Saturday, March 4, 2017

Long and Weird

Hey, Friends.

Have you ever had a week that wasn't necessarily bad, but it just seemed super long because it was filled with weird and ridiculous things?  I know that sounds odd and a little vague.  I'll try to explain as best I can.

It all started on Monday.  I thought it was just a fluke -- one weird conversation that I was dragged into as a very confused participant.  In retrospect, I maybe should have taken it as a sign of how the entire week was going to play out.

I was at work, minding my own business and trying to get things accomplished, and this guy I've never seen before comes over to me and decides to start a conversation.  He opened by asking me if I have, "ever contemplated what life is like for the noble coconut?"  He was serious about it, too.

What?  I'm going to go with no. Is he really talking about a freaking coconut here, or is this some kind of code that I don't recognize?

So I told him that I hadn't really given any thought to coconuts.  I didn't know where he was going with this, and I saw no point pretending like I had given time to contemplating the life of a coconut. 

That was mistake, Friends.  I'm not sure there was actually a good answer to that question though, as I'm pretty sure he was going to have his say on the topic no matter what answer he got.  I got a whole lecture about how I was part of the problem.  Oh yeah. 

Did I ever eat coconut?  Yeah.  It's delicious.

Did I ever drink coconut water, or cook with coconut milk?  Yes to both.

That's why I was deemed part of "the problem", Friends.  Don't feel left out -- I'm sure he would consider you part of "the problem" as well. He went off about people only appreciating the parts of the coconut that they could eat or drink.  No one cared about using the entire coconut.  Why wasn't anything being done to make productive use of the hard outer shell?  The coconut should be just as respected as any other living thing, and "all of its resources should be used."

I might have made it worse when I mentioned that people did use the shells for things.  I have a little monkey statue made from pieces of coconut shells. Apparently he did not consider "tacky tourist crap" to be something of value.  The shells were solid, hard material that should be used to create things for the greater good.  He didn't seem to have any specifics on how that should happen or what those things should be, but was emphatic that it should be happening and the world was, "overlooking a wonderful resource."

That was Monday morning, Friends.  

There was a whole shit-storm of the weird and ridiculous happening that I can't talk about.  We're only going to touch upon the surface stuff here, kids.  I'm going to give you the most amusing parts of the week.

By the time Thursday rolled around, I figured everyone could use a little treat.  

**A bit of a digression for a moment...
I rarely use Twitter from my laptop unless I need to post something here.  I can't even imagine trying to type this all on my phone or Kindle Fire.  I need a full keyboard and many tabs. To that end (and because I kind of suck at social media in general), I've only just now discovered the link to the Twitter Analytics on my profile page.  I don't ever see that on my phone.  There could be a whole post about this discovery in the near future.  But to get somewhat back on point, that tweet has apparently gotten more views than almost anything else I have ever posted.  Who the hell knew that Fruity Pebble Treats would be that damn popular?**

Where were we?  Thursday, right.

I work the late shift on Thursdays.  When I got to work I found out that the phones and computers had been down for part of the morning, but it was all rectified by the time I arrived.  Worked well for me, and clearly everyone was going to need the Fruity Pebble Treats even more than I had thought.

Later that afternoon, the police show up with lights a-blazing on their cars.  They are looking for a white male who "may or may not have any clothes on."  They got a call from the school down the street and thought he may have headed to the library. They checked the library and the used book store in the back of the building.  No naked man found.

We were all more than a little amused about the situation.  Did the police really think that we wouldn't have noticed, or called them, if there was a naked dude just wandering around in the library?

I actually made notes about the things that I said.  The staff was amused, but all of the patrons present had to ask what was going on and we had to explain.

"Nah.  I'm pretty sure we would have heard about it by now if the naked man had wandered in to join the knitting group."

"Because if you're naked and running from the cops, the library is totally the place to go!  You'll blend right in."

(Real talk -- it happens more often than you would think.  Let me Google that for you.)

"I made Fruity Pebble treats.  Eat one of those and you'll be wired for hours.  You won't miss any of the fun."

"I bet it was a senior prank.  Probably changed in the men's room long before the cops ever got here."

"No, we don't generally get a lot of naked people in the library."

Taking it down a few notches in excitement, you know what else is always amusing?  The titles on some of the romance novels.  Take a look if you have never paid any attention to them.  I had commented to a former coworker once about some of the character names being a little crazy, and she actually had an explanation for that.  She is a published author, reviewed a lot of things, proofread manuscripts,so she would be in a position to know.  She said a lot of the character names get changed because the authors will get feedback from the editors that they need to make the characters "fiery", or to "spice it up" a little bit.  She said that is when you end up with main characters named things like Cayenne -- clearly that author had hit the breaking point with the need to make things "spicier".  The titles themselves are just silly sometimes, and full of contradictions. I swear I once saw one called "The Playboy King's Mistress Bride".  What the hell does that even mean?

I don't remember the exact title of the book we discovered this week, but it had to be something pretty interesting to catch everyone's attention.  I wish I could remember what it was, but I know it led to me saying:

Because when I think I need someone to depend on, my first thought is always, "Damn it, where can I find a bull rider?"

Friends -- there are even better discoveries on Amazon.  I kid you not.  A couple years back I was trying to find a book on there for a kid that had something to do with a T-Rex when I made an amusing/disturbing discovery of the WTF variety. This obviously was not the book he was looking for, but it isn't something that you will forget seeing.  Like....ever.  I had no idea that such a thing even existed.  Click here if you want to know, but don't blame me when you can't forget about it.

Which brings us to yesterday when it was finally, blessedly, Friday.  I got out of work and had some things to do, errands to run.  I just wanted to get home and relax.  Couldn't just be easy though.

A new Popeyes opened very near my house, and that thing has screwed up traffic on a regular basis since day one.  Essentially, I really can't use one end of my street from lunch time on.  I kind of spaced on that fact when trying to get home last night and spent some quality time stuck in traffic caused by the drive-thru line that had backed up out into the street.

I'm listening to the radio, cursing my own stupidity for trying to get home that way, when there's a guy knocking on my window.  He keeps knocking until I crack the window enough to ask what he wants.  "You going to Popeyes?  I need some biscuits."  I tell him I'm not going there, just stuck in traffic.  I fully expected he was next going to ask for money, but he didn't.  He just wandered on to the next car and knocked on their window.

Fucking Popeyes is fast becoming the bane of my existence.

So that was my week, Friends.  It was full of weird and ridiculous things. I'm not saying that it is necessarily bad, as it was pretty amusing at times.  I just wish it had spread itself out a little over a few weeks rather than crammed all into the same one.  

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