Saturday, May 25, 2013

Rich People Problems (a Vassar Story)

*Based on a tiny sampling -- one family, really -- who happened to be sitting near me in the diner.

So I'm in the diner, eating a late lunch with my mother.  It was pretty busy, but nothing out of the norm.  This family comes in, and they get seated at the table right next to our booth.  First it is just 2 ladies, and someone who is one of their daughters. They are looking at the menu, getting settled in, and there was some big hubbub about looking at cakes.  Whatever.  Wasn't really paying attention to them at this point.

Now the Dad comes in.  He apparently has been on the phone with the daughter who is graduating from Vassar this weekend.  She is all upset.  Something about having forgotten Monday was a holiday, and she didn't plan things out right, and now she doesn't know what to do but she is afraid they will be mad at her because her mom is such a phenomenal planner, etc. etc.  Kerfuffle with the waiter about ordering the lunch specials, but can they get the sandwiches and just split the fries between them to be more healthy, blah, blah, blah.  (Waiter dude, I hope they leave you an enormous tip, because this table already seems like it is going to be high maintenance.)

So the family at the table discusses the poor planning problem for a bit, and they decide that the universe will work things out.  There is still room on their flight back to L.A. on Monday.  She can come with them, and she will have to pay for half of her ticket.

Now the daughter who is at the table gets up and says she will go do something.  I couldn't really hear her.  About a minute later she comes back with the chick who is graduating and freaking out over the phone to her father before.  WTF?!  She was outside this entire time?

But wait!  There's more!

So apparently she woke up this morning freaking out because she is graduating, and she will probably never see some of her friends again, and they had all packed up their bags and were loading their cars because they are driving home and live on the East coast, and she didn't know what to do.  Then, she had assumed they were all going to "like spend a week together at the Jersey Shore or at The Cape or somewhere", but all of her friends had decided to just go home after graduation, so her plans "totally fell through."  Then, she forgot that Monday was a holiday, so her assistant won't be there to help her get her belongings out.  (I have no idea what she means about having an assistant.  She's a freaking undergrad student.  Does Vassar give undergrads an assistant?  I assume she means RA in the dorms.)  Also, her friend from Idaho, "had totally packed most of her stuff up in her car and shipped it back home already.  Now she just has a little to take on the plane.  I didn't think to do that."  


You have a car.  Why in the hell would your friend pack her car full of stuff and pay to have it shipped back to Idaho?  How the hell much stuff can she possibly have accumulated?  One of the beauty parts of having a car is that you can pack it full of shit and drive it to where you want to go.  This must be a rich person thing. I cannot even fathom why the hell you would ship a car home from college instead of driving it.

**At this point an Uncle arrives for lunch, complete with luggage.  He has just taken the train up from New York City.  "Business Class, of course.  Anything else is like being in one of those dirty trains in Calcutta where they pack you in like cattle."  Oh, and apparently the Book of Mormon is "pretty good", but he had some criticisms about the staging of that as well.  But the train ride up here is so beautiful, one of the best in the country.**

Moving on.  Our girl apparently has an apartment lined up in New York City, through a friend's family, but she can't move in until the beginning of June.  Ah ha!  Now I see where the poor planning is coming in!

The solution this family comes up with?  She will pack up her stuff, ship it home to L.A.  She will fly home with them on Monday and stay for a week.  They will worry about packing her stuff up and shipping back to New York after they get home.

For a week, people?  Seriously?  You must have more money than brains, the lot of you.  Do you have any idea how much it is going to cost to ship all of her crap to L.A., only to turn around and send it back a week later?  Why not pay to store it here somewhere?  Vassar will probably store it -- I know they let students rent rooms during the summer.  This makes absolutely no sense.

So the plan is apparently that she will be moving into an apartment on Park Avenue near 70th.  Her uncle asks if it is the size of the table. Hahaha.  Her mother is horrified and asks if it has at least 2 bedrooms.  Are you kidding me?  That's a pretty sweet deal to go directly from college to having your first apartment on Park Avenue.  Our girl informs her mother that it has a door man, "you know, like all buildings do."  Say what?

So now she is all about how great it is going to be, and she'll be the only one there for the summer before her friends move in later, and it will be great.  This is the chick who earlier in the meal, forget the rest of the day even, admitted to freaking out because her friends were leaving, and she was worried about flying home by herself or sitting next to a stranger on the plane.  I'm sure you'll be fucking fantastic living on your own in NYC.  Bonne chance!

Now here is the best part.  She is graduating with a major in art history.  Guess what job she has lined up to work at this summer?  You're never going to guess!  Bar back.  I almost guarantee she has no idea what the job entails.  I hope it is a really busy bar, or she better be getting one hell of a "friend of the family" discount on the rent for a place on Park Ave, especially when you are the only one living there to pay the bills all summer!

Next was a story from the uncle.  Apparently someone they all know, not sure if it is another relative or what, just bought a 2014 Porshe Cayman S.  Yes, it was because of the fender-bender in the M3, so had to get rid of that.  Kept the Range Rover though, so this is just the weekend car.

Conversation moved on to discussing graduation tomorrow.  Apparently they will be going to dinner later in Rhinebeck, "You know, the area where Chelsea Clinton got married."  Yeah.  They will be eating at The Beekman Arms because she wants "a really good steak."  Not to slam the Beekman Arms, but wouldn't be my first choice.  Did you check Yelp even?  I just Googled it, and they came up 7th of the restaurants in Rhinebeck.  This was followed up by a story about this epic party she was at last night, and there were so many people there that the floor broke. Also also?  "Bill Clinton is supposed to be coming to the area to speak somewhere next week.  It's too bad we have to fly home on Monday.  Maybe we could have gone and listened to him."

Then we had to hear stories about how you can ask any of her housemates, she is always the one that cleans the floor.  She doesn't like to do her dishes, but she always cleans the floor.  They have a mop and everything.  Hold up, right there.  I cannot even picture you mopping a floor.  Also, if you live in a house, presumably off campus then, who the hell is this assistant that was being discussed earlier on?  

And right before we finally left, the hubbub about the cakes was cleared up.  Apparently they needed to know what the cakes looked like because they were ordering two cakes for her graduation!  From the Dutchess Diner!  No disrespect to the diner by any means, but what the hell people?!  Not for nothing, but you all seem kind of snooty,  and it seems like your solution to most things is to throw money around.  Why in the world are you ordering cakes from the diner instead of The Pastry Garden, or the CIA, or Cafe Aurora, La Deliziosa, etc?  And please tell me you are not going to bring cakes from The Dutchess Diner to the Beekman Arms and ask them to serve them.  Wow.

That's not even all of it, just the highlights that I remember.  Thankfully we left, as I had about hit the end of my rope.  

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