Hey, Friends.
Ever had one of those nights where you just cannot get to sleep? That was me last night. Oh, I tried distracting myself -- reading, watching television. Nothing was working. I tried listening to some music. That helped somewhat, but instead of drifting away into peaceful slumber I wound up in that place of sleepy introspection. You know that place -- when your brain starts to ponder and dwell on things, and you cannot figure out how you got on this train of thought but now you're kind of stuck in this inescapable loop of navel gazing and self analysis. It's not a bad thing, but it kind of makes you want to punch your brain and ask why you have to do this now when you just want to get some damn sleep.
Last night my brain decided that it would be super fun to lay there, half asleep, and dredge up a memory from ages ago that I hadn't thought about in years and use it as a platform to to go over all the ways I am a socially awkward human being. Oh yeah.
I fully admit to being awkward in social situations. I know this. I'm much more of an introvert than people may believe.
For some reason it never bothers me at work. I can talk to the patrons with no problem whatsoever. Part of that is that I have been there long enough that I know what I'm doing and it has to be something truly weird to stump me. I know part of it is also that I have on my "work mode" hat, and I know that dealing with the public is a large part of my job. It's not that I don't like people. I love people. It can just be very draining at times, and sometimes I just want to go home and not see another person for a while. I need to recharge a bit.
It's definitely when it comes to being social that I tend to get fucking awkward.
As odd as it may seem, I kind of prefer being in a large group and not knowing anyone. Seems like it should be the opposite, right? I'm fine with the introductions, chit chat and small talk. In a large group odds are there will be someone there who is much more outgoing and charismatic, who will draw people in and keep the conversations going. I'm perfectly happy to hang back and let them do the talking, join in if I have something relevant to say after getting more of a feel for the group. I'm not saying it always works well. Sometimes the person dominating the conversation turns out to be a total self-absorbed tool. That's my time to wander off and find another conversation, or see if a side conversation sparks off with other people who are getting the same vibes.
I'm much worse in small groups. There's not as much chance to hang back. There is more pressure to feel like I have to say something to ward off one of those uncomfortable silences when everyone just stands there looking at each other. I know it's not my duty to carry the conversation or anything, but I end up feeling like I have to say something. I guess that makes me a nervous talker as well. I don't want people to be uncomfortable or have a shitty time, so I will just babble to fill the void, hoping someone else joins in.
I'm both better and worse one on one. I like to think that my social awkwardness just makes me complex, but I'm sure I also come off as a hot mess. All evidence in this post to the contrary, I suck at talking about myself. Give me any other topic to talk about and I'll be much better. Ask me direct questions and I'm more than happy to answer, but my brain will literally draw a blank if you start with some random, "So, tell me about yourself," nonsense. I will not be able to come up with a single interesting thing to say beyond my name and where I work. How I wish I was kidding. Happens all of the damn time. It's like I suffer mass amnesia on all other facts about myself -- hobbies, goals, dreams. Nope. All gone.
But wait, Friends, it gets even better!
If I actually get the chance to meet someone I admire? Guaranteed that I'm going to be a mess. I like to think part of it is just me being starstruck. I don't know about you, but I don't often get to meet people whose work I have admired for years, most particularly in a one-on-one scenario. I try to talk myself into a place of calm, give myself pep talks: remind myself that he or she is just a person, just tell them I love their work or why it has struck such a chord. I can do this. I could write essays about this shit, so just gather up some of those words and use them. Never works.
That exact situation is what my brain had decided to ruminate on last night. I'm going to keep it vague, but several years ago I had a chance to meet an author whose books I loved. Did I tell him that I loved his latest book? No. Did I find the words to describe how much I liked a certain passage he had written. Nope. What did I say? I told him that he smelled really good. He laughed and said it was one of the nicer things someone had said to him. I was mortified. Why in the name of all that is holy had that decided to pop out of my mouth?! I mean, it was totally true, but damn. I really wished that I had just stayed in my silent mode rather than blurt out the first ridiculous thing that popped into my head.
Why am I sharing all of this with you, Friends? Well, consider it fair warning if we ever meet -- especially if you are someone I admire. I'm almost certain to make that go horribly wrong in some manner. I promise I'm much better with basically anyone else...you know, as long as you don't ask me to tell you all about myself.
I'm also hoping that by writing this all out my brain has finished sorting through all of this nonsense and I will be able to just drift off to sleep tonight with picking up where I left off last night. This could also backfire completely and be utmost in my mind because I just wrote about it. I'll find out one way or the other pretty soon. I know I get shy and weird. I don't like being the center of attention. I have accepted the fact that I'm very awkward at times. I just want to be able to get some sleep and not dwell on it tonight.
Kudos to you if you made it to the end of this rambling. Give yourself a cookie or something as a reward.
And no, we're even going to go into dating. I'm actually pretty good on a date. Before that? Not so much. The guy cannot be subtle about it if he is interested. I will not even remotely pick up on it. I just assume he is being nice and friendly. The fact that he might be flirting doesn't even register. So yeah -- still awkward.
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