mean and wants to arrest me or something, in which case I will probably freak the hell out.  I will just sit here and suck it up, as I know I am totally busted and deserve the ticket.  Also, I am worthless at trying to lie so there is no point in trying to come up with an imaginary valid reason to be speeding.

And then the police car flew right on by me.

I really almost did cry then.  Tears of pure joy and relief.

I got back on the road -- doing the speed limit this time.  A little farther down the road, and there is Mr. Police Officer, and he has pulled over the car from Connecticut.  I don't know where they started following him, or what speed they clocked him at, but I'm pretty sure that dude is screwed.

What did we learn here today, Friends?

1) Speeding is bad.  Don't be like me.  Be a safe driver who doesn't have a mini panic attack when they think a cop is about to bust them.

2) Don't be like the dude from Connecticut.  There's speeding, and then there is driving like a bat out of hell.  Also, don't be that stupid in a different state. There is far less chance that he will come back to fight the ticket versus someone more local.

3) Korn is now on my list of "Artists Whose Music I Cannot Listen To While Driving".  Sorry, guys.  The temptation to speed is just too great.

No comments:

Post a Comment