Keep It Poppin'

Hey, Friends.

How was your week, Friends? Mine felt like it took an eternity to get through. I got out of work last night, went to my parents' house to take care of their cats (and eat a sandwich for dinner, which I think is a fair trade for cat-sitting duties), ran some errands, and went home to collapse on the couch in a puddle of exhaustion. I got home, fed Jazz-kitty, and I'm pretty sure I was in my pajamas on the couch before 7 pm. I could lie and say that I was resting up to do some epic St. Patrick's Day partying today and tonight, but that would be a dirty lie.

Before we go any further, I think I should take a moment to welcome the new Friends joining us here, because I think we have some of them. You see, while I was very busy being a lethargic lump on the couch last night, I decided to check the stats on my blog. I don't bother to do so very often since I'm not making money off of this thing, but when I do the stats always surprise me. Some of you went deep, and I mean deep -- like finding old posts from 2014 and 2015 that haven't been looked at or linked to in ages. I hope you enjoyed them! You picked some lovely examples of the kind of ridiculous misadventures and problems I tend to write about. You should have a pretty good idea of what you will find here at this point.

Where were we?

Right. I was in my pajamas on the couch, very busy being an inactive heap at an incredibly early hour of the evening. I did nothing productive with myself -- checked social media, watched some YouTube videos, read a book. Around 9 pm or so I started to feel a little peckish. I kind of wanted a snack, but I couldn't really decide what it was that I wanted, and I was too lazy to drag my ass off the couch and go look in the kitchen to see what options were in the house. It took almost an hour for me to finally be hungry enough that I was motivated to do something about it.

Now we've reached the actual point of this whole post, Friends. I bet you were beginning to think that I didn't have one this time around. Fooled you!

It was too late to try and do real cooking and eat an actual meal. Plus, I wasn't that hungry. Popcorn would do just fine. Popcorn is one of my favorite snacks. I've been known to skip a meal before going going to the movies just to make sure I can fully enjoy the deliciousness of movie theater popcorn. And then I remembered: I bought a fancy, new-to-me, microwave popcorn at the grocery store the last time I was there. How could I have forgotten?

The rest of this post is going to be about a particular product, Friends. I am not being sponsored by them, I was not given this stuff for free, and I'm not getting anything out of it. I bought it at the store, and my payoff is getting to eat the popcorn. I am not trying to influence your opinion about it one way or the other. Are we clear? If you want to go more in-depth down this path, feel free to click right over here and read all about that time someone asked me to be an "Influencer".

I needed musical accompaniment for this. Something to do with popping, since this is all about popcorn. I'll give you the two options that sprang to my mind. You can pick which way you want to go, opt to skip it all together, or choose your own musical adventure. This part of our story can be powered by your own imagination, Friends! Just know that whatever song you choose, I was bopping around in my kitchen, singing one of them to myself while watching the microwave do its thing. I'm not telling you which one -- you can decide how big a dork you think I am.

Option 1: Cute, sweet, classic.

Option 2: A different kind of classic

By now you're probably wondering a lot of things, Friends. Hopefully the biggest question is something along the lines of, "What the heck kind of popcorn got her so excited that she transformed from energy-depleted couch lump to a half-assed dance routine in the kitchen?" because that's the one I'm going to answer.

This one. This would be the popcorn in question.

Was that a bit of a let down? Sorry. We all know there are a bunch of different brands of microwave popcorn that claim to be movie theater style. I've eaten many of them, and while they are quite yummy they do not taste the same as the magically delicious popcorn in the theater. But this one? You get to pour the butter on yourself? I was intrigued. 

How was this not going to end up a gloppy disaster?  I've got a hot air popper. I've tried melting butter and pouring it on myself. It never ends well. Some pieces don't get any butter, others pieces melt into little mush balls -- like Dorothy throwing a bucket of water on the Wicked Witch of the West. And you wind up with a congealing puddle of goo in the bottom of the bowl. That was the reason I decided I should document this. Maybe it would turn out perfectly, maybe it would be a total mess. Let's find out together!

I opened the package and took out one packet with a bag and pouch inside.

You so know it's the "other natural flavors" part that's going to bring the magic

Not having tried this particular product before, I decided that I would actually read and follow all of the instructions. It's a novel idea, I know. It's not like I hadn't ever made microwave popcorn before, but now I had 2 pouches to contend with. Maybe double pouches meant you did things differently.

Poor popcorn button. It has one job that it wants to do, and now it will be denied the opportunity.

I followed the directions and left my poor little popcorn button unused, just sitting there on the microwave feeling neglected and hurt that it had been brushed aside for the more popular numbers. I listened attentively for the popping to slow. 

Okay, so I listened semi-attentively. I was also in the middle of my impromptu song and dance number.

Why yes, that is the beautiful decor on the bowl I chose to use

I chose to use a Halloween bowl. Don't judge me. I thought it would be the perfect vehicle for this event: it's wide and not too deep. I was going to have to pour butter "with other natural flavors" all over this popcorn. A wider bowl would allow me to cover more territory quickly. I figured that the faster I could pour, the less chance there was that I would end up with a gloppy mess. 

Besides, I had another job I had to do at the same time. I had to knead the butter packet. That's right, I was dancing, singing, and massaging my butter packet. And I was documenting this process! That's some serious multi-tasking right there, Friends.

No wonder they said knead. "Massaging my butter packet" sounds kind of dirty.

Okay, popcorn had slowed it's popping. Time for the next step.

See? Knead the topping pouch.

First of all, they are not joking when they say that the steam is going to be hot! I picked the bag up as directed and pulled from the corners. That steam still was hot enough that I ended up letting go with one hand and almost dropped the whole thing on the floor. Should I have let it sit in the microwave for a minute before attempting to open it? Probably, but I wanted the popcorn to be nice and warm and buttery when I finally got to eat it.

I don't want to brag, but as inattentive as my listening may have been, my popcorn came out pretty damn perfect. There was still steaming coming off of it when I poured it into the bowl, and not a single kernel left un-popped.

I have skills

Time to pour on the butter "with other natural flavors" packet. This was the moment where it could all go horrible wrong. Had I "kneaded my topping pouch" well enough? Was I about to ruin my perfect popcorn and turn it into a shriveled mess? Only one way to find out. 

Here we go!

No way! It really is like movie theater popcorn! There is no shrinking, nothing shriveled up as I poured the magic topping pouch onto it. This is nothing like trying to pour melted butter on popcorn. I mean, it's not that I expected that Orville Redenbacher had lied to me, but I also didn't really think it was going to work so well. 

The directions said to mix it well. I didn't want to use a spoon because that would just break the popcorn into pieces. I decided to go with the shaking method.

They totally shake it when they put butter on at the movie theater. I'm just copying the professionals.

Did it taste just like the movie theater? Pretty darn close! Bonus being that I didn't have to leave my house and pay for a movie to get it.

Even gives you that oily need for a napkin

I've got to say, I'm pleasantly surprised. I'm glad I've got another packet/pouch combo in the box so I can have it again at some point. Good job, Orville Redenbacher! I don't know what kind of butter-related sorcery you did to make this work, but I appreciate it. I suppose I could read the ingredients, but that would take away from the mystery of it all.

And thank you for reading this if you made it this far, Friends. Did it make you want some popcorn? I'm serious. You know how you don't realize you want popcorn, but as soon as you smell someone else making it you start craving it? Maybe that's just me. I might like popcorn a little more than the average person. (But really -- tell me if it made you want popcorn. And I suppose even if you do that healthy no-butter version I'll still count it. I'll question your taste judgment for sure, but I will accept you as a popcorn-loving friend.)

Jazz-kitty: Music Critic

Yesterday was a long day.  Last night found me just winding down, listening to some music while I was baking a cake to take to work today.  Yes, I find baking relaxing.  I don't care if you think that makes me weird.

Anyway, I had Pandora on the Top Hits station, and Taylor Swift's I Knew You Were Trouble came on.  I wasn't paying much attention to it, just had it on in the background.  You know, when you kind of want some music but you don't really care what it is?  That's where I was at.

Jazz-kitty starts bugging out.  Running around like a crazy thing -- into the kitchen, out of the kitchen, into the kitchen, etc.  She does this on a fairly regular basis. Sometimes she is annoyed because I'm not giving her all of my attention, sometimes it is because the weather is nice and she is just hyper.  She freaks out if I have been gone longer than usual at work-- will meet me at the door and then take off running all over.  Sometimes she is just nosy and is watching the neighbors outside in their yards, or the birds, and running from window to window.  My point is this:  there are a lot of reasons Jazz-kitty could be acting like a little spaz.

The Taylor Swift song ends, and she calms right down.

No way!

Could Jazz-kitty seriously have been protesting Taylor Swift?  Has my little cat become a music critic?  I had to investigate.

I go straight to iTunes and buy the song on my phone.  I go into the living room, turn up the volume, and start playing the song on my phone.  Jazz-kitty comes running in from the other room and tries to beat my iPhone senseless.

She really does not like this song.....

I wonder if she hates other songs and I have just never made the correlation before between her bugging out and the music playing?

So I put the phone on Shuffle, and lay it on the couch cushion.  I really don't want her to destroy the phone, but maybe it is the music coming out of the phone itself that she thinks is some sort of a toy.

First song up is Let's Go Crazy by Prince.  No reaction from Jazzy.  Interesting.  I guess the iPhone-as-toy theory has been proven wrong.

Owl City Fireflies?  That has potential -- there are some high pitches in there, maybe that is bothering her ears?  No reaction.

Okay -- no more random shuffle.  Let's narrow this down.

I try a few different female singers and get no response.  She actually laid down when Beyonce was on, like she was getting a little kitty lullaby or something.

I tried Dropkick Murphys thinking the bagpipes might bother her, if nothing else.  Nope.

So I put the Taylor Swift song on again.  Jazz-kitty gets up and starts smacking her paws on the iPhone.  Seriously cat?  It really is just T-Swift you hate?

I went back to iTunes and bought one of her older songs, Love Story, to see if that would have the same effect.  It did not.  Jazzy gave the phone dirty looks, but she didn't attack it.

So I bought that We Are Never Getting Back Together song.  Jazzy was not a fan.  Flipped the phone right over and almost knocked it onto the floor.

Apparently Jazz-kitty is not a Taylor Swift fan, but if she has to listen to the music she prefers the older songs and not her newer work.

Jazz-kitty even took a self-portrait for all of you!  I started the "evil" T-Swift song that freaks her out, and then I switched the phone to camera and reversed it, then put it on the couch.  Jazzy, as we all knew would happen, starts attacking the phone.  My experiment worked, and she kind of took a picture of herself.

What a smart, tech-savvy little girl!

**On the off-chance that Taylor Swift actually ever sees this at some point:  (Highly unlikely, but you never know.)**

Dear Taylor Swift,

Hi there.  

I do not mean to imply in any way that all cats hate your music, or just your newer hits.  

I have two cats -- the other is named Whiz, and she is older and far calmer than Jazzy.  She did not care one way or the other about any of the music I played, and chose to sleep through all of this nonsense.

I just think Jazz-kitty is adorable, and this amused me to no end.  Hopefully other people find it funny as well or I will just come off looking like one of those bat-shit crazy cat ladies.  

Thanks for not suing me into non-existence over this, or writing a song about what an evil person I am.  :)

Why is cooking so hard?

It's been a long day here, friends.  Cold, rainy, grey and generally yucky -- and then there was work on top of that.  By the time I got home I was not feeling the love of having to cook dinner.  I had to make something, so I decided on spaghetti and meatballs.  Pretty basic and should be easy.  Unless you screw it up, like I managed to do.

I'm not totally challenged in the kitchen.  I am an awesome baker, if I do say so myself.  I make cupcakes as a way to relax.  It's that whole making-an-actual-meal thing that has me flummoxed.   You have different parts that all have to be done at the same time or else some part is cold by the time the other part is done.  It's stressful!  Plus, I'm only cooking for myself.    If I screw it up no one else is going to know...unless I post it on here.  I end up eating in what I like to call "courses" quite often.  I don't mean on purpose, like at a fancy dinner.  This is more "Oops! I cooked the brussels sprouts too soon, and the chicken is no where near done" type of courses.  This kind of thing is at least salvageable because you can still eat all of it, just in a unique order.

Tonight's mistake was not able to be saved. 

I bet you think it was the meatballs I messed up, right?  You have to put seasoning and stuff in them, then roll them into balls of approximately the same size.  There's a lot of steps to potentially screw up there.  I can see why you thought it was the meatballs.    Plus, any moron can boil water and cook pasta, right?


Wrong!

 This moron managed to screw up the pasta part.  Oh yeah, I'm that talented.  The meatballs are delicious!  Of course I didn't screw that part up because it is baking.  I'm not kidding about being awesome at baking.

See, the meatballs have to bake for a while.  I put the water on to boil, like normal, because it will take a bit to heat up.  Water is boiling, so I drop the pasta in and give it a stir.  So the pasta is cooking, and that will take a few minutes, and the meatballs have to cook a while longer.  It's all going swimmingly.  Then I made my crucial error.  Since everything is going to take a few minutes, I decided to hop on ye old internet.

....And then I kind of forgot about the pasta I was cooking.

By the time I remembered to check on it, convinced it had only been a few minutes, I found a boiling pot of the mushiest, nastiest noodles I have ever encountered.  I have never seen pasta in this condition before.  I thought it was going to dissolve into glue.  The meatballs, on the other hand, were perfectly done.  So I had salad and meatballs for dinner. 

When I have a little cooking disaster like this (and it happens more often than I would like to admit), I like to cheer myself up by watching an episode of My Drunk Kitchen.  Hannah Hart cracks me up!  If you are not familiar with the wonderful My Drunk Kitchen and Hannah Hart (do you live under an internet rock?), allow me to introduce you. 

I should probably warn you here that there is some cursing in the video, some f-bombs will be dropped.  If this bothers you, I advise you don't watch it, okay?

I highly recommend that you watch all of her videos.   Episode 7: Tacos is one of my favorites.  Not that you have to watch it, but if you are bored then take it as a suggestion.