Monday, June 5, 2017

In Which I Am a "Devil Child"

Hey, Friends.

It's been a truly weird day here in my little piece of the world. I can't wait to tell you all about it!

What -- reading about my weird day doesn't sound like a good way to spend your time?  I don't think you'll be sorry.  This was pretty damn strange, and I have weird shit happen all of the time.  If I'm wrong and you end up thinking this was a massive waste of your time?  Feel free to use that little comment box and tell me: you think I suck monkey balls, how you've lost the precious minutes of your life you wasted on my blathering, or all of the other awesome things you could have been doing instead.  You get my point.

Weird Thing the First

I was at work this morning, and a gentleman looked at my right hand, made a face, and kind of snorted at me.  I asked if I could help him, and he kept pointedly staring at my hand before he said, "What's that thing supposed to be?"

I was caught a bit off guard.  Where was this going?  It's my hand.  How weird is this about to get if you don't recognize that you are staring at my hand?  It was only about 10:30 in the morning and I had not had enough coffee yet to be ready to deal with new levels of strangeness from the patrons.

Finally it dawned on me that he must be looking at my ring, so I asked him if that was what he was talking about.  He didn't answer at first...just kept staring at my hand.  Friends, you have no idea how hard I was wishing for him to say yes.  I wasn't sure what other directions the conversation could take, but I was pretty sure I didn't want to find out.

Eventually he said, "Yes, I suppose.  What is that?"

It's a ring, dude.

Uh...It's still a ring.  A piece of jewelry?  **I don't know where you're going with this, Buddy. Help me out, here.**

And then he looked at me like I was a complete moron, and said, "Yes, yes.  But what is it?  What is it supposed to be?  What does it symbolize?"

I think he was a bit bummed when I explained that it symbolized nothing.  It's a fork.  He looked at me like I was feeding him a bunch of bullshit until I took it off and handed it to him and explained that it was literally a fork that someone had bent and curled into a ring.  Found it on a table at Stormville Flea Market a few years ago, thought it was cool, and paid the princely sum of $5 for it.

He looked at it for a bit before giving it back, and then his entire demeanor changed. We were suddenly best friends, he was all smiles, and he called me Dear on his way out.

What the hell?  Help me out here, Friends.  What could he have possibly thought it was supposed to be?  I knew within about 10 seconds of looking at it on a jumble table that it was a fork made into a ring.  I can't come up with a single disgusting/horrifying/dastardly thing he could have gotten out of it. Someone told me once they thought it was an octopus or squid, but even that shouldn't have evoked quite such a reaction.

I chalked the whole thing up to Monday being a Monday.  Got the weirdness over with early in the day so it all should be smooth sailing from here on out.  Hindsight being 20/20, I should maybe have taken this little encounter as a sign of things to come.

Weird Thing the Second

I have bad luck with parking lots.  I must give off an aura of some kind that just screams, "Come talk to me!  Bring me your issues!"  To be very brief (because I have a lot of stories about parking lot interactions), I should really have learned by now never to acknowledge or answer the person yelling from across the parking lot.

I had to run some errands after work this evening.  My last stop had been the dollar store in the local shopping plaza. I was in and out in no time.  I just wanted to get home and be done with the day.

I left the store and as I was approaching my car this woman about 5 cars away started yelling to me, "Hey!  Hey lady is that your car?"

So I said yes.  I really thought that she was about to tell me that some asshole had hit it and taken off while I was in the store.

Oh no.  That would almost have been preferable to what actually went down.

I unlocked the car, put my things inside, and started checking for the damage I was sure she was going to tell me about.  She wandered her way on over between vehicles, and then she said, "That is an evil car."


I was lost.  It's a car.  How can a car be evil?  Is this like a new slang thing that I don't know about? She looked older than me so I didn't think it was, but I wasn't ruling anything out just yet.

By now she had approached close enough to be standing by the passenger side of my car, and I could tell that something was not quite right with her.  I'm not saying that she was strung out on something, but she did not seem like she was in the same reality as the rest of the world.  

She went off.  I was informed that my car is a "devil car" because it is all red and black -- "Those are the colors of Satan!"  That Satan was working to try and spread his evil through my car.  That the evil was infesting me and anyone who so much as looked at my car, and I was jeopardizing the souls of everyone around me.  

I locked the doors at that point.  I kind of hoped that she was strung out on something because she was out of her mind, and that would at least mean it was only temporary. 

She kept rambling on about how the devil was using me.  Apparently my black pants were also a sign of the ever-growing evil that was attacking me.  I listened to her for quite a while.  I didn't know what the hell was wrong with her, but I really didn't want to piss her off any more than she already was.  I'd already done a spectacular job at it without having done a single thing.

She finally came to a sort of rambling stop, but I don't think she had really planned on stopping.  It seemed more like she either lost her train of thought entirely or she had burned through all of the furious energy that her indignation had been giving her. She stepped back a bit and just kind of zoned out. 

I took this to mean that our time together was now done, unlocked my door and opened it to get in. The movement seemed to snap her out of it.  She straightened up a bit, and then asked me if I had any money I could give her. 

Are you kidding me? Like she hadn't just been ranting at me for a good 5-10 minutes about having an "evil" car and being an instrument of Satan. I looked right at her and told her, "No. Satan hasn't paid me yet this month." 

And she hissed at me. She fucking hissed at me and told me I was a "devil child". And then I got in the car and left her in the parking lot.

So....I probably didn't help my case with that parting shot. I feel a little bad for the next unsuspecting person with a red car that she decides to unload on.  I probably just gave her more fuel for the fire.

And for reference:

This is my car.  Why yes, it is a Kia Soul. Makes it all that much more special.

As you can see, Friends, I've had a rather interesting day.  I hope your Monday was much less weird than mine has been.  Oh, and sorry if I just inadvertently infested you with "evil" by making you look at a picture of my car.  My bad.  Maybe I really am a devil child after all.

**If you have a weird day story of your own, you totally need to leave that in the comments!  It would be nice to know I'm not the only one that has this kind of thing happen.**

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