Even I Can't Believe That Happened: A Library Story

Hey Friends.

As you might recall, I work in a public library.  I've worked there quite a while now, and in that time I have seen my fair share of the weird, scary, disgusting, and just plain disturbing things that patrons can -- and will-- do.  It takes a lot to surprise me at this point.  (Need a refresher on how things go in Library Land?  You can click on the library tag to see the relevant posts, or just click here for an entry that sums it up quite nicely.)

I know people automatically assume, "But what could possibly happen in a library?  They are such nice, quiet places." They also assume that everyone who works there is a little old lady in their 80s, hair in a bun, cardigan and pearls on point. That all we do is sit around reading books all day, drinking tea and discussing Downton Abbey, and simply live for  harassing the patrons and telling them to "Shh!". Nothing could be further from the truth.  Well, at least in the libraries where I work.  Don't believe the stereotype!

Back to my point...

I was working today, and I was happy to see one of our regular patrons come in.  She's a very nice lady.  She likes to chat with the staff and exchange recommendations on movies, books, artists -- all things pop culture.  She's been around long enough to have seen some of our more....how can I say this nicely?....interesting and unique patrons at their worst.  She has been unfortunate enough to have had personal interaction with some of our more reality-challenged patrons.  She is familiar with the library and her fellow patrons.

So when she came up to me at the circulation desk this afternoon I was expecting a nice chat to break up the day.

I was not expecting her to open with, "Did you know there is a man outside eating the pine tree on the front lawn?"

What?!

If it had been a patron I didn't know too well, I might have assumed they were exaggerating, or they were pulling a prank, or were among the more "reality-challenged" members of society. This lady would not be mentioning it unless things had really taken a turn towards Weirdsville.

Yeah. I made her repeat it because I was really thought I must have misheard her the first time.

"There's a man outside, and he's eating your pine tree.  I watched him pick off the needles and the sap and then eat it."

What. The. Fuck.

So she gives me the whole story:

She was walking toward the entrance of the building, and she sees this man on the lawn looking at the pine tree.  At first she thought he must be examining the berries or something, or was trying to figure out what type of tree it was.  She was actually going to go over and talk to him, tell him he should go to Vanderbilt Mansion if he is interested in trees because they have them all labeled and the park officers would probably have helpful information.  Then she realized that there were no berries on that tree.  She kept looking, and she saw that he was actually picking off the needles and sap and eating it.  She decided not to talk to him, and came straight inside to tell me.

Fantastic.  And here I thought today might be boring.

I told her that it was good that she came inside -- sometimes the best course of action is simply not to engage.

And then I wondered, is that stuff poisonous?

Am I going to find a man down out in the parking lot?

They use pine pitch to glue stuff together, patch holes in boats, make torches and fire starters.  I've never heard of someone ingesting it.  I could see the tree in question from where I was standing, and the man had already wandered off at that point.

Why the hell would anyone think it was a good idea to snack on a pine tree?  Even if you know nothing about trees, you damn well can tell the difference between a "Christmas"-type tree and a maple tree.  I'm not expecting everyone to be a botanist, but at some point you have to have seen the Canadian flag and should know what a frigging maple leaf looks like.

Hi, Canada!

You cannot magically suck maple syrup out of a pine tree, people.  I really didn't think that would ever be something that needed to be explained.

We continued to discuss just what the heck this guy could have been trying to do for a few minutes, and then it got busy and I had to help other patrons.  She did make sure to tell me exactly what time it was that she came in, and asked if we had security cameras on the front of the building.  I wasn't sure if we did, but told her I would find out.  I think she was really hoping that maybe the guy hadn't really been eating the tree, and that it just looked like it from her viewpoint.

As I was leaving for lunch our security officer was coming in for his shift.  He confirmed that we do have cameras on the front of the building, and then I told him we were going to have to review the footage because a patron reported that there was a guy eating the pine tree on the front lawn.  I'm pretty sure he thought I was kidding.

(I did do a quick drive through the parking lot before leaving for lunch, just to make sure there wasn't a guy face-down in the parking lot from eating the tree. Thankfully there was not, and the paramedics did not need to be called.)

I get back from lunch, and Security cues up the camera footage.

Right on the time the patron reported, you see a guy in a blue jacket wander out of the library and across the lawn toward the pine tree.

Here comes our patron, headed toward the building.  You can see her pause -- that must have been when she was considering going over and talking to the guy.

Next you clearly see him plucking things off the tree, looking around to see if anyone is watching, and stuffing them in his mouth.  The lady who reported the weirdness keeps heading toward the building.  Guy does it again, and then wanders off across the lawn toward the parking lot.

I'm pretty sure both of us looking at the footage were amazed.  I mean, I knew the lady who reported the story wouldn't make something like that up, but seeing it was just bizarre.  The guy looked around to see if anyone was watching!  He knew it was not normal to be eating the pine tree on the library's lawn.  

What do you do with this information?  I didn't even bother to do a report.  How the hell do you explain that a guy just ate the pine tree on the front lawn?

I did make sure to tell one person, however.  One of our Administrators officially retired yesterday.  She happened to come in this afternoon to make sure her office was nice and clean for the person who will be moving into it.  I told her the whole story.  I prefaced it with, "So, I know you've been retired for less than 24 hours, but let me tell you what you've already missed."

I'm pretty sure I made her a lot happier about having retired.  She can just laugh about it, and then go home.  

Friends, the next time someone tells you the library is boring?  Do me a favor and tell them how wrong they are.  Thanks.

Are You Talking to Me?

So I was in the store earlier today, waiting to check-out and minding my own business.

From across the store this guy starts yelling, "Hey!  Hey you!"

Everyone turns to look, and I immediately dismiss it because I don't recognize this guy or his friend who was trying to get him to shut up. 

Dude keeps yelling. "Hey Blonde Girl!    Hey!" 

His friend must have been trying to reason with him, as the next outburst that  could be heard across the store was, "But I do know her!  She works at the library!"

Okay, so now I'm a bit intrigued. I turned around to scope out the people in line behind me, fully expecting to see a coworker there. Nope. 

Dude is still going. I finally realize that he might be talking to me.  I think I even pointed to myself to confirm that Mr. Yells-a-lot was really addressing me. 

He was. 

"See?  I told you I know her!  She works at the library!"

I think I waved back. I don't really remember.  I didn't recognize the guy at all, but I really wanted him to shut up and hopefully not follow me out of the store. 

I finally made it to the cashier, and he was equally as confused as I was.  I felt the need to explain that I didn't really know Mr. Yells-a-lot, and wished the cashier good luck. 

And then I left, while Mr. Yells-a-lot was nowhere in sight.  No way am I dealing with that when I am not at work. 

I've been called a lot of things by patrons, not all of which have been polite or friendly.  Blonde Girl, however, is a new one -- one that I don't think anyone else will be using.  

Friends, I realize that might be confusing for some of you who don't actually know me. "Blonde Girl" would be a pretty generic reference to say no one else would ever use.  While I don't normally participate in the whole selfie scene, I think I have to include one here so you fully grasp today's weirdness. 

Hi there!  As you can now see, blonde is not usually a word used to describe me. 

I'm going to take this as evidence that strange things happen on Friday the 13th. 

The Case of The Mystery Hats

Thursday began just like any other day in Library Land: patrons were in and out, staff was taking care of business.  Not too long into the morning one of our more regular patrons came in, and he asked if we were selling hats now.

Now, this gentleman I would place on the "normal to a bit of an odd duck" scale of patron behavior -- he's normally pretty laid back, he's got his eccentricities, but he is far, far away from our strangest patrons in terms of attitude and behavior.  

We had no idea what he was talking about, and we explained that we did not sell hats.  Why would we sell hats?  I cannot imagine a great number of people wanting to rock library merchandise on their heads.  Maybe if we were the Library of Congress, or the National Archives and someone had visited on vacation.  We sell reusable canvas book bags for $1.

Apparently someone had left 3 baseball hats on top of the garbage can outside the entrance to the library at some point after we had opened for the day.  No one on staff had realized this, but it explained why he was asking about hats.  I went outside to check the book return, and there they were: three baseball hats sitting in a neat line on top of the garbage can.  I left them right there.  I am not handling hats of unknown provenance.  Also, there was every possibility that someone in the building had left them there and was going to take them back after leaving the library.  People do weird shit at public libraries.  Seriously. 

He kept going on and on about the hats.  Did you get a free hat when you paid your fines?  Ha ha ha.  How big a fine did it have to be to get a free hat?  Ha ha ha.  He seemed to think repeating endless jokes about the hats was somehow going to make us find it hysterical.  

A couple of hours later I went to check the outdoor book return again, and discovered that there were only two hats left on the garbage can now.  

Holy crap!  Had the patron actually taken one of the mystery hats?  Why the hell would you want a mystery hat?  What if they belonged to another patron?  

By the end of the day the two mystery hats still sat there on the garbage can.  I took a picture, wondering how long it was going to take before they all magically disappeared.  I know how some of our patrons can act.  They slowly stole a bike, piece by piece.  When an office upstairs was doing renovations and had a garbage dumpster in the parking people shopped in that thing like it was a great new store.  There was no way those hats were going to be there for very long.

Hats from the garbage can!  While supplies last!

I work the late shift on Fridays, and I was worried I might miss all the fun of the mystery hats.  What if someone just threw them away?  (Slim to no chance, but it could happen.)  What if they were gone by the time I came in and I never knew how fast they disappeared?  It does not take much to amuse me, folks.

When I arrived at work I saw that the hats were still there, but someone had very neatly moved them from the top of the garbage can and they were now sitting on top of the book return.  Wait -- did someone actually empty the garbage can and keep the hats?  Nope.  Pretty sure that was our patron who scrounges for recyclable cans every morning.

I went on my dinner break a few hours later, and another hat had gone missing.  One lonely hat remained and, as if to add to his sad state, he had once again been moved back to sit atop the garbage can.

And then there was one...

Apparently we do not have a lot of golf afficionados as patrons, or else they are not cool with wearing other people's discarded mementos.  This hat was from a championship at a local golf course.  Poor, lonely hat!  How long will you have to sit there?

Not long, as it turned out.  By the time I came back from break the last hat was gone.  It only took about a day for three mystery hats of unknown origin to find new homes.  Unbelievable!

We have a lot of awesome patrons: they are kind, they like to share with others, and they donate a lot of things.  We get tons of donations for the library and its book sale.  We constantly have patrons trying to give us their old magazines.  We have had patrons bring us art work to see if we could sell it at the book sale.  Our knitting groups make hats, afghans, and lap blankets for the local veterans' hospital, homeless shelters, and other organizations, and patrons bring in items they have made at home to donate to the cause.  Our patrons rock!  

That being said....

REASONS NEVER TO TAKE ITEMS LEFT ON TOP OF A GARBAGE CAN AT THE LIBRARY

1. Common sense, people: you DO NOT know where these items came from.  They could have lice or bedbugs for starters.  Why would you want to risk it?  

2. They might belong to someone inside the library.  Most of our patrons are great, but we also have a fairly large number of patrons with various issues that might lead them to believe it is perfectly logical to leave their multiple hats on a garbage can outside.  Trust me when I say you do not want to piss these patrons off.

3. They may have actually been in the garbage can, along with god only knows what else, and someone removed them.  It happens more than you would think.  

4. They could be stolen property.  Seriously.  People have brought stolen bikes to the library, a purse they stole from someone at the mall, stolen phones, etc.  Do you really want to end up involved in a situation like that?

I think that should suffice on reasons why it is a bad idea to take mystery items left on a garbage can.

*To the kind folks who think they are being "helpful" by leaving such articles for others:  please don't do it here.  You know the library is not the proper place for that.  Take them to the Good Will or the Salvation Army.  Donate them to a homeless shelter of half-way house.  Leave them in front of your own home with a "free" sign -- you will be amazed at how quickly things disappear!*