Sunday, August 30, 2015

Thug Squirrels

Friends, you probably don't remember, but I have squirrels that moved into my garage over the winter.  I wasn't really convinced they were there at first, just heard the scrabbling sounds without ever seeing them.

Then my father spotted one, and his war against the squirrels began.  I didn't see what the problem was -- it was so cold last winter and I didn't want the little guys to freeze to death. I understood more when I was shown where they were chewing on my garage roof.

As far back as January he began his opening salvo in the war against the squirrels. Preliminary move?  Moving the bird feeder.  Sadly, that did not deter them.

Earlier this Spring, he went around and closed all points of entry the squirrels had made for themselves.  That did nothing, as they simply popped the places back open again.

I should also mention that I seem to have thug squirrels in my neighborhood.  They are not the cute little guys you see serenely hopping across a park, carrying a little acorn.  No.

You know those wire-cage suet feeder things?  I went through 3 of those before I got smart and relocated it.

1) They are smart enough to pop it open.
2) I watched them snap the chain and drag one onto the garage roof!
3) The third time I thought I was smart, and took someone advice and closed it tight using twist ties on the latches.  I found that thing bent to hell, thrown into the middle of the yard, twist ties still in place and suet gone.

These squirrels are hardcore.  I'm pretty sure they would have no qualms in trying to take a person out.

My father seems undeterred by the menacing abilities demonstrated by my garage squirrels.  This evening he took his game to the next level.

Bonus!  I'll also be protected if a very lost armadillo should wander into my yard.

Supposedly this stuff won't actually harm the little guys, just smell really bad so they won't want to hang out here any more.

Let's take a closer look at those ingredients.


--Dried blood?  Dried blood of what?  Where did this blood come from?  Am I now going to attract vampires instead of squirrels -- cause that seems like a bad trade.

--Putrescent whole egg solids.  Rotten eggs.  Lovely

--Garlic oil.  Well, guess that will balance out the blood as far as vampires are concerned.

My Dad, bringing the war to the squirrels.  Hitting 'em where it hurts!

I can attest to the bad smell.  Even though it was only applied inside the garage, where the squirrels have been making their nests, I'm pretty sure my entire yard is now protected.  That stuff stinks to high heaven!  I honestly don't know how my Dad was able to stay in there long enough to spray it all. I was outside, and I'm pretty sure I watched 2 bumblebees flee the yard when the smell wafted in our general direction.

Fancy garage decor from a previous owner.  No wonder the squirrels like it here so much!

As mentioned, I was outside for the majority of the application process.  In return for the protection from the thug squirrels and lost armadillos, I offered freshly picked raspberries from my garden.  I think it's a fair trade.  We operate on the barter system.

Tasty and delicious!

After the trade deal was complete, my Dad decided that we should leave the doors closed and locked, but leave the squirrel access points open so they can get in there and see how nasty it is and realize they don't want to live there any more.  

While contemplating that decision, I noticed something hanging out of one of the access points.  It looked like....rope?  So I asked my Dad if he had shoved it in there to try and deter the squirrels at some point.  Nope.  It was a purloined treasure the squirrels had dragged back to use in their nest.

It's a basketball net.  A perfectly round, somewhat worn, basketball net.

This just proves my point that my squirrels are some bad-ass motherf$%kers!  None of my neighbors have basketball hoops in their yards.  These squirrels had to literally drag this thing for at least half a mile from a school -- the closest possible point from which they could have swiped a basketball net.  It weighs more than a squirrel!  Maybe it was a group effort.  Maybe my squirrels have organized into a squirrel mafia, or a gang. 

Honestly, I don't know if this stuff will work or not.  I don't want my garage to be destroyed, obviously, but I'm picturing various outcomes from this action.

Scenario 1: It works.  The squirrels leave, and my garage is safe.  It only lasts for 2 months, so hopefully it makes a big enough impression in their little squirrel brains that they never want to check back and see if the smell is gone.  Also, armadillos won't want to chill here if they are lost.

Scenario 2:  It doesn't work.  The thug squirrels are too tough for any of this nonsense.  They stay right where they are, forcing my father to even more drastic measures.  What that might be I don't know, but I'm sure a next step will come.

Scenario 3: Whether it works or not, the thug squirrels are pissed and want revenge.  Maybe they destroy my bird feeder.  Maybe they bring in their larger cohorts and destroy my garden.  Perhaps they will throw bricks through my windows.  I put nothing past the thug squirrels at this point.  *I realize that this will probably never happen outside of my imagination.*

The salvo has been fired.  Now it becomes a waiting game.

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